Disclaimer: This is the Friday Night Death Matches. It is not a popularity contest. All contestants are taken from the War Room, over a flame war, disagreement, or pig butt nasty insult throwing. While the author may have an opinion about the flame war, he will not let it be known through these stories. These stories are not to be taken seriously, it is fictional. All people should be reminded to not try any of these stunts at home, due to the fact that they are made up. Anyways it is just a story.

 

The lights are on, the stage is set, the ring is ready&& so lets get ready to get it on&. The fans jump to their feet. The music of "Space Lord Mother" from Monster Magnet can be heard through the house speakers. The cameras pan down on to the thousand of War Room fans who are cheering and shouting back and forth at one another. The camera pans up to a raised platform where 2 figures takes their seats.

Master Sidious- Welcome fight fans, it s time again for the Friday Night War Room Death Match * The fans cheer uncontrollable * Okay and with me as always is my tag team partner, the "Socko to my Rocko", the "Master of the Airwaves" and the man that smacked Kathie Lee Gifford with a Mayonnaise Jar, Big Sexy Stefan.

Big Sexy Stefan- That s right fight fans I m Big Sexy Stefan the Human Love Machine. And this is&

Both Together- Friday Night War Room Death Match! * All the fans start cheering *

MS- Well what a match we had last week, with Ninja E and Deathwish DDW defeating Rotten168 and Disgruntled Gamer. But it didn t stop there.

BSS- Nope, Disgruntled Gamer wasn t killed in the ring. Instead he came to our broadcast area, where SL27 was doing special commentary for the match. When he arrived he hit him with a steel chair and stole his seven keys.

MS- Thus we bring you to this weeks death match. It is a gimmick match of sorts, Big Sexy tell the fight fans about it.

BSS- Okay Sidious, this match is going to be called Finders, Keepers. In the match itself we will take the keys Disgruntled Gamer has given back and place them around the arena. The first person to get 4 of the 7 keys and kill their opponent will be the winner.

MS- Very well put BS, so it will be Disgruntled Gamer vs. Sublevel 27, in the first ever Finders, Keepers death match.

BSS- This match is going to be awesome man. Hopefully Disgruntled won t be drunk this time.

MS- Yep, Big Sexy tell the fight fans a little about our fighters for tonight.

BSS- Okay we know a little about Disgruntled from last weeks match up. But he says he is going to change a lot of his moves that he has previously preformed. This man has got some mad hops though, as he is an aerial Juggernaut. If he can keep off the sauce, then Sublevel will have a hard time dealing with him. The one thing that Disgruntled has to do is use his mobility to confuse Sublevel 27. If he can do that, he should have an easy time with his larger foe.

MS- Excellent observations there Big Sexy. His competition is the one very large Sublevel 27. This fighter may not be one for aerial antics, or is one that has great speed. But his power is right on with other powerhouse fighters like Edge (Limited Time Only). He has got some great power advantages in moves like the "Sewer Rat" and "Manhole Cover Smash". But to truly understand this mans power is to look at his finisher the "Sub leveler s Nightmare", this move is the most feared in our sport. To get at Disgruntled he will need to get him trapped. If he allows Disgruntled to gain mobility, then he will have a hard time in ripping his arms off and feeding them to him. One thing that makes this fighter different than any other though is his ability to frustrate his opponents with his mouth. It will make for an interesting contest as Disgruntled Gamer has a very short fuse.

BSS- Heh heh, he cert&.Pshshshshshshshshshsh * The Television cameras cut off, revealing only static on the airwaves, then& *

A cloaked man is on the television screen&

Cloaked Man- (In a dark and mysterious tone) Hee hee hee hee, I told you, you would be doomed. He is coming back&&&&&..soon. Prepare yourselves for retribution, muhahahahahahahaha.

Screen goes back to static&then comes back to life on Master Sidious.

Master Sidious- All right what the hell is going on! Who the heck is this guy! I m getting pretty fed up with this!

Big Sexy Stefan- Damn right, and what does he mean by he is coming back!?!?

MS- I don t know, but if I m right, it s that damn freak Peter, AKA Fake Sid6.9. He thinks he is going to follow through on his promise of destroying us and this show. Well if he shows up I ll beat him down like the red headed stepchild he is! *Slams his fist down on the desk *

MS- By the way fight fans this segment is brought to you by Planters Corn Nuts. Cause sometimes there are people who are completely nuts that say things that are corny.

BSS- Heh heh, much like our promoter Sid6.9.

MS- Okay, it looks like Mother Love is with our first competitor Disgruntled Gamer. Lets go to her now.

Mother Love- Thanks guys, hey Big Sexy momma still has some mad lovin for you. Come on big boy you know you want my sugar.

BSS- Oh good god will she ever stop.

MS- (To BSS) Come on good buddy, just get it over with, how bad could it be.

BSS- What! You have got to be kidding me! I d have to first get in shape to climb Mount Everest, before I could climb on top of her!

MS- * Slapping his hand on the desk and laughing hysterically * Oh god that was funny!

Mother Love- Well Disgruntled, it certainly seems that you are better prepared this night, how are you feeling?

Disgruntled Gamer- I feel great! This time I ll wait to do my partying til after I have beat the crap out of Sublevel 27. I mean this guy is such a baby. First he says he is going to give the keys to the winner, then he won t give them to me. So I took em. Now he is crying that he wants them back in a Finders, Keepers match. Well he will Find that I will kick his ass, and his family will have to Keep his head in a jar after I rip it off.

ML- Umm but DG you didn t win last weeks match, and SL-27 never said he would give over the keys.

DG- Don t tell me my business, I did win that match last week! * Grabs a baseball bat * And I ll have words with anyone who says so. * Chases Mother Love out of the dressing room *

DG picks up the microphone that was dropped by Mother Love

DG- Okay back to the dumbasses in the tower, and, this segment is brought to you by John Wayne Toilet Paper. Cause it s just like me, tough as hell and won t take shit off nobody.

MS- Man I hope that Sublevel 27 takes an umbrella and shoves it up Disgruntled Gamers ass!

BSS- Yeah and then opens it up!

Both announcers get a good laugh at the thought of an umbrella being opened up in DGs butt.

MS- Okay Big Se ... Pshshshshshshshshsh * Once again the television cameras turn off and there is only static. *

Then as before, the mysterious cloaked man is back, and enjoying a Big Beef Burrito from Taco Bell.

Cloaked Man- Umm, what the?!? Oh, are we back on?!? I didn t know we had more lines! * Quickly puts down his Burrito * Umm yeah it s me again, umm don t have nothing much to add! * Grabs a paper laid down on his desk * Umm okay, heh heh, you are all doomed! You re going to have your underwear stoll& Hey! Who has been messing with my lines! * There s snickering in the background * All right this wasn t supposed to happen! Now the mysterious cloaked man is pissed! * A mysterious gloved hand, hands the mysterious cloaked man a note * Umm oh yeah, * Picks up the burrito by his cloaked face * Heh heh, this segment and the other one is brought to you by Big Beef Burritos from Taco Bell. Run for the border, then run to the bathroom. Umm okay, that s all from the Mysterious Cloaked Mans Network (known as MCMN). Back to your regular programming.

Pshshshshshshshshshsh, then we see Big Sexy Stefan struggling to remove a young ladies bra.

BSS- What! Oh crap we are back! (To the young girl) Umm, okay honey, come back later and bring a Screwdriver, pair of pliers, and an Aseytelline blow torch to get that damn thing off! * Turns back to the camera * Heh heh, umm hi! Nevermind what you saw, she umm had problems with uhhh that thing, to you know, umm. Hey look! * Points towards the crowd and runs off the stage *

MS (Shaking his head)- All right that damn MSMN guy is pissing me off! Well lets go back to Mother Love who is currently with Sublevel 27. I ll go and try to get Big Sexy back.

Mother Love- Hmm lots been happening tonight, but you are getting ready to face off with the man that stole your seven keys. Any thoughts about how the fight will go?

Sublevel 27- Yeah I ve got some damn thoughts. What the hell is going on around here! First we have this damn fruitloop dressed up likes it Halloween saying we all are doomed yadda, yadda, yadda. Then you got some damn over sexual co-host who thinks he s all that. And the other announcer who wouldn t know how to talk his way out of a wet paper bag. Then some stupid match pitting me against some lame loser who thinks my keys open something important or something. Man this crap is beneath me, there is no way I m doing this silly crap.

Mother Love- Umm I just received word that Art Bell has heard you are fighting tonight and is in his way here now.

Sublevel 27- Really!?! Oh man, is my hair all right? Oh what will I say? Oh joy, he s really coming right? * Mother Love shakes her head yes * Oh boy, I ll be there now!

MS- Oh man, I don t like him either. I hope DG, after he has an umbrella stuck up his butt, kicks the crap out of SL-27.

BSS (Back, but still a nice red color)- Yep I know what you mean. It s the Finders, Keepers Jerk of the Month contest.

MS: Well here comes Disgruntled Gamer.

Disgruntled Gamer comes out to the music of Kid Rocks "I m a Cowboy Baby".

BSS- Look he is even wearing a little cowboy hat, and chaps.

MS- Heh, heh what a nut.

BSS- Yeah Corn Nut.

DG makes his way into the ring and takes a swip at Shockwave who blocks it easily.

BSS- Oh man, he doesn t want to mess with Shockwave, cause he ll reach up his butt and rip his lungs out.

MS- Yep Shockwave is just, the Man!

BSS- Here come Sublevel 27.

Sublevel 27 comes out to the music of Rage Against the Machine "No Shelter".

MS- Well I d have to say that is a fitting song for him.

BSS- Yeah at least we don t have to worry about having no shelter. Do we?

Master Sidious shrugs

MS- Okay the ring announcer has made his way into the ring for the pre-match introductions.

Butthead (Takes the mic and looks at it)- Uh, hello or something, * As his voice reverberates * Heh,heh,heh,heh,heh cool, heh, heh, heh, heh. Umm Beavis told me I could score here, uhhh anyone want to get naked, heh, heh, heh.

Shockwave- Man not again. * He walks over to Butthead * Okay son, just make the pre-match announcements.

Butthead- Oh okay. This ummm fight or something is brought to you by the King of Beers, Budweiser! Cool! Heh, heh, heh anyone want to give me one? Heh heh heh& that d be cool. So like we got this buttmunch over here (pointing at SL27) taking on that fartknocker over there (pointing at DG). * Just then an anonymous teen strips off her shirt and bra and waves at SL27, who waves back. * (Butthead in his Barry White imitation voice) Whhhhooooaaa, hey there, baby, come to Butthead.

But before Butthead can get to the chick, SL27 kicks him in the groin, and DG slams him over the top rope. Butthead hits the concrete floor head first and sits up&

Butthead- That sucked, heh, heh, heh, heh.

MS- Looks like Shockwave is giving the fighters their instructions.

Shockwave- Okay gentleman, I gave you your instructions in the back. This is a gimmick match. You must retrieve 4 keys and place them into the buckets at your designated corner. I want to see you murder each other after you have the keys. I also would like a scotch on the rocks, served with a plumb, in a mans shoe. Any questions?

Shockwave- Then lets get it on!

BSS- And there s the bell, oh man this is gonna be one hell of a fight.

MS- It is Big Sexy, even the fighters are starting on each other, look!

Disgruntled Gamer- (Right in Sublevels face) Listen up Nancy boy, those keys are mine so&* Smack *

BSS- Oh man, what a smack, it looks like Sublevel wasn t kidding when he said he would smack the taste outta his mouth.

Disgruntled not happy with Sublevels treatment does a well preformed base ball slide between his legs as Sublevel throws an errant punch at him. Disgruntled from behind cracks SL in the head with his fist.

SL27- Ouch, god damn you * SL27 spins around with his fist trying to hit his foe, but misses wildly *

MS- Heh, looks like Disgruntled is frustration the bigger man.

BSS- Yep but don t count him out just yet.

Disgruntled in retaliation kicks SL27 s knees several times, forcing the big man to the mat. He climbs the ropes and jumps off delivering a crossed leg over SL27 s throat.

BSS- Oh man, what a move! I haven t seen the Executioners flying leg drop in years!

Disgruntled happy that his foe is down, goes outside the ring to look for a key.

DG(Trying to pick up the ring steps)- I know I saw one of those lackeys putting a key under here&ahhhh there it is. (Disgruntled spies the first key and reaches for it)

Slam!

DG- OOOOOOowwwwwww!

MS- Oh man, what a leap from the top rope! DG didn t even see SL-27 jump on the ring steps.

BSS- Yeah I think he may have broke his arm!

SL- Muhahahaha dipstick, you should concentrate on me at all times * While rolling DG over, he reaches under the stairs himself and grabs the first key, goes to his bucket and drops it in *

BSS- Okay, SL27 has the first key, but oh man look out!

Disgruntled came up from behind SL27 and tried to smack him with a chair, but SL moved just in time causing the chair to hit the ropes and smack DG in the head. SL27 saw another key as the chair hit his opponent in the head and grabbed it.

MS- Wow, what luck for Sublevel, he found his second key on the very weapon that Disgruntled was going to use on him.

BSS- Heh, heh, yep he must have heard my warning.

Sublevel 27 proceeds to then use DG s hand to hit his foe.

SL27- Why you hitting yourself DG, huh? Why you hitting yourself? Don t you like yourself, huh?

DG- Stop it! Grrrrrr! I m going to kick your butt!!!

BSS- Oh man it looks like DGs getting a little angry.

MS- Yep, that s what Sublevel does, pisses ya off to the point that you can t fight effectively.

DG swings wildly with his free hand where Sublevel 27 is now messing up his hair.

DG- Ahh damn it, stop it!

SL27- Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

SL27 lets go of DG who proceeds to throw a temper tantrum and runs right at Sublevel, who doubles up his fists and just as he gets within reach slugs him over the head with his huge hands. Sending DG pitifully down to the mat.

BSS- (Overly excited) Oh Manhole Cover Smash! Oh sweet, I was wondering if he d use it!

MS- Well he certainly used it effectively.

SL27 gets out of the ring heading towards the vending machines to try to find more keys&

MS- Wow, what a fight we have going on &Pshshshshshshshshshsh&* the camera light turns off and then back on again, but this time, the mysterious cloaked man is on the Jumbo Death Match-o-Vision. *

MS- Oh man not him again, hey we back on the air? (Technician shakes his head yes) Good maybe we can get some answers now! * There is a split screen showing both Sidious and the Mysterious Cloaked Man. *

MS- Big Sexy keep our fans up on what is happening in the fight, I ll see if I can get some answers from this bozo.

BSS- Heh heh heh okay Sidious, tear him up good.

MCM- Muhahahahaha, I am back once again! You are all going to be doomed, doomed I tells ya! Muhahahahahaha!

MS- Yeah we see that there fruity. So what the hell do you want this time?

MCM- Oh my dear Sidious, are you angered at me? Ha, ha, ha never fear, I will tell you why I m back. In a few short moments you will be receiving a list, muhahahahaha, and what a list it will be.

BSS (Watching the fight) Oh man what a comeback, while Sublevel was wasting his time at the vending machines, Disgruntled was able to find 2 keys. One was under some fat ladies breast, the other was in some guys beer and it didn t appear that he was very happy with having to pour out that beer.

Just then the Mysterious Gloved Hand, hands Master Sidious a manila envelope with Pokemon characters on it. Master Sidious opens up the envelope and reads the paper quickly.

MS- What the heck is this. What you want us to put these guys in the death match ring for a fight or something.

MCM- Oh no my dear Sidious, what I want is a little red fire truck. Dad promised me that little red fire truck. But when Christmas came, what did I get, a f_cking cop car. No little red fire truck for little mysterious cloaked boy, no siree bob. All I wan&

MS- Ahem, um cloaked dude. I mean about the list of names.

MCM- Holy crap!!! What the hell was that!?! * As a blur flashes by Mysterious Cloaked Mans face *

BSS (Still watching the fight as well as enjoying some nachos) Oh my god! They killed him, they killed him. Disgruntled Gamer just pulled of a Senton Suicide bomb from up top the Death Match-O-Vision screen on top of Sublevel27. Oh man what a move, I think they re both dead!

MS- Thanks for the re-cap Big Sexy. Anyways back to the list, what the heck do you want me to do with this.

MCM- It is simple my dyslexic friend, we want those people in the ring next week where I will unleash the unholy bastard of all bastards.

MS- What!?! You re going to release Diablo 2? Cool!

BSS- What did you say, Diablo 2 is coming out!?! Yes!

MS- Oh yeah that game is going to be awesome, thanks Mysterious Cloaked Dude, we can hardly wait now.

MCM (Visible frustrated)- No you , grrrrrr, oh man, no we want those men in the ring to fight my creation!

BSS- Oh man, they are both up, and have a key apiece. It s all tied up with only 1 key left to find.

MS- Well I can understand having these four, but Edge and Tridus is out of the question. They are previous winners and can t battle. Sid6.9 has plans for those two.

MCM- Really?!? But are they Evil plans?

MS- Don t know, but I know they won t be in the ring next week.

MCM- Oh they will battle, or I won t be coming!

MS- Okay, see you later than.

MCM- Doh! Oh okay then, well we want the other 4, in the ring next week!

MS- Well Sid6.9 has the final say, we ll have to wait for Monday to see what he says.

MCM- Really?!? Do we have to wait that long? Hmm, well, I suppose I could wait a little longer. But you and your underwear are doomed tonight! * Looks down at the paper in his hands then over to his right. * All right damn it! I m going to hang the funny man by his toes for messing with my lines! * Serious laughter can be heard from around the Mysterious Cloaked Man. * Until Monday then, this is the Mysterious Cloaked Mans Network out!

MS- Thank god he s gone. What s going on with the battle Big Sexy?

BSS- Oh man both competitors are back in the ring and slugging it out.

Sublevel 27 with the advantage through a dastardly Bathroom Ball Slam. Picks up Disgruntled Gamer to throw him out of the ring. When he sees Art Bell in the front row.

SL27- Oh man it s him, oh joy, he came, he came. * Sublevel 27 jumps out of the ring and heads towards Art Bell *

MS- Oh man what s he doing? He had Disgruntled right where he wanted him!

BSS- Yep and Disgruntled is getting back up.

Disgruntled also seeing Art Bell&

DG- Art Bell!!! I can t believe he s here. Oh man what a treat. * DG heads out of the ring right behind SL27 to where Art Bell is sitting, and sitting well he is. *

Sl27- Oh man, hi, look it s Art Bell everyone! * The crowd looks at Art Bell then back at SL27 and shrugs *

DG- Art Bell, can I have your autograph, come on I m your #1 fan. * Pushes a pen and paper towards him *

SL27- * Pushing Disgruntled away * No I m his #1 fan numbnuts.

Just then both competitors notice a gold key around Art s neck.

DG- (Whispers) The key!

SL27- Umm hey Art, why not giving the key to me.

Art Bell just sits there and smiles and shakes his head no.

DG- Ha, ha, I told you he likes me better. * Pushing SL to the side * Come on buddy, you want your pal Disgruntled to have the key don t you.

The very fat Art Bell continues to shake his head no while smiling.

SL27 (Getting a little frustrated and reaching for the key) Okay, damn it, give me the key now!

DG- No! * Reaches and grabs the key as well * I m having this here key!

BSS- Uh oh, he better give the key to one of them, they aren t looking to happy about him not handing it over.

Both men grab the key and start tugging on it, Art falls forward as the string has no slack around his thick neck and starts to choke.

Art Bell- Ahhcckk, ahhcckk * Starts turning a nice blue color as DG and SL pull harder on the key *

SL27- * Pulling for all he s worth * Let go of the damn key numbnuts!

DG- No way fruitcake! The key is mine!

Just then, Art Bells head pops off his shoulders, leaving DG and SL27 standing there in amazement.

MS- Oh man, Arts head popped off! Look like the zit I popped last week. Oooooooo what a mess.

BSS- Actually it came off faster than a virgins panties do in the back of my car, heh heh.

DG- Look what you did, asshole, you killed my hero!

SL27- I did, you freaking loser, you re the one that killed him

DG throws a wicked punch into SL27 s face, but he doesn t release the key, SL27 reaches under Disgruntled arm and slams him several times into the ring post. But DG refuses to let go of the key.

MS- Wow, they really have a death grip on that last key!

SL27 gets back into the ring, and brings in a limp DG with him. Sublevel proceeds to hammer on Disgruntleds hand and arm. But DG comes to and kicks Sublevel several times in the face.

BSS- Oh man, Sublevel looks like one of those punch a Pokemon punch bags.

MS- Heh, heh, I have one of them, they are fun to beat the hell out of!

Disgruntled gets up, jumping up on the ropes, and flies over the top of Sublevel, wrapping his legs around his head. But Sublevel grabs one of DGs legs and holds off disgruntleds move to put him into&

MS- Oh dear lord, Sublevel has Disgruntled in the "Sub Levelers Nightmare"!!!

With Disgruntled upside down, Sublevel puts one foot on his chin and with them still holding on to the key, and his other hand with one foot in the air.

Sublevel- Hey Disgruntled, did you know that you always stick your foot in your mouth everytime you post.

Disgruntled struggling to get free.

DG- No I don t!

SL27- Oh yes you do!

And SL27 drops real fast down to the mat, keeping his foot on DGs head and rams his leg down to his head.

BSS- Oh man, that was just not right, oh man, oh dear lord, everyone turn away now.

MS- Oh good lord, I, I, I m * pukes all over the desk *

Sublevel stands up with the key and delivers it to the tin can. Shockwave checks on Disgruntled quickly while holding his stomach and walks over and raises Sublevel s hand.

MS (Still visible shaken) Your winner for this match is&Sublevel 27 (Keeper of the Seven Keys). Now will someone cover up * Pukes again * &Disgruntled, oh god, I m going to * Pukes again at the sight of the now deformed and deceased Disgruntled Gamer *

BSS- Oh man, oh dear lord, they killed Disgruntled Gamer! You Bastard Sid!

MS- Well that s it for tonight, until Monday when we will see what Sid has to say about that possible match up for next week. Until then, I m Master Sidious.

BSS- And I m Big Sexy Stefan the Human Love Machine, saying&

Both Together- Good Fight, Good Night!