Disclaimer: This is the Friday Night Death Matches. It is not a popularity contest. All contestants are taken from the War Room, over a flame war, disagreement, or pig butt nasty insult throwing. While the author may have an opinion about the flame war, he will not let it be known through these stories. These stories are not to be taken seriously, it is fictional. All people should be reminded to not try any of these stunts at home, due to the fact that they are made up. Anyways it is just a story.

 

 

 

"We Will, We Will, Rock You" as the fans chant to the music blaring from the house speakers. A fireworks display shots off and all the fans begin to go absolutely insane. Fans start cheering uncontrollable as two figures take their places aboard a raised platform.

Master Sidious: Great evening ladies and gentleman, * fans start cheering *, I am Master Sidious your host for this Firdays Death Match. * The fans start chanting "Peak_Man, Peak_Man, Peak_Man".

Master Sidious: And with me as always is the "Doctor of Dentistry", the "Duke of Hazzard", and the man that really shot JR, Rstefan01.

Rstefan01: That's right fight fans, Big Sexy is in da hooooouuuuuussssseeeeee. * All the women scream *

Master Sidious: Wow Big Sexy, we have one hell of a show for tonight don't we.

BSS: That's right Sidious, we have got a three-way dance of death. Last Monday we announced that H-H and Tridus would be going at it.

MS: Yep, then we got an unannounced visit from the fighter known as Peak_Man. I mean he came in and scared the crap right out of us.

BSS: Yeah he sure did, and we got the skid marks to prove it.

MS: Anyways he threatened our promoter Sid6.9, saying he was going to jam his fist up his ass and treat him like howdy-dowdy.

BSS: Yep so he booked him into the match as well. To make it what we have tonight, the 3-way dance of death.

MS: This segment is brought to you by our good friends at Hickory Farms. When someone is feeding you bologna, just tell him it came from Hickory Farms and eat it all up.

BSS: Okay lets take a look at our fighters. Our first fighter is H-H, he is always posting his imbalance views and not many people agree with what he has to say. But not to be undaunted this fighter continues on. His main weapon of choice is his "100 List Silly Stick", he wields this thing like a Ninja does in a Japanese Beanie Baby shop. His finisher is the "Terran em Up Piledriver".

MS: Or next participant is Tridus, this fighter has been responding to H-Hs posts ever since H-H brought his views to the War Room. He brawls like no one else, and even though he is only 5 feet tall, this fighter is ferocious. He employs a variety of specialty moves such as the "Trident Spear" and the "Vipers Bite". His finisher is the "Spinwheel of Death".

BSS: Our last fighter is the very large Peak_Man. We do not know much about this fighter, so we will have to wait until later tonight to see what he can do.

MS: We just got word that Mother Love is with our first competitor H-H, lets go to her now.

Mother Love: Thanks guys, and a big hi to you Big Sexy. I've got a little somethin' somethin' for you later tonight big boy. * Unbuttoning her top button on her blouse.*

BSS: Yikes!!!

MS: (To Big Sexy) Go on big guy * snickers *, come on she wants you. * Nudges Big Sexy with his elbow *

BSS: (To Sidious) Oh man, if I want to have sex with that, I would have to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Mother Love: Well H-H you certainly got your work cut out for you tonight going against Tridus and Peak_Man. Any thoughts on how the fight will go.

H-H: I don't C this happinng. I mean how Imbalanced can U get. They get a 12x12 foot locker room each and I only get an 8x8 locker room, imbalance I tell U. And Y do I have to take on 2 competitors, I mean come on, imbalance. I saw the ring ropes earlier and they are not regulation size, they are 2 inch shorter than normal ones, imbalance. The food stand only has&

Mother Love: Umm okay thanks H-H, well back to you guys.

MS: Well it certainly seems H-H is not happy about the fight tonight.

BSS: Heh, heh, nope. But he better get prepared fast cause he will be fighting tonight.

MS: Okay our next segment is brought to you by Renuzit Stick-ups. Cause the War Room is a good place for a Stick-up.

BSS: Well Mother Love has made her way to Tridus, lets get back to her.

ML: Tridus, a lot of talk about tonights death match, we all know how you feel about H-H, but what about Peak_Man. He says if you get near H-H, he is going to take you out too, any thoughts.

(As Tridus is putting on his shoes and enjoying a Tuna sandwich on whole wheat) Tridus: Well H-H is mine. I don't give a rats ass if Peak_Man doesn't like it. I mean he sits around blubbering "Whaa whaa whaa I want to fight H-H, whaa whaa whaa. Why does Tridus get a shot at him, and not me whaa whaa whaa." He may be big, but that doesn't mean anything. I'll chop his big ass down. Then I'm going to take H-H, Take his head, and shove it right up Peak_Mans ass. Then H-H will smell what the Peak_Man has been eating.

ML: Okay thanks Tridus, well lets get back to you guys.

BSS: Wow, Tridus certainly seems very pumped up for tonights fight.

MS: He does, hey BS why don't you tell the fans on how you think this fight will go down.

BSS: Well judging from what I've seen of Peak_Man, both H-H and Tridus will definently want stay out of his reach. In and out attacks, gotta go with their superior speed and reflexes over the big man. H-H should utilize his biggest weapon in the "100 list silly stick", and Tridus I feel should go with what happens, he should sit back and watch out for Peak_Man, then strike him when he gets the chance.

MS: Okay, nice analysis, well Mother Love has made her way to Peak_Man.

Mother Love: Well Peak_Man, you get your chance at H-H tonight, but Tridus doesn't seem to think you'll be a big threat to him. Any thoughts?

Peak_Man: Well,well,well, everyone knows that Tridus fears the Peak. He better just watch himself when he's out there or I may separate his head from his body. H-H on the other hand, my prediction for H-H is PAIN! And a lot of it.

MS: Wow, what a statement!

BSS: Yep that big guy is charged up!

MS: Well it seems our fighters are making their way to the ring.

Tridus comes out first to the song "Enter Sandman" by Metallica.

MS: Hey there's Shockwave our resident referre.

BSS: Yep I heard last week that he got that rash from Mother Love, ha ha ha, he should know to stay away form her.

H-H makes his way out to the song "You got another thing coming" by the band Judas Priest.

BSS: Wow H-H doesn't look too happy does he.

Peak_Man makes his way out to the music of Gershwin.

MS: Doesn't seem like a fitting song for the big man.

BSS: Why don't you go down there and tell him that.

MS: No thanks, I've got a date with the Patterson Triplets tonight, and I want my manhood intact.

MS: There's our ring announcer to make the pre-match introductions.

Cornholio: (Takes the mike and looks at it) Um, heh heh heh, hello or something. * As his voice reverberates he looks at the mike again * Heh heh heh heh heh cool, heh heh heh heh.

Cornholio: I am Cornholio, I need TP, TP for my bunghole, heh heh heh, yep, heh heh heh, that'd be cool.

Shockwave walks over to Cornholio.

Shockwave: All right son, just quit the commentary and make the announcements of the competitors.

Cornholio: (Looks at Shockwave) Whhhaaattt! Are you threatening me! You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole. Do you have oleo, oleo for my bunghole?

Shockwave: All right last chance son, quit the jabbering and get on with the announcements.

Cornholio: I've got an announcement! My bunghole goes, bhaaaaa, bhaap, bap, bap, bap, bahhhhhhhp.

Shocwave: All right, I've heard enough.

Shockwave walks over and starts beating the BeJesus out of Cornholio.

Cornholio (While being smacked around): Quite it you fartknocker, ahhhhhh stop it.

Shockwave throws Cornholio through the ring ropes.

Shockwave: Ahhh to hell with the announcements, you fighters heard my instructions in the back. I want a pig nasty fight. I want to see blood coming out of all body entrances at all times. I want a pastrami on white bread, and a pair of comfortable shoes.

Shockwave: Now lets get it on!!!!

MS: There's the bell, and this fight is underway.

Tridus looks over at Peak_Man and charges than dives at him.

BSS: Oh my god! Tridus just gave Peak_Man the trident spear!

MS: Yeah but it didn't even faze the big man!

Peak_Man just smiled at Tridus as he sat on the mat.

PM: Hey Tridus, ever reach for the stars when you were a kid.

Tridus: Umm yeah.

Peak_Man picks up Tridus turns him over so one hand has the scruff of his neck and the other on his belt.

Peak_Man: Then lets see if you can join them.

And Peak_Man kicks Tridus straight up into the air with a big boot.

MS: Oh man he just punted Tridus!

BSS: Yeah, and man what hang time, NFL scouts will want to get a hold of this guy.

MS: Well Tridus looks to be out of the match, it's now down between H-H and Peak_Man.

H-H (Looking up at the ring lights): Y is there 20 lights on one side, and only 15 on the other. Imbalance I tell U.

Peak_Man charges at H-H, but H-H moves out of the way just in time causing Peak_Man to meet the ring post one on one. Peak_Man falls back a little dazed and confused.

MS: Oh man he just hit that ring post really hard.

BSS: Yeah I feel sorry for that ring post, it couldn't avoid it.

H-H jumps up on Peak_Man and proceeds to stomp on him. Peak_Man with one swat sends H-H to the other side of the ring.

BSS: Man what a smack, looks like Peak_Man is going to smack his bitch up.

MS: Oh man look who is getting back into the ring!

Tridus, a little bloody from his introduction to the ceiling, crawls into the ring beneath Peak_Man. Before Peak_Man can notice him, Tridus delivers a "Trident Spear" from underneath to Peak_Mans Jimmy.

MS: Ouch, oh my god, 2 "Trident Spears" and this one paid off cause Peak is on the ground, and not a very pretty color either.

BSS: Yep, but after that you can't really blame him for being down, I mean his nut sack is now in his throat.

H-H pulls out his 100 list silly stick and heads straight at Tridus.

H-H: (In a very evil voice) Oh yes, by the means of my Imbalance, U shall meet your maker Tridus.

Swings the stick at Tridus who ducks and rolls, gets up and greets H-Hs buttocks with a foot.

Tridus: Ha, ha H-H, looks like I just kicked your ass.

H-H with a growl swipes his stick back at Tridus catching him in the chest, opening a 6-inch gash.

H-H: And with my stick I shall strike down on U with furious anger and impunity!

H-H swings his stick again, but Tridus gets tripped, and picked up by Peak_Man.

H-H: Ahhhh, uh-oh.

Peak_Man: (In his best Tony Montana from Scarface impression) Say hallo to my little friend.

And swings Tridus at H-H.

BSS: Wow, Peak_Mans got his own stick, the Tridus Stick of Devastation. I wonder if Shockwave is going to allow it.

Shockwave: You're damn right I'll allow it, this is damn funny.

Tridus: Hey cut it out jerkoff!

H-H swings back, but Peak_Man uses Tridus to block the blow.

Tridus: Ouch, god damn it, put me down you freaking freak of nature!

Peak_Man retaliates with a Tridus shot to H-Hs head.

Tridus: Ouch, all right the jokes over, put me down!

H-H falls to the mat and loses his stick. Peak_Man raises Tridus over his head to deliver the final blow.

Tridus: Oh I've had just about enough of this.

Tridus curls around Peak_Mans neck and applies the "Vipers Bite" on his neck. Peak_Man freezes in place with his mouth open.

MS: Oh man, Vipers bite, Vipers bite, Peak_Man is now in trouble.

BSS: Yep if it is applied to long, Peak_Man will lose all control over his body. I heard Tridus learned this move from Shaman Tabby-taba-tuku, while on a trip in Africa.

MS: Well he is using it very well now.

Peak_Man luckily was close enough to the ropes to smash Tridus's head into one of the ring posts. Tridus releases the hold and Peak_Man throws him by H-H.

Tridus and H-H get up and look at a smiling Peak_Man. Tridus whispers something into H-Hs ear.

MS: I wonder what Tridus is telling H-H.

BSS: (While H-H shakes his head) I don't know, but it looks like H-H is agreeing with him

Both H-H and Tridus circle around Peak_Man. Tridus charges into one of Peak_Mans knees with another "Trident Spear".

MS: Oh man, 3 spears.

H-H circles around and delivers a critical strike to the top of Peak_Mans head, Tridus gets up in front of Peak_Man and stands on his hands, spreads his legs into the splits, and starts spinning, catching Peak_Man in the head several times.

BSS: "Spinwheel of Death", they are double teaming Peak_Man.

MS: Yep it looks like they are joining up to take the big man out. Smart move on their part.

H-H after Tridus gets done, puts Peak_Mans head between his legs, picks him up and jumps into the air.

MS: "Terran Em Up Piledriver", I'd say this fight is definitely over for Peak_Man.

After H-H applies his finisher he starts to put the bad-mouth on Peak_Man.

H-H: You freaking idiot, we showed you, you big goof. We are partnering up, and took your sad, silly, big ass out!

Tridus from behind H-H, picks up H-Hs 100 list silly stick.

Tridus: (From behind H-H) I don't recall making you my partner.

H-H: (Starts turning towards Tridus) Whhhaatt, b-b-but U sa&.

Swipe&.

BSS: Oh man, he just cut off H-H's head! What a double cross!

Tridus gets down by H-H's decapitated head and starts screaming into his dead head.

Tridus: DTA you stupid bastard! Don't Trust Anybody! * And proceeds to open a beer and pours it over H-H's head. *

Shockwave checks both Peak_Man and H-H, and raises Tridus's hand.

MS: Wow, Tridus is the winner. It looks like he pulled it off.

BSS: Yep I never thought I'd see it, especially after seeing the size of Peak_Man.

MS: Just goes to show, size doesn't mean everything. But it did take both of Tridus and H-H to defeat the big man. But H-H didn't pay in mind that Tridus was still after him.

BSS: Yep, and I guess H-H can't say his heads above the rest of us. Ha ha ha

BSS: I guess he put his neck on the line tonight. Ha ha ho ho.

BSS: Looks like he lost his head during this match. Heh heh heh

BSS: Well&

MS: That's enough BS, well folks until next week, I'm Master Sidious.

BSS: And I'm Big Sexy Stefan the Human Love Machine saying&

Together: Good fight! Good night!