Disclaimer: This is the Monday Evening Death Match Preview Show! This is not a popularity contest. All contestants and participants are taken from the War Room over
a disagreement, flame war, or just a plain old pig butt nasty insult throwing. Even though the author may have an opinion
about the flame war, he will not let it be known through these stories. The winners are decided in a fair effective
manner. Some of the things said may
upset some readers. So if you have a
weak heart, stomach, or head, have a seizure condition, or any other type of
medical condition that may be set off by low brow humor, I suggest you stop
reading now. I will not be held
responsible if you are shocked, sickened, or upset over what you read, after
all I warned you. And as a reminder,
please ensure you do not try any of the moves in the story at home, as they are
done by highly trained letters with years of experience. Anyway it is just a story! Enjoy!
Weird Ass Sports in Co-operation with Tridus Inc. would like to present you with the following presentation…
The following is a PG-14 rated show, and would like to remind viewers it contains adult language and situations. Parental Guidance is suggested…
And with that the screens suddenly explode in a ball of fire with flames shooting out all over. As the fire and smoke subside words remain…
Monday Night War Room Death
Match
Preview
Show!!!
Those words then suddenly disappear, and a camera outside a studio hall is present heading towards the door. The door opens as the camera almost runs into it and into a back, poorly lighted hallway. The camera makes it’s way around the halls into a back area where technician men are carrying equipment and going about their business oblivious to the camera. As the camera moves around a man smiles at the camera and points towards a direction where the camera heads too. The camera then spies onto a curtain and heads straight for it and through it, revealing about 100 fans screaming and waving at the camera. The camera pans on them for a couple of seconds as the shout slogans. The camera passes them and turns to reveal that same man that pointed coming from behind the curtain. The fans go insane with chants of…
“ Dude, dude, dude, dude!”
The fans go ecstatic as the man grabs the mic and smiles towards them, pointing at some girl who’s shirt is pointing at him. The man brings the mic up to his lips…
Announcer
Dude- Welcome Ladies and Gentleman!
It’s Monday, and do you know where your Sanity is?!?
The fans
scream in unison…
“NO!”
Announcer Dude- That’s right Fight Fans, cause when you are here, all insanity has left the building. When you are at the…
And the crowd
finishes his line…
“Monday Evening Death Match Preview
Show!”
Announcer Dude- Yes! (As he raises his arms, while the fans go insane) And without further ado, let’s welcome the hero, your hero, my hero, and everyone’s hero! Y2T!
The fans go
insane with cheers as Y2T emerges from behind the curtain. But not like usual, Y2T isn’t as flamboyant
as usual, just holds his stomach, carrying the 100 list Tridus silly stick and
immediately takes his seat. But the fans
are not less than enthusiastic as the ring out with chants of…
“Y2T, Y2T, Y2T, Y2T!” and “Si-ll-y
Stick! Si-ll-y Stick! Si-ll-y Stick, Yeah!”
Y2T holds up his hand at the fans, briefly looks around, then with a sudden gesture gets up and runs to the back again, leaving his stick there as well. Announcer Dude watches as Y2T trudges to the back…
A technician sitting nearby motions for Announcer Dude to say something. Announcer Dude shakes his head no, as the Technician repeatedly twirls a finger telling him to continue and that they are live on air…
Announcer Dude (Picking up the mic)- Umm, heh, heh, uhh, hi, or something.
The fans all just look around at one another and don’t say anything, just stare at Announcer Dude…
Announcer Dude- Umm, uhh, oh umm, hey did you guys hear any good jokes lately? * The fans just stare at him blankly * Uhh okay, well, uhh, oh wow, umm heh, heh.
Suddenly someone from the crowd shouts…
“You suck Announcer Dude!”
Suddenly though, the music “Learning to Fly” by the Foo Fighters begins to bang out from the walls, as the fans look at one another and Announcer Dude wipes his forehead, as they all begin to chant…
“M and M! M and M! M and M!”
A voice can be heard coming from the loud speakers…
Voice- Oh yes, that’s right my little fans, your Death Match Hero has returned again! You know, I heard that last week, when the Death Match was cancelled, I heard so many of you were crying your eyes out. No, no, not because you couldn’t see the matches, no. Not even because you didn’t have to lay your eyes on the nWd, which I heard causes all the little children to have nightmares, I mean who really wants to see Peak_Man? No. And it’s not even because you didn’t see Big Sexy shake his hips at the women, which coincidentally fight fans I think he needs a spanking by someone for being lude and crude, no. It’s because all the little children around the world did not get to see their hero, the Death Match Hero, me! It’s true, it’s true, no, and they had to sit through some infomercials about hair loss! Hair loss? When do children need to have to get hair? They need their death and destruction, and well fight fans, he is here!
And with that MysteryMan appears from behind the curtain as the fans go ape shit at his arrival. M and M waves his hand to them…
M and M- Yes, yes, I know, you welcome your Death Match Hero, well my friends, the M and M man is here at last. It seems Y2T has a little case of the runs, and well, I thought I should do something about it…
M and M makes his way around to the desk…
M and M (To Announcer Dude)- Don’t worry Dude, I know it’s tough to actually put your own material together. I know when you are faced with doing more than what you were intended to is difficult. But listen, if you follow my three E’s…
And the fans take over…
“Enthusiasm, Excitement,
Energy!”
M and M (Smiles at the fans)- Yes, (Turns back to Dude and places a hand on his shoulder) When you learn those, yes, someday, maybe someday, you can be just like me, your idol, everyone’s role model, MysteryMan. Cause you know, I am a Mystery.
Announcer Dude just stares at M and M and shakes his head, then puts the mic up to his mouth…
Announcer Dude- I would have been fine, I am the Dude, everyone loves me. Hell I’m more popular then Big Sexy! I would have been okay.
MM (Pats him on the head)- Sure you would have been, keep believing in yourself, and someday you will make it, someday you could be just like me, your Death Match Hero.
Announcer Dude- What are you doing here anyway MysteryMan, this show is hosted by Y2T, it’s not the M and M hour…
But MysteryMan cuts him off as the fans boo at Announcer Dude…
Announcer Dude (to the fans)- Hey! Don’t boo me! I’m a fan favorite, come on, chant with me (Starts chanting) “Dude, Dude, Dude!”
The fans just sit and stare at Announcer Dude blankly as he gets a pouty look on his face and looks down. MysteryMan gently pats him on the back…
MM- Awww, you look a little down Dude, well don’t worry, cause M and M is here to do the Preview Show! (The fans cheer to this) Yes, M and M is here to fill in for the “Iootolah of Rock and Rolla” and believe me folks, we won’t get a word out of Y2T this week, due to some Crab Cakes that Big Sexy gave us a week ago. All I have to say is, well, Y2T is a little pooped out, heh, heh.
MysteryMan makes his way around the desk, picks up the Silly Stick and gently places it in it’s rack Tridus specifically made for it. MysteryMan smiles at the fans as the wait in anticipation for him to speak…
MM- Well what a week we had last week didn’t we fight fans. Shue, talk about excitement personified. Well while the main event was okay, I’m positive everyone was there to see the hijinks that me and Y2T put on while laying out Hank and Flutie of the nWd. I mean, you can’t get any better than seeing the 2 heroes of the Death Matches get even with the nWd. I know, I know, Flutie did give me some good shots with that Silly Stick, and I received tons of letters for endearing fans wanting to be sure of my safety. I mean even one person said that after watching the beating that I took, and overcoming those odds I was facing, that he went out, and conquered his fears of eating shelled fish! It’s true, it’s true, I am the new hero of the Death Matches, and fans, if you follow my 3 E’s, you too can become just like me. They are…
And the fans take over…
“Energy, Enthusiasm,
Excitement”
MM- Yes, and if you all follow these examples, it will be one that you are thankful for as you will become like me, and conquer all your fears! Now unlike these nWd punks who think they can run over everyone and just be generally mean. I mean they do not represent my three E’s. I think they represent a bunch of retards that cannot even spell their own names if they were tattooed to their butts. I mean look at them. SM_007, what better place to start, I mean here’s a guy that likes to stick things into actual grown men’s sphincters! Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against gay people, but I mean really, who wants to see this, I mean (Sticks a finger in his mouth) that is not what my three E’s are about.
The crowd laughs and agrees with MysteryMan…
MM- Now how about that Styx fellow. Oh my god, can this guy go for a few seconds without a swear word flying out of his mouth? I mean, thank god there is no dirty words starting with an “E”, I would not like that. I mean, I don’t swear, cause everyone needs to learn to communicate better. Someone should tell Mr. Styx about my three E’s and maybe he would learn.
MM- And how about that Flutie guy? I mean, takes a big man to attack another from behind. Hmmm, I wonder if he has been listening to SM_007 talk to much? Maybe he is liking to stick things in peoples sphincters too. I mean he really does not represent my three E’s at all. And what about his big lummox, Peak_Man, I doubt he even can spell the A, B, C’s to E. That he may be a large man, but a part of the three E’s he is not.
The fans all start to cheer once again for MysteryMan…
MM- Okay well enough with the nWd, talking about them, makes my stomach turn. I know, let’s talk about this weeks match-ups. I hear Y2T got us a great match lined up, and I personally can’t wait to find out who they are. So let’s take you to 2 guys that defienently embody my three E’s, of course they are Master Sidious and Big Sexy Stefan! Guys you there?
Suddenly the screen prints in half as Master Sidious is there, with Big Sexy trying to peak over Master Sidious’s head…
MS- Hey M and M, how are you? Great fight last week, I think you definently got the support of the Death Match fans behind you.
MM- Thanks Sidious, I feel the fans needed a fresh hero. Not that Y2T is stale or anything, but he definently needs me, and the fans most definently need me.
MS- Can’t argue there. (Turns for a second) What Big Sexy! (Listens) Okay, okay, damn it, you aren’t supposed to be seen yet. (Turns back to MysteryMan) Umm, Big Sexy wants to say something to you M and M.
MM- Okay.
Big Sexy suddenly appears, and smiles at the camera…
BSS- Hey!
MM- Hey!
BSS- I’m sexy!
MM- I’m Energetic!
BSS- I’m horny!
MM- I’m Enthusiastic!
BSS- I’m the Human Love Machine!
MM- I’m Excitement!
There is a brief section of silence as Big Sexy and MysteryMan stare at one another. A uncomfortable silence if you will…
MM- So what did you need Big Sexy?
BSS- Well, you know I’m Sexy right?
MM- Right.
BSS- And that David Hasselhoff is not sexy right.
MM- I’ll take your word for it.
BSS- Can you kill David Hasselhoff for me!?!
Suddenly the camera switches angles again and goes on Master Sidious…
MS (To Big Sexy)- Big Sexy, I can’t believe you! (Turns to MysteryMan) Umm, nevermind Big Sexy MysteryMan, he is, well, still bitter I guess…
The camera gets a shot of big sexy carving up a Barbie doll with a cut out picture of David Hasselhoff’s face upon it.
MM- That’s okay Sidious, everyone has an arch enemy. (To Big Sexy) I’m sorry Big Sexy, but I cannot do this that you ask, as that does not go with my three E’s.
Big Sexy though does not hear as he continues to chop away at the David Hasselhoff pictured Barbie Doll…
MS- Ehh, heh, heh, I guess we should get on with the Preview Show. Umm thanks MysteryMan, I’m sure Big Sexy will snap out of this funk about Hasselhoff.
Suddenly Big Sexy chimes in…
BSS- Yes, yes, die Hasselhoff, die, you shall meet your maker! * Starts laughing *
MS- Well, welcome Death Match fans, I am of course Master Sidious, and this is the Monday Evening Death Match Preview Show. And joining me as always is the man that “Puts the X in Sex”, the “Bang, Bang man” and the man that puts the BOOM in all the ladies rooms….Big….
And the ladies in the show finish…
“SEXY STEFAN!”
And the cameras turn to Big Sexy who is still fidgeting with that Hasselhoff pictured Barbie Doll…
BSS- Yes, Yes, you like when I poke your eyes don’t you Hasselhoff! Take this! * Snip with the scissors * And that! * Snip again * Ha, ha, now you look funny with no hair! * Start laughing maniacally * Huh what? (As Sidious nudges Big Sexy)
MS (Under his breath)- Your on Big Sexy.
BSS (Looks at the girls staring at him)- Oh heh, heh, sorry ladies!
And Big Sexy Stefan jumps up on the desk and starts to shimmer and shake to the music of “Let’s get naked” much to the delight of the ladies who scream his name in earnest…
“Go Big Sexy, Go Big Sexy,
Poke our eyes out!”
BSS- Oh yes ladies, except it won’t be your eyes being poked when Big Sexy gets ya, oh no! Cause when the * Points the his crotch * Love Machine gets you one on one, oh you will be enjoying the poking fun!
The ladies go nuts to this with wild cheers and throw him their panties…
MS (Pulling Big Sexy of the desk)- Okay BS, enough with the Love Machine, we got a show to do.
BSS- Oh come on Sidious, the ladies are back! Yeah baby.
MS- Heh, heh, I’m happy for you Big Sexy, but we need to do the preview show.
BSS- Okay, I guess, but hey ladies. After the show, Big Sexy will show you Pokey and the Bear, heh, heh, yeah baby yeah!
The female fans greet Big Sexy with a resounding set of cheers…
MS- Well we did have a week off from last week there death match fans and we apologize to you all for that. But we did have a serious case of stomach flu from the “Sexy Cakes” Big Sexy brought fo…
BSS- Hey! My “Sexy Cakes” had nothing to do with everyone getting sick! I think it was the “Y2T Meatballs” Tridus brought! I ate the “Sexy Cakes” and nothing happened to me.
MS- Okay, then why didn’t you return my calls last week?
BSS- Hey, I was, well, indisposed if you will.
MS- I’m sure you were Big Sexy.
BSS- Heh, heh, yeah I was, well, busy.
MS- Well whatever, anyway, with Tridus still out with it, MysteryMan has taken over the ship this week apparently and with that he booked us a weird match, to say the least.
BSS- Yeah, the alphabet war? What the hell is that?
MS- Well I think it is about the competitors this week that have an “A” as their first name, a “A” that is being disbuted amongst the competitors this week. Let’s take a look at them shall we Big Sexy?
BSS- Okay, well I guess, but I think MysteryMan is off his rocker on this one.
MS- Heh, heh. You are right about that.
Suddenly MysteryMan appears…
MM- Hey! I heard that!
Then Disappears…
MS- Umm, okay, well tell the fight fans about our first competitor.
BSS- Okay well, this man gives new meaning to the word sphincter. He is the backdoor brawler, he is the anal retentive ass kicker. He is of course Ahole! This man is one heck of a, well, fighter. He is a man that is known for causing more pains in your ass than anyone. This fighter is just plain mean, and nasty, and will do anything possible to win. Although his tenacity is undaunted, he does have problems with actually hitting people, due to the fact that he likes, well, grabbing ass. (Turns to Sidious) I hope he only likes to grab ladies asses cause he’s not getting anywhere near mine.
MS- Agreed Big Sexy, and I mean that.
BSS- Okay well, this fighter employees some moves that I question, some of them are the “Ass Munch” and the “Hemorrhodial Burn” which I guess set-up this mans finisher in “Bottoms Up” a variation of the atomic knee drop no doubt!
MS- Well I guess this man is all about the “Ahole” hey Big Sexy?
BSS- I wouldn’t know Sidious, I don’t go near the “Ahole”.
MS- Heh, heh, okay well let’s look at the tale of the tape for Ahole…
Tale of the Tape-------------------------------------- Ahole
Ø Height------------------------------------------ 5’ 9”
Ø Weight----------------------------------------- 180
Ø Reach------------------------------------------ 32”
Ø Arms------------------------------------------- 15 ¾”
Ø Forearms-------------------------------------- 10”
Ø Fist--------------------------------------------- 10”
Extended Tale of the Tape------------------------- Ahole
Ø Strength-------------------------------------- 6
Ø Speed----------------------------------------- 4
Ø Endurance------------------------------------ 5
Ø Stamina--------------------------------------- 5
Ø Vision------------------------------------------ 5
Ø Ability to Strike Opponents----------------- 34%
Ø Ability to Defend Strikes-------------------- 56%
Ø Ability to Perform Power Moves----------- 65%
Ø Ability to Absorb Power Moves------------ 48%
MS- Well Ahole sounds like he can take more punishment than he can dishout, we will have to wait for this Friday though to see.
BSS- Yep, he is certainly looking more and more like a backdoor brawler.
MS- Okay, well this mans competitor is one that gives meaning to the word “A”. He is the man that means trouble for anyone facing him. He is of course A. Templar. No while this man has some really awe inspiring moves, this fighter does have difficulty with keeping his stamina. I would venture to say he gives too much of himself in the early going of fights to sustain an offense. But with moves like the “Lost Temple Bomb” can certainly spell doom for his foes as it will no doubt set up his standing Pile Drive Finish known and feared by all as being known as “Last Call”.
BSS- Hey, I hate that move!
MS- But we never even seen it yet Big Sexy?!?
BSS- Hey, I don’t care, I hate when I hear “Last Call”, cause that means the bar is closing.
MS- Hmmm, I guess, well let’s look at the tale of the tape for A. Templar
Tale of the Tape---------------------------------A. Templar
Ø Height------------------------------------- 6’ 0”
Ø Weight------------------------------------ 203
Ø Reach------------------------------------- 33”
Ø Arms-------------------------------------- 17”
Ø Forearms--------------------------------- 11”
Ø Fist---------------------------------------- 9 ¾”
Extended Tale of the Tape--------------------A. Templar
Ø Strength---------------------------------- 7
Ø Speed------------------------------------- 4
Ø Endurance------------------------------- 4
Ø Stamina---------------------------------- 3
Ø Vision------------------------------------- 5
Ø Ability to Strike Opponents------------ 45%
Ø Ability to Defend Strikes--------------- 43% (In the opening minutes then drops to 31% as he poops out)
Ø Ability to Perform Power Moves------ 76%
Ø Ability to Absorb Power Moves------- 45%
BSS- Doesn’t sound to sound there Sidious, he better make it a short fight.
MS- Yep, that’s probably what he will try to do. Okay well there you have it fight fans. Ahole vs. A. Templar this Friday Night in the first ever Alphabet war. Okay let’s swing this puppy back to MysteryMan! And see you Friday Fight Fans!
And the cameras switch back to MysteryMan as Tridus is standing near him holding a towel around himself and shivering…
MM (To Y2T)- Tridus, you should be in bed, you don’t look to good.
Y2T (In a sickly voice)- I am, I just need to… * Thump * (As Tridus passes out)
MM (As he pokes Tridus with the silly stick) * Poke * Umm, okay well, uhh, tune in Friday Fight Fans and see these two get it on, Mystery style. So until then, keep cheering for your hero MysteryMan, and if your not, then why are you here?
And the credits roll as the Announcer Dude takes over…
Announcer Dude- Monday Evening Death Match Preview Show was brought to in part by Weird Ass Sports, a subsidiary to Tridus Inc. The Inc. that shouts “Look out I’m about to blow!”
©FNWRDM™ Friday Night War Room Death Match™
is the sole property of Sid6.9 Enterprises and some guy named Marc Angle.. Any
and all rebroadcasts are strictly prohibited without prior written consent from
Sid6.9 Enterprises