The Association of P.A.V.E would like to remind you that this show is now a Rated R Presentation
Announcer Dude- What will happen tonight when 2 groups of men, that have total hatred towards one another, get into the ring tonight? Will Y2T be able to pull of an exciting show? Will Big Sexy ever get that redhead in the front row? Will Shockwave ever get that Turkey on Rye with Mustard that he has been wanting? Well the answers to these questions and many more will be answered tonight as…
Weird Ass Sports in co-operation with Tridus Inc. are proud to
Bring to you…
Friday Night War
Room Death Match!!!
Suddenly that image changes as we see the inside of a darkened arena, then explosions happen in the distance. The lights suddenly come on and off. Several barely dressed gorgeous ladies dance on top the DeathMatch-O-Vision as the music of Korn’s “Falling Away From Me” blares out of the house speakers. The lights come on fully to reveal the fans as the wave to the cameras, holding up their beers and homemade signs, and even one gentleman shows the home audience his “Brown Eye”. Some of the signs read…
“Kennedy, Nixon, Clinton, and now Y2T, will the madness ever end”, “Life sucks, so let’s kill someone”, “nWd= Now We die”, “Hey Big Sexy! Who’s your daddy? Come one, you know it, I’m your daddy!” “For the love of god, can I please get into the Death Matches!”
The screen quickly changes away from the fans as two individuals walk up mounting the announcing table, and after they finish, sit down…
Announcer Dude- Welcome ladies and gentleman, I am Announcer Dude welcoming you * The fans start to chant “Announcer Dude, Announcer Dude!” Yes thank you, and welcome to the wonderful DeathMatch Auditorium! Now please help me in welcoming your host for the Death Match….Master of the Death Match Chat…..And all around great guy…..Master Sidious!
The fans go absolutely bonkers as Sidious waves to the fans…
Master Sidious- Thank you Dude, and thank you Fight Fans! Yes, I am of course Master Sidious your host with the most! And joining me as always is! The “Monkey See, Monkey Do” man, the man that likes to “Sew his Royal Oats” and the man that knows how all the good girls liked to be spanked! He is of course…
But before Sidious can finish the fans take over, “Big Sexy Stefan!”
Big Sexy stands taking the mic from Sidious and takes to the top of the announcing desk…
Big Sexy Stefan- Oh yeah baby, guess who’s back, oh yeah, guess who’s back in Big Daddies Stable, he is of course the “Beep beep beeeep!” and ladies he is…. (Big Sexy stops in mid sentence for a second and looks at the mic, as the fans all look at one another) What the hell, the “Beep beep beeeep!” was cut off! What the hell Sidious?
MS- Umm, well, uhh, we couldn’t do that part anymore Big Sexy.
BSS (As he climbs down from the table)- What do you mean we can’t do it anymore?
MS- Well see, it’s umm, these people from uhh P.A.V.E.
BSS- P.A.V.E? What is that?
Suddenly a lady appears on the Internet monitors as Big Sexy and Master Sidious look at her.
Lady (In a ritzy snotty voice)- I am P.A.V.E, well the leader of it, we are the Parents Against Violent Entertainment, and we are taking over the shows content department.
BSS (To Sidious)- Ehh, okay, umm when did this happen Sidious?
MS (To Big Sexy)- Well with Sid6.9 running off, so did his political clout with the Internet network. And P.A.V.E just rolled right on in. I heard Y2T even gave one of ‘em the “Trident Spear”, but they still forced their way in. Tridus had no choice but to either follow their wishes, or cancel the show. I hear Arnold Greenspan is with them. They took away several things that we can’t do anymore.
BSS- Like?
MS- Heh, heh, well they didn’t say exact things as of yet. But they did take away the “Beep beep beeep”.
BSS (Turns to the lady)- All right lady you cannot have my “Beep beep beeep” damn it!
Snotty Lady (As she will be known for now on)- Oh why yes, it has been determined that you out of all people are a breeding ground for violence. And yes, I have taken your Love Machine! And it will never see the light of our day again! You people there have no morals, and I intend to force them upon you!
BSS (Shocked)- Me? Breed Violence? Lady, you have it all wrong, the only thing that I breed is well, you know * As he bangs his hips back and forth * (As he lifts his eyebrows at the lady) Rowwr, now can you dig it baby, yeah! And you can’t force no morsels on me damn it, I eat em, but I don’t wear em, unless of course it’s whip cream on my, well you know.
Snotty Lady- Humph, just like I said, you are not a true role model for the children of today. It’s all I can do to keep my Muffin from watching the TV. From watching this display of sexual perversion, yes, you are a perversion Mr. Stefan.
BSS- Heh, heh won’t argue with that one. And did you say your Muffin watches TV, my, my I’d love to see that!
Suddenly a 16-year-old blond girl shows up on the monitor…
Snotty Lady- My muffin is my daughter you heathen and she is a well brought up child. But because of you, and your sexual thrusting and gyrating, and showing your one-eyed sock puppet…
BSS- Trouser Snake, he is my Trouser Snake, thank you.
Snotty Lady- Well it is no more! I will not have Muffin (Motioning to her daughter) be regulated to see such a overly sexual……..Freak, trying to get into my Muffins undies!
Muffin looks at Big Sexy and licks the corner of her mouth, then with a smooth gradual movement, slides her tongue from one side of her mouth to the other as Big Sexy gets excited.
BSS- Woah there! Daddies about to do a little stuffin’ into that Muffin! Yeah baby, can you feel it!
Snotty Lady (Shocked)- Well I never, you sexist pig you! Muffin go to your room. As for you, you pervert, I wish you could be more like David Hasselhoff! At least he knows how to treat a lady!
BSS (Gets angry)- David Hasselhoff! That bum couldn’t even tie my, well, he couldn’t tie my thing.
Snotty Lady- Humph, he could ride my knight any time! As for you though, you better just watch what you say, or I will personally yank you off!
BSS- Woah! Your gonna Yank me off huh? Cool!
Snotty Lady (Upset)- Well I never! (And the monitor goes blank)
BSS (Shouting at the empty monitor)- Yeah and I bet you never will either Bitch!
MS (Trying to calm down Big Sexy)- Calm down Big Sexy, calm down, the bad lady is gone now.
BSS- Damn it Sidious, how could this happen? I mean, I’m not myself anymore, how can I be without the “Beep beep beeeep”?
MS- Relax Big Sexy, I’m sure it’s only temporary.
BSS- Hummph and what did she mean David Hasselhoff could ride her Knight? What the hell is up with that? Hasselhoff couldn’t ride a Gramma on her hands and knees, and she thinks he is better than I am.
MS- Well BS, he is the sexist TV st…
BSS- Hey, don’t be taking her side Sidious! I’m sexier than Hasseldork!
MS- Your right Big Sexy, you are right, shall we continue with the show.
BSS- I don’t see how we can Sidious, the ladies haven’t been entertained tonight.
MS- Well I’m sure you will think of something, let’s take a look at the fight tonight though first, okay.
BSS- Okay, I suppose we could. But I’m telling you Sidious, I don’t like this P.A.V.E business and I especially hate that David Hasselhoff * As he shakes his hand at the sky * Damn you Hasselhoff, damn you and your tan skin!
MS- Okay, well fight fans it seems we have got one dozy of a fight tonight. But as P.A.V.E has shown their contempt for our show, there are some things they instilled for tonight’s fight. (Takes out a piece of paper) Okay first, no showing anyone being hit, punched, kicked, gouged, jumped on, bruised, battered, bleeding, kicked in the “Jimmy”, assaulted, maimed, destroyed, slapped, head butted or otherwise anything that is considered violent will not be shown on this show! Oh well this is just great, what the hell are we supposed to look at, Big Sexy stroking himself all night long?!?
BSS- Ah, Ah Sidious, remember I can’t be showing my one-eyed sock puppet! (Big Sexy thinks to himself) Hey that gives me a great idea!
MS- Okay, hold off on the idea Big Sexy, I’m sure Y2T has something planned for these rules, so let’s take a look at how this fight came about.
BSS- Well, tonight’s fight is based on the man AxeCrush! It seems he hates several things about today. One of them being the fact that people actually go out and upgrade their computer systems, despite the fact that he thinks that people are stupid and only use their computers for games. He also thinks that people, like teenagers, that do upgrade their computers for anything other than games are geeks. Well this didn’t sit well with several forumers who responded to his post. Several replies were made, but we picked two men out that flamed well. In fact Osiris’s post received a “LOL” from our own Y2T. Could Osiris and Y2T be friends? We will have to wait and see. But AxeCrush was not alone in his views as a partner emerged in Jerock. Just can this partnership withstand the duo of Osiris and Mister EZ, we will have to wait ‘til later tonight to find out.
MS- Wow, that was sure a great run-down Big Sexy, but before we look more closely at the fighters we are going to need to take a commercial break. So we will be right back after these important messages from DeathMatch Power Bars!
BSS- Is it the one I directed Sidious?!?
MS- Umm, no Big Sexy, they uhh, cancelled that too.
BSS- You mean P.A.V.E cancelled my sexy commercial?
MS- Yep, sorry BS, I loved it personally.
BSS- Damn you Hasselhoff! * While shaking his hand at the sky *
The screen changes to a bunch of kids playing on a playground…
Kid #1- Dang it man, I was
playing with that!
Kid #2- Shut up freak boy,
cause it’s mine now!
All the other children hear
this and move around…
Kid #1 (Approaches Kid #2
and tries to get his toy back)- It’s mine, it’s mine gimmie it back, you turd
face!
Kid #2 (Getting pissed)-
Get off me!
Kid #2 turns around and
pushes the first kid in the mud. All
the other children look at the first and laugh at him…
Kid #2- Hey look everyone,
he likes the mud, just like a little piggy!
All the other kids push up
their noses and make snorting sounds like a pig…
Kid #1 (With tears in his
eyes)- Stop it! I’m not a pig.
Kid #2- Uh-oh looks like
little baby is going to cry, baa-baa baby want his bottle now!
All the other kids hear
that and start teasing the first one as he runs away…
Kid #1 (To himself just
inside the school)- Why they have to make fun of me all the time! I wish I was a DeathMatch Competitor, then
I’d show them!
The kid looks across the
hall and sees a vending machine with some DeathMatch Power Bars in it. He goes into his pants for his milk money
and buys a bar and heads back out into the playground…
The kid moves towards the
others that were making fun of him and they see him coming and begin to make
fun of him again…
Kid #2- Hey look everyone,
PigBoy is back! Ha, ha, hey poop head
watcha want?
The other child doesn’t say
anything, just pulls out the DeathMatch Power Bar and takes a bite, and in a
huge cloud of smoke, there’s SubLevel-27 standing before the children as they
all stare in awe…
SubLevel-27- Say hello to
the underground PUNKS!
And he grabs the kid making
fun of him turns him over, placing one foot on his head and stretching his leg
out…
SubLevel-27- When some punk
wants to make fun of you! Just remember
to eat a DeathMatch Power Bar and…
SubLevel-27 slams the kid’s
foot down into his mouth…
SubLevel-27- LEVEL THEM!!!
Announcer Dude- DeathMatch
Power Bars, cause when you are being made fun of, let the DeathMatch Power Bar
do the talking for you! DeathMatch
Power Bars now available in all school vending machines, in a participating
school near you.
The screen than changes back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy Stefan…
Master Sidious- Wow, that was an awesome commercial! I think that’s the one that Quentin Tarantino directed!
Big Sexy Stefan- No I don’t think so Sidious. There was no gun play, and as you know he loves to shot up at least 30 people.
Master Sidious- Well I think the PAVE got to it first and cut out those scenes.
BSS- Oh yeah, the PAVE, well I would certainly like to PAVE their asses with my foot sometime Sidious.
MS (To Big Sexy)- Watch it BS, they are looking for anything to get you off the show, watch it buddy.
BSS- Yeah well being without the “Beep beep beeeep” just doesn’t feel the same Sidious.
MS- It’s okay Big Sexy, I’m sure it’s only temporary. Hey lets take a look at our first Tag-Team for tonight okay?
BSS- Heh, heh, you sure do know how to cheer me up Sidious.
MS- Yep, nothing like talking about a little Death and Destruction to lighten up a conversation.
BSS- No doubt. Well okay, the first time tonight is the aforementioned AxeCrush and Jerock. Now we told you about their single attributes, but how will they work as a team? Well while AxeCrush is the bruiser of the two, and that his mobility is not all that great, Jerock should concentrate on baiting their competitors into him. I hear they have a finishing move worked out called the “Leaning Tower”, but we will have to wait until later tonight to see what exactly that is, as they have been closely guarding it. Word out of the back is that AxeCrush definently runs this team, while Jerock is okay with taking orders from him. That is a good thing when it comes to teamwork, bad though if AxeCrush cannot give out orders, IE. If he gets killed, Jerock will certainly fall to the other two.
MS- Wow, that was a great analysis of that team Big Sexy. And I only thought that the term “The Head” was for something else.
BSS- Heh, heh, it is for that too Sidious, it is for that too.
MS- Well I hear that MotherLove is with our first combatants, AxeCrush and Jerock, let’s go to her now.
BSS- Oh man.
MotherLove- Oooo thanks guys, and Big Sexy, it is good to see you up there tonight sugar. How’s my baby doing tonight?
MS- Not good Mother, it seems the P.A.V.E have stolen Big Sexy’s “Beep beep beeeep” and won’t give it back.
Mother Love- Oh no, they took it? Oh I’m sorry Big Daddy Sexy, can the Big Mother Lover help you?
BSS (A little depressed)- No, no I’m sure everything will be all right! (To Sidious)- She’d probably just want to eat it anyway.
MS (Thinks for a second)- Well of course she would, she really wants you.
BSS (Thinks)- Oh yeah, heh, heh she would.
Mother Love stands in the room with two gentlemen standing nearby. The large one closest to Mother Love stares intently at the second who is bouncing around him like a rubber ball…
ML- So AxeCrush, it certainly seems like an exciting night for you all. You have some pretty tough competitors over in the other locker room. Any thoughts on them?
AxeCrush- Damn right, those damn War][c][r][afting little War][c][r][afters aren’t going to have a chance tonight! They are just plain War][c][r][aft! If they War][c][r][afting even think they have a chance tonight, they are sadly mistaken!
Second guy jumping around him- Yeah, yeah, you tell ‘em AxeCrush, yeah, yeah, you the man AxeCrush, you the man!
ML- Okay well, I guess. Umm what do you think Jerock?
Jerock- I think AxeCrush rules baby yeah (As he gets on his knees and points up at AxeCrush). Yeah, he rules! You rule AxeCrush!
ML- Okay now that we know that AxeCrush rules, what do you think will happen tonight in the fight?
Jerock- AxeCrush, yeah, he will rule, and I’ll be there! Yeah, yeah, AxeCrush rules baby, yeah!
ML- Well okay, thanks for the commentary, well back to you guys…
The cameras switch back to Sidious and Big Sexy…
MS- What in the hell was that? We didn’t find out anything about them.
BSS- Not entirely true Sidious, we did find out that AxeCrush rules.
MS- Okay, well fine, but what was up with AxeCrush saying War][c][r][aft repeatedly?
BSS- I thought it was language filters.
MS- No, they have only put a filter on the “Beep beep beeeep” and nothing else yet.
BSS- Hmm, don’t know then, maybe their foes will be playing some Warcraft tonight. Damn it too Sidious, I’m still mad about losing that, it was me, it was my identity, I feel so raped. So dirty (Starts rubbing his arms) Look the dirt isn’t coming off!
MS- Relax Big Sexy, I’m sure it’s only temporary. And plus we have to figure out a way to show the match tonight. With what they said we couldn’t show, I don’t see how we are going to do it. (Put his finger to his ear) Oh my, it seems the nWd have hit the arena, let’s go to them now…
The cameras switch to the back as Flutie and Peak_Man with the 30 some odd security guards make their way into the arena. As they walk in they run in DebtAngel…
Flutie (As he is brushing by DebtAngel)- Watch it Debt man! Flutie and the nWd are here, so stay out of out way!
Lord DebtAngel (Grabbing Flutie and pulling him back)- What did you say to the Lord of Debtness!
Flutie (Pulling away violently from him)- Listen up money man, I don’t give a damn about you or your, what was that, Debtness?
LDA (Growls)- Yes, Debtness!(As his eyes roll into his head)
Flutie looks at the camera and shrugs…
Flutie- Yeah, well whatever, you touch me again like that and I’ll pin your nuts to your head!
LDA (Growls)- The Lord of Debtness has no need for nuts, and if you get in my way again, I will surely take your soul for payment for insulting me.
Flutie- Ooooooo, you take souls, oh so scary. Tell me Debt Man have you ever taken a soul?
LDA (Thinks for a second)- Well no, everyone has always paid their dues to me.
Flutie- All right then, then why the fuck you bothering me, we got business to take care of!
And Flutie makes his way with Peak_Man and the 30 some odd security guards as DebtAngel growls…
LDA (To himself)- Oh Flutie, I wouldn’t worry about it, cause I’m sure you will be paying your dues tonight, oh yes you will.
And the Lord of Debtness turns and walks around the corner…
MS- Oh my, it seems that Flutie is just making loads of friends isn’t he Big Sexy?
BSS (Flipping through a magazine)- Damn it, what is so sexy about Hasselhoff? I mean so what, he’s got a Speedo on, and is surrounded by beautiful women all the time. But so what? I mean what does he…
MS- Big Sexy! Aren’t you paying attention to what’s going on?
BSS- Oh so what, Flutie and DebtAngel never have like each other! Now David Hasselhoff, now that’s a different story! I intend to make him pay for taking away my “Beep beep beeeep”!
MS (Rubbing his forehead)- Oh god Big Sexy, David Hasselhoff had nothing to do with that. He doesn’t have anything to do with it at all.
BSS- Well then why did he take away my title then.
MS- What title Big Sexy? What in gods green earth are you talking about?
BSS- He took my Innovator of Sexiness Sidious, and you know it! Hasselhoff must pay damn it, he took that and my “Beep beep beeeep” and he will pay, oh yes he will! (Pulls out some scissors and starts cutting the magazine)
MS- Big Sexy, he didn’t have anything to do with that, and the Innovator of Sexiness was given to him a year a…
BSS (Brandishing a pair of scissors)- Oh you have something to do with it too don’t you Sidious? You are taking up for him aren’t you, cause you think he is sexy, you want him as your new co-host don’t ya! (As he moves closer to Sidious)
MS (Nervously)- Umm, no, no, he isn’t sexier than you. You are the Innovator of Sexiness BS, oh yeah, he stole it, and Hasselhoff must pay! (Turns to the cameras and whispers) Well it seems Big Sexy is a little out of it folks, let’s go ahe…
Suddenly the lights inside the Death Match arena dim then shut completely off. As Big Sexy dives under the desk…
MS- Oh crap not again!
BSS (From under the desk)- Oh no, oh no, the amazing “Zero” is here! He’s here to claim my so…Hey! Who just grabbed my ass! Oh no the “Zero” is under here with me playing grab ass!
MS- It was my foot Big Sexy.
BSS- Oh, umm, can you do it again? I kinda liked it.
MS- Shhh, Big Sexy, there’s something going on?
BSS- What!?! What is it? Is it the “Zero”? Or is it his friend the galloping “Seven”?
The DeathMatch-O-Vision lights up with a message, three words spread across the screen…
Live
to Die
Then the creepy voice begins to speak over the sound system…
The past is the future, as the future will remember the past. What had started 3 weeks ago will end
tonight. What was set into motion 3
weeks ago will destroy you all! Behold
upon the past my friends, as it will be your futures end.
The lights then come back on as Sidious sits there pondering what was said…
MS- The past is the future? The future remembers the past? Futures end? What the hell does all this mean? What in the hell is going on? Big Sexy, any theories?
BSS (From under the desk)- The “Zero” it’s the “Zero”, we are all doomed Sidious! I told you we should have built that Temple, but…
MS- Oh yeah, why am I asking you, Chicken Little. Get the hell out from under the desk Big Sexy, nothing happened.
BSS- Oh no way, minute I get out from under here, he will grab me, and want to do weird things to me. Or worse, have David Hasselhoff have sex with me! Oh no, that’s what the “Zero” wants with me. (Starts praying) Oh amazing “Zero” please do not have David Hasselhoff have sex with me! Please Amazing “Zero” kill David Hasselhoff, he is a threat to you, he must be eliminated.
MS (Pulling at Big Sexy’s leg)- Damn it BS, get out from under there.
BSS- No way Sidious, not with him around out there!
MS- This is getting old. Don’t you think if this Amazing “Zero” wants you, that hiding under the desk wouldn’t matter? Don’t you think if he wants to kill you that hiding under a desk is going to protect you? (As he looks under the desk) Don’t you…Oh, now I see why you go under the desk.
Sidious looks at Big Sexy as he is holding on to a beautiful young blond under the desk…
MS- Hey isn’t that?
BSS- Shhhhh Sidious, if she finds out they may try to really take the “Beep beep beeeep”.
MS- Well get her out of here.
Big Sexy helps the girl through the trap door that leads under the announcing stand, as Sidious watched intently…
MS- I never knew we had that door there. So this is why you dive under the table everytime the Amazing “Zero” comes on…
BSS (A little red-faced)- Heh, heh, sorry Sidious, it’s umm, well…
MS- Yes, I now, you just wanted to do a little stuffin’of the Muffin.
BSS- Heh, heh yeah, you know, Big Sexy likes to * Bangs his hips back and forth *
Suddenly the monitor jumps to life as the snotty lady returns…
Snotty Lady- You animal, you pig, you disgraceful tramp of a man! You dare to touch my daughter! If castrating weren’t a crime, I would have your testicles hanging on my wall right now!
Big Sexy (Smiling)- Heh, heh sorry lady, she came up here, you know, I can’t stop them from coming at m…
Snotty Lady- Oh no, you did make her go up there, and I intend to make your life a living hell, Mr. Fancy Pants!
Big Sexy (To Sidious)- Umm a little help here Sidious?
MS (To Big Sexy)- It’s your world BS, I’m just a squirrel living in it, trying to get that nut! Ha, ha, ha!
Big Sexy- Oh come on lady, I can’t help it that I’m sexy.
Snotty Lady- Oh no, you don’t get it, David Hasselhoff is sexy, you sir are a slut, and I intend on putting a ban on you and your womanizing ways!
BSS- Slut? Hasselhoff sexier than me!?! Womanizer? (To Sidious)- Oh come on Sidious, help me out, she wants my nuts in a jar over here. (As he motions to his crotch in a “V” shape.)
MS (To Big Sexy)- Okay, I’ll see if I can help ya out. (To the Lady) Come on lady, aren’t you being to hard on BS here, I mean sure he gets a lot of girls, but they all come to him.
Snotty Lady (To Sidious)- Oh and you Mr. Violent man, do you want a piece of me and the P.A.V.E too?!?
MS (Slapping Big Sexy on the shoulder)- Well, tried to help BS.
BSS (To Sidious)- Thanks a lot Sidious.
Snotty Lady- As of this moment, you are no longer Sexy, I’m revoking that from you!
BSS- You can’t take my Sexy, it’s written in my contr…
Snotty Lady- Oh yes I can, my dear Big Stefan, so just get used to it!
The lady disappears off the screen leaving Master Sidious and Big Stefan sitting there…
Big Stefan- My god, she is taking a piece of me at a time Sidious, this isn’t right, what did I do?
MS- Well in a word….Muffin.
BS- That’s a pretty good word. What am I going to do? Now I lost the “Beep beep beeep” and now she took away my Sexy. I’m losing everything I am again. Damn this is worse than when Peter (AKA Fake Sid6.9) took away everything. At least he did it all at once, she’s stripping me, and it’s not the good kind of stripping either Sidious.
MS- I know, well look on the bright side. I at least can still call you BS.
BS (Shaking his head in his hands)- Oh that’s just great Sidious, everything’s just rosy posies for you. Meanwhile I have the “Black Widow” stealing my identity and calling David Hasselhoff sexy! Damn you David Hasselhoff, damn you to hell! * As he shakes his fist to the sky *
MS- I’m sorry BS, I know this is hard for you, let’s take a look at the other fighters tonight. I know that doing analysis always brings you back up.
BS- No, not this time, I’m just too depressed.
MS- Well just remember, you did get a little Muffin just a little bit ago, remember you got the better of her that time.
BS (Brightens up)- Oh yeah baby, did a little muffin dive there, oh yeah baby, yeah.
MS- That’s the spirit Big Stefan, now let’s look at the next fighters.
BS- Okay MS, well the opponents for the team of AxeCrush and Jerock are two fighters that we saw last week on the show. And believe me, they almost got it on with each other, much less going to tag-team this week. It will be certainly interesting to say the least. Well these two fighters do have some talent though. Osiris is a great competitor, but he does have problems in the long run with matches. I would assume that he will be the one that goes the hardest in the beginning. Meanwhile his partner, Mister EZ, is a on-sung fighter. We didn’t know it ‘til this week, but he has shown moves that people like Disgruntled Gamer, Rotten 168, the original Peak_Man, and Y2T. What do most of these competitors have in common, they are all dead, well excluding Y2T of course. But being the man of Innovating holds and moves gives him that much added surprise to the match. Mister EZ also though needs to try to avoid trying to come up with new things while fighting as he is known to do. Cause if the move backfires, he could be the one to die. Mister EZ and Osiris gave us the name of their tag-team finisher, as it will be known as “Dead Man’s Corner”. A move that will no doubt blow our socks off.
MS- Wow, you did your homework on them BS, well let’s get to Mother Love who is with Osiris and Mister EZ.
Mother Love stands in the room with Osiris and Mister EZ standing by her.
ML- Well guys, your competitors seem to be pretty confident tonight against you. Any thoughts on that?
Osiris- Well I would expect my competitors to be confident, I mean I don’t like easy matches, they are just way too boring.
Mister EZ- I don’t share that opinion with my partner here, they aren’t really looking all that good in my opinion, and after all it’s the Death Match. I want to walk out of there alive, so the easier the match, the better.
ML- Word has it you guys aren’t as cohesive as they are. It’s been said that with last weeks action between you two that you can’t work as a team. How do you feel about that?
Mister EZ- I feel the critics better be looking for a new job next week. Osiris has been fabulous to work with, he does everything I have been telling him. He will do just fine out there with the tutoring I’ve been giving him and we will be a strong team out there tonight.
Osiris just stares at EZ in amazement…
ML- Osiris, it doesn’t appear you share that opinion.
Osiris- No comment
As Osiris walks away shaking his head at EZ who follows him going “What?”
ML- Well it seems this team is a little rocky, well back to you guys.
MS- Wow, it certainly seems that Mister EZ is confident in the team, but Osiris looks a little weary I’d say. Big Stefan, your thoughts?
BS- I’d agree with that all Sidious. The problems they had last week appears to be leading into this week. The need to work together if they want to win. I think from looking at that, Osiris may do his own thing, well maybe not, but it appears that way.
MS- Excellent observations there BS, I wonder if they will be…. * Puts his finger up to his ear * Oh my, oh no, umm, uh-oh Big Stefan won’t like this.
BS- What, what Sidious, what uh-oh, what won’t I like!
MS (Turns to Big Stefan)- Umm, BS, why don’t you jump under the table.
BS- Why is it the Amazing “Zero”? Is he coming f…
Suddenly though on the DeathMatch-O-Vision a face appears as Big Stefan looks and shrieks in terror…
MS- (To the cameras)- Well it seems that, that snotty lady from P.A.V.E is serious on making Big Stefan suffer folks, cause for the remainder of the show, we have to look at a picture of David Hasselhoff on the DeathMatch-O-Vision. (To Big Stefan) Umm BS, you okay * While shaking his shoulder * Big Stefan? Dude you all right?
Big Stefan just sits there staring at the screen with his mouth open blinking in irregular intervals. His mouth begins to move, but words don’t come out, more like whimpers. He looks over at Sidious and mouths “Why” over and over again. Sidious just shakes his head and shrugs. Then in a sudden moment Big Stefan looks around stands and slams his fist down on the table…
Big Stefan (Enraged)- Damn it! They take my “Beep beep beeep”, they take my Sexy! She calls me a slut, pervert, and womanizer! She steals my gimmick to get the ladies! She threatens me with putting Chuck and Harry on her wall! But this, this, this is the top of it all! She subjects my ladies to that! * Pointing at the DeathMatch-O-Vision pic of David Hasselhoff * Well I can’t take it anymore * Grabbing Sidious by the shirt * I can’t take it anymore Sidious! Something must be done! Look the ladies, they are sitting, and they aren’t cheering for me Sidious! I can’t take it, I need to be with the ladies, I need their screams! (While squeezing Sidious closer to him)
MS (Apprehensively)- Let me go Stefan. You’re hurting me.
BS- Yes, yes, hurt, that’s what I feel, the hurt of the ladies to be subjected to this! * Shakes his fist in the sky * Damn you Hasselhoff, damn you to hell!
And Big Stefan lets go of Sidious and charges up the ramp and into the back, as Sidious watches him leave…
MS- Oh my, I think Big Stefan has finally snapped folks. It was just a matter of time I guess. I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid. (Picks up a radio nearby) All security if you see Big Stefan, try to detain him, but be wary, he isn’t himself and may try to hump you or something.
Sidious sits there for a few moments talking to security who tell Sidious that they can’t find him…
MS- Oh dear folks, we seem to be having the weirdest night. It seems Big Stefan is loose in the building and if I know him, he’s probably hornier than hell. * Puts his hand to his ear * Okay, well we are going to go to the back for an exclusive interview with SubLevel-27 who will be our special referee for tonight’s match-up. Mother Love go ahead.
Mother Love- Thanks Sidious, and if the big one is horny he can certainly come to the Mother Lover, I’ve got what ails him! (Turns to SL-27) Well SubLevel it seems you have got one fight to deal with tonight. Any thoughts on the competitors?
SL-27 (While filing his fingernails)- Heh, heh, I try not to think about lame competitors. Ya see, Y2T knows excitement. And when he put this match together he knew the fight itself was lame, so what did he do? He got the most exciting Death Match Competitor to ever grace the ring. Ya see, I won’t let these pansy asses tonight just skate by, they will have to push the envelope at all times. If they act like sissies out there tonight, you may just see the man formerly known as “The Keeper of the Seven Keys” take the fight to them personally!
ML- You mean you aren’t known as “The Keeper of the Seven Keys” anymore?
SL-27- Nope, now I’m known as “Veteran of the Psychic Wars”.
ML- Oh, well, that’s nice. Well back to you guys.
The cameras switch back to see Master Sidious sitting with The Ref Shockwave…
MS- Wow, well some strong words there from the Leveler. Well fight fans you can see that Shockwave has come and joined me here at the announcing table a little early due to Big Stefan taking, an, well, umm early exit. Welcome up here Shockwave, I understand this is the first time we ever had you up in the commentating booth.
Shockwave- Well thank you Sidious, and yes, it is the first time I have had the pleasure of your company. It is disturbing to me though how I just get pulled from my regular duties like Tridus did to me, but still I guess it is refreshing.
MS- It is refreshing, especially since you are always right in the thick of things week in and week out, it is nice to have someone that can give some great commentary.
SW- You mean Big Beep Stefan didn’t?
MS- Heh, heh well, he was different to say the least. Hey, how do you see the fight tonight? I would like to hear your opinion of the fighters.
SW- Certainly Sidious, well, the fighters tonight are going into that ring for one outstanding bout that I’m sure will leave us breathless.
MS- Is that it?
SW- Pretty much, oh and AxeCrush is pretty big.
MS- Well yes he is big. But what about the match-up, who has the advantage in there tonight.
SW- Umm, well, uhhh, let’s see, I’d have to say the one team definently has the advantage over the other.
MS- Okkkkaaayyyyyy, well I think, yes, the fighters are about ready to make their way out let’s s…
Suddenly a voice comes over the loud speakers…
Voice- So they don’t want me to be Sexy, so they don’t want me to titillate you! David Hasselhoff has nothing on me baby, yeah! Hit my music Charlie!
MS- Oh no, that’s Big Stefan’s voice. He isn’t going to ruin his career is he?
SW- I don’t know, but if I know him, it will be sexy.
The music of Method of Mayhems “Get Naked” begins to play as all the fans stop and stare…
MS- Oh my, umm, that’s umm, well.
SW- He’s got nothing on!
And Big Stefan walks out strutting around in his birthday suit with a mask on his face, and a puppet on his, well, thingy. All the female fans go absolutely bonkers with wave after wave of “LOVE MACHINE” chants begin to echo within the stadium…
Big Stefan- Oh yeah baby, it’s Captain Booty Daddy! Behold me! Love me! Have sex with me! * The fans cheer wildly * You hear that Hasselhoff, they love me! They don’t want you, they want me Hasselhoff!
MS- Oh god no BS, what on earth are you doing?
SW- I don’t know, but what the hell is that on his…
BS (Holding on to his crotch)- Say hello fight fans to my sock monster Pepe! (To his, well thingy) Say hello to the nice people Pepe. Come on speak up. (As he holds the mic down by his * Ahem *)
MS (Holding his head)- Oh my BS, what, oh no * Starts shaking his head as Captain Booty Daddy gets down to the music *
SW- What the hell is that on his head though?
Meanwhile in the back…
AxeCrush- What the hell are you doing Jerock?
Jerock (Grabbing at his crotch)- Damn it, my balls are riding up on me here AxeCrush. This spandex suit hurts them.
AxeCrush- Well where in the hell is your Jock Strap?
Back at the announcers booth…
SW- Oh, okay that’s what it is, nevermind.
Meanwhile the P.A.V.E security team with the Snotty Lady come walking out grabbing onto Big Stefan and start pulling him to the back, as Captain Booty Daddy shouts to “Free my Pepe, Free my Pepe, Free my Pepe” and the fans boo as they drag him away…
MS- Well, I guess Big Stefan won’t be back anytime soon.
SW- Well it was certainly interesting.
MS- Okay well I hear that the competitors are really coming out now. I just can’t believe BS would do that.
SW- Hey when you been pushed as much as he has tonight, I can’t really blame him from snapping like that.
MS- Okay I suppose, but still, BS’s career is on the line, and I don’t want to see him go out like this.
SW- Me either.
MS- Okay well let’s continue the show, here comes team of AxeCrush and Jerock.
AxeCrush and Jerock make their way out to the music of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.
SW- Hey, Pink Floyd, now that brings back some memories.
MS- Back when you were in Berkely I bet.
SW- No, when I was in the john an hour ago.
MS (Looking perplexed)- Oh, I see.
SW- And here comes out illustrious special ref for tonight.
MS- Heh, heh yep, and he still looks as cocky as ever.
SW- I just can’t believe this will be the first time I’m not in the ring.
MS- Don’t worry Shockwave, I’m sure you will be back in there next week.
SW- Yeah I guess but I miss my shoes.
MS- Your shoes?
SW- Yeah my shoes, my referee shoes.
MS (Chuckles to himself)- Heh, heh, you could have worn them.
SW- No, I’m pretty particular about my shoes. * Sigh *
MS- * Putting his hand to his ear * Oh my, it seems that Big Stefan is in the back with Y2T and the members of P.A.V.E. Let’s get back there real quick.
The cameras switch to the back to find Big Stefan surrounded by 12 armed P.A.V.E security along with the Snotty Lady and Y2T with MysteryMan…
Snotty Lady- Go ahead I’m listening.
Y2T- Okay well it’s like I said, we need to be able to show the fight, and with the constraints you put on us, we can’t do that.
Snotty Lady- So what do we get if I let you?
Y2T- You can keep Big Sexy there * Motioning to Big Stefan *
BS- What the? Y2T how can you?
Snotty Lady- Oh marvelous, deal then, I get to keep him, and you get what you want.
Y2T- Wonderful, have fun Rich.
BS (Whimpering as they haul him into the Snotty Ladies dressing room)- Whaa… You can’t do this Tridus, she is going to steal my Pepe! She is going to take Captain Booties Pepe!
Y2T (To BS as he grabs onto the door way)- Take care BS, you will be all right, I’m sure, just remember to use the G-Force.
Big Stefan looks at him for a second and smiles at him as they pull him into the room…
Y2T starts to walk as MysteryMan walks with him…
MysteryMan- Umm Tridus.
Y2T- Mmm-Hmm.
MysteryMan- Are you sure giving her Big Sexy Stefan was a good move? I mean, sure he is pardon the pun, cocky, but still, he is a great edition to the Death Matches.
Y2T- Oh Big Sexy will be all right.
MysteryMan- Tridus, what the hell, she is going to castrate him!
Y2T (Turns and faces MysteryMan)- * Sigh * You have come so far, yet you still don’t understand a lot of things do you.
MysteryMan (Shrugs)- Explain it to me then.
Y2T- Think about it Grasshopper. Big Sexy is in that room alone with whom?
MysteryMan- That snotty lady that leads the P.A.V.E.
Y2T- And what is she?
MysteryMan- Umm, a women?
Y2T- Exactly! There ya go then, Big Sexy is in a room ALONE with a woman.
MysteryMan (Looks at Tridus and thinks hard)- Sooooo what does that mean?
Y2T just waves his hand at him and grunts, turns and walks to the production truck to give them their instructions…
The cameras switch back to Master Sidious and Shockwave, while Osiris and Mister EZ make their way to the ring to the music of Creed’s “What If”…
MS- Wow! Well it seems that Y2T has gotten us back the right to broadcast the show, but at what cost? He gave up Big Stefan to that snotty lady!
SW- Yeah so what, now all the fight fans get to see the fight.
MS- Yeah true. Oh well, I guess that now we can see the fight, everything will be all right. Ehh, Big Stefan can handle himself. Okay well Osiris and Mister EZ have made their way into the ring and it appears that we are ready for this fight to get under way. There’s the Announcer for the in-ring announcements.
Announcer Dude enters the ring and takes the mic…
Announcer Dude- Ladies and gentleman welcome to the fabulous DebtAngel Auditorium! * The fans cheer at this * Weird Ass Sports in cooperation with Tridus Inc. and Old Milwaukee Beer, the beer with bite. Cause if it isn’t biting, then it isn’t beer! * The fans through a many Old Milwaukee Beer cans at AD * Tonight’s bout is a feature attraction match with a special referee in SubLevel Twenty-Sevennnnnnnnnn! * The fans chant “Leveler, Leveler, Leveler” as he just stands their stone faced. All right fight fans, are you ready? * The fans mildly cheer * I said Are You Reeeeaaaaaddddyyyyy? * The fans cheer louder * Then Let’s Get Ready To Rummmmmbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllle! * The fans go absolutely bonkers * Okay fight fans this is a tag-team all in the ring battle royal tonight. All 4 participants are allowed in the ring at all times, and thus can be attacked at any time or attack. Our first participants are men on a mission, a mission to destroy everyone! They are the team of AxeCrush and Jerock! * AxeCrush and Jerock hold up their arms as the fans boo them * And their competitors are the team of devastation, devastation for their foes tonight. They are of course the team of Osiris and Mister EZ! * The fans mildly cheer as they hold up their arms to the fans *
MS- Okay well it seems that SL-27 is ready to give his pre-fight instructions, let’s listen in.
SW- I bet he won’t say “Let’s get it on”.
SL-27 walks out and motions for the fighters to approach…
SL-27- Okay listen up you losers. The only real winner in this ring is me understand, as long as we don’t have a problem with that, then we won’t have any problems…
Jerock- Heh, heh, you don’t rule, AxeCrush rules, yeah, yeah, go AxeCrush!
Osiris- Shut yer trap you friggin little punk! No one even cares what you think!
SL-27- Exactly, now shut the hell up you little turd. All right, this match sucked before Y2T got me here, so now it doesn’t suck. But you guys better tear it up, or I’ll kick the crap outta all of ya. I don’t care what ya all do, as long as it isn’t boring, understand!
And with that AxeCrush reaches into his tights pulling out a steel pipe and cracking Mister EZ right over the head with it…
SL-27 (Backing away and approving of the move)- Now that’s what I’m talking about!
SW- Oh what the hell, that was illegal, I would have never allowed that.
MS- Yeah but it was sure an interesting way to start the match. I think that is why Y2T has him doing the ref duties tonight. He knows SL-27 won’t give a damn at what they do, as long as it isn’t boring.
SW- Yeah well, that isn’t what the Death Match is all about.
MS- I agree Wave, but still it makes it interesting…
Meanwhile in the ring Mister EZ and Osiris try to back off as AxeCrush and Jerock get the early advantage on them with clubbing forearms to Osiris from Jerock and that pipe-wielding AxeCrush to Mister EZ. AxeCrush knocks Mister EZ against the ropes and with the steel pipe proceeds to whack him among the head and shoulders. Osiris though on the other side of the ring with Jerock, suddenly reaches out grabbing one of his forearms as it comes in, reaches down between Jerock’s legs and tosses him out over his shoulders and of the ring to the concrete below…
MS- Oh my, AxeCrush has Mister EZ trapped in the corner, but Osiris just dumped Jerock outside of the ring.
SW- Yeah but AxeCrush is still using that illegal weapon, and what the hell is SubLevel doing?
MS (Looking at SL-27 as he is outside of the ring)- Looks like he found himself a fan to chat with. (As SL-27 chats with a Brunette outside the ring, totally oblivious to what’s going on in the ring.)
Meanwhile Osiris comes up from behind AxeCrush and as he is lifting up the steel pipe again, Osiris grabs the steel pipe and slams it down onto AxeCrush’s shoulder. AxeCrush though reacts by swinging around an elbow catching Osiris in the mouth sending him scattering back to the mat. AxeCrush approaches Osiris and grabs him up from the mat by his throat, lifts him high above his head and proceeds to repeatedly lift him up and down as the fans go crazy…
MS- Wow, what an amazing feat of strength. He is pressing Osiris above his head.
SW- Yeah but he should watch out who is coming up from behind!
AxeCrush while playing to the fans does not see the approaching Mister EZ who reaches up grabbing Osiris’s foot and with a smooth movement pulls Osiris out of AxeCrush hands and spins him around to face Mister EZ. Osiris hits the mat as Mister EZ sweeps a foot behind AxeCrush, and moves close to him grabbing his furthest arm and pulls it behind his body. With a quick and smooth movement EZ twists and slams AxeCrush face down into the mat…
MS- “The Landing”, “The Landing” my god he hit that most beautiful move!
SW (As Sidious presses on his ear)- Well that was certainly a sweet move from Mister EZ. But look out cause Jerock is getting back into the ring!
MS (Waves at the camera)- No wait, there’s something going on back in that Snotty Ladies locker room, I’m sorry fight fans but we need to break off this great action to see if Big Stefan is all right….(Pressing his finger to his ear) There will only be audio though folks…
The cameras switch to the back as we look at the locker room door, but hear what’s going on inside it…
Snotty Lady- Ahh yes, sharp as a razor! Time for a little public service there Mr. Stefan.
BS- * Gulp * (Editors note: Yes you did hear the * Gulp *)
Snotty Lady- All right, hey, take off that damn sock puppet, I’ve got to take care of that thing of yours.
BS- Well I would, but you have my hands tied up here. You will have to do it.
Snotty Lady- Very Well……..Oh my, it’s………..Oh my god you really have a, umm, well oh my!
BS- Yes it’s Pepe!
Snotty Lady- It’s amazing, I never thought it was, well, that BIG! I only thought you got that name cause of your muscles.
BS- Oh yeah baby, I did, the love muscle.
Snotty Lady- I see, well, umm, I guess I should snipe it off now……Oh my god! What did it just do?!?
BS- He’s doing tricks! I think he likes you. Come on Pepe, roll over!
Snotty Lady- Woooooo!
BS- Okay, sit up, come on sit up, ahhh that’s a good Pepe!
Snotty Lady- Woooooo! Woooooo!
BS- Okay shake the nice ladies hand.
Snotty Lady- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! Oh my GOD it’s so mesmerizing.
BS- Yep that’s what they all say…
Camera cuts back to Sidious and Shockwave…
Sidious- It seems Big Stefan is turning on the Snotty Lady.
Shockwave- I’ll allow it!
Meanwhile in the ring, Jerock was able to get back in the ring, but Osiris meets him as he enters with a flying forearm to his head sending the both of them over the top rope down by Sub-Level27. Meanwhile in the ring Mister EZ lifts AxeCrush to his feet and whips him towards the corner turnbuckle and soon runs right behind him. As AxeCrush reaches the turnbuckle he reaches out pushing and lifting himself so his body flies up in the air as Mister EZ runs right underneath him and strikes the turnbuckle. AxeCrush wraps his arms around his waist, lifts him up and comes down on the mat with Mister EZ striking his head and neck to the mat.
Meanwhile on the outside, Osiris and Jerock are slugging it out. But soon Jerock gets the upper advantage as Osiris gets a little winded. SubLevel-27 sensing the action getting boring...
SL-27 (Handing Jerock a steel chair)- Here son use this on him.
Jerock- Thanks dude, but AxeCrush still rules, yeah, yeah go AxeCrush!
And he swings the chair sending Osiris over the steel barrier and into the fans…
MS- Oh man what action, both out here and back in the back! Osiris just got his clock cleaned with that chair that SL-27 gave him. Can you believe that Wave?
SW- No I can’t, as a referee you are not supposed to get involved like this Sidious, I don’t like what he is doing.
Meanwhile in the ring, AxeCrush is using the ropes to strangle Mister EZ. But with a well placed heel to his foot forces AxeCrush to break the hold, and hold his broken foot. Outside the ring, Osiris is being forced up the stands as Jerock repeatedly hits him with the chair, then grabs the mic that SubLevel is carrying with him and asks Osiris if he quits…
Jerock- You quit, you quit don’t you, cause AxeCrush rules yeah, he rules, and you quit cause he rules don’t you?
Osiris (Wheezing)- * Wheeze * It’s not * Wheeze * an I quit match * Wheeze * You dumb fucking dweeb.
And Osiris kicks the chair up into Jerock’s face sending him back into the fans…
Osiris- * Wheeze * Damn, I need to * Wheeze * quit smoking.
Back in the ring, Mister EZ smacks AxeCrush upside the head as he is hobblng around on his broken foot. AxeCrush throws a mean right back but misses as he has no footing. Mister EZ stomps on his other foot making AxeCrush scream out in pain…
SW- Wow, I thought those chair shoots from Jerock, were going to scramble Osiris’s brains.
MS- Yeah well, I see that AxeCrush’s feet are definently scrambled! * Puts his finger to his ear * Folks we are going to head to the back again for an update on Big Stefan and that leader from P.A.V.E…
The camera goes to the back…
(Smack, Smack)
Snotty Lady- Yes, oh god yes!
(Smack, Smack)
Snotty Lady- Oh got Ride me you Big Stallion!
(Smack, Smack)
Snotty Lady- Oh yes, spank me, spank me, I’ve been a naughty girl!
Big Stefan- Oh yeah, whose your Daddy?
Snotty Lady- You are! You are!
Big Stefan- What’s my name?
Snotty Lady- Oh god, oh god, oh god!
Big Stefan- No, the other name?
Snotty Lady- Big Sexy Stefan! The Human Love Machine! Now ride me hard and put me away wet you Big Sexy Booty Daddy!
Big Sexy Stefan “The Human Love Machine”- Oh yeah, she knows whose her Daddy is now! * Smack, Smack *
The cameras switch back to Sidious and Shockwave as the look at one another in amazement...
Shockwave (Looking at Sidious)-…
Master Sidious (Looking at Shockwave)-…
Both Together (As the look at the camera with smiles on their faces)- We’ll allow it!
Meanwhile in the arena, Osiris has the advantage on the top of the ramp as he rams Jerock’s head into the DeathMatch-O-Vision. Jerock lands on his back as Osiris begins to climb the enormous T.V screen…
In the ring AxeCrush and Mister EZ are going toe to toe with punches back and forth, then suddenly AxeCrush ducks one of EZ’s punches and grabs him up in a full-nelson, lifts Mister EZ high in the air and slams him hard down to the mat…
MS- Oh man, “Crushers Hand-job” he hit that move! I never thought that he could get that on the EZ man, but he did!
SW- Yeah but what the hell is up with SubLevel-27? This isn’t an anywhere fight match? Why is he letting them fight up over by the DeathMatch-O-Vision? I wouldn’t allow that.
MS- It’s okay Wave, he is in charge, so that’s what Y2T probably wants.
Meanwhile Jerock being on the steel below as Osiris reaches the top. He motions to the crowd as he lights up a smoke. The crowd cheers for him to jump as he waves to the fans for their approval. Osiris, finally meets the fans demands as he leaps off the top of the DM-O-Vision and with some 30 feet up comes straight down at Jerock and SL-27 as he stands nearby…
MS- Oh my god what the hell! Why did SubLevel-27 do that, what the hell!
SW- I told you this guy is no Referee, I can’t believe Y2T allowed this guy here.
And what happened, well as Osiris came down, SubLevel-27 reaches and grabs Jerock’s foot and yanks him out of the way of Osiris as he comes down meeting the metal head-on with no Jerock to break his fall. Only Metal.
MS- Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! That Damn SL-27! What the hell!
SW- Oh I see what this is all about, look.
And they look as Jerock hands over a huge wad of 100-dollar bills to SubLevel-27 as he pockets it. Jerock heads back to the ring, as AxeCrush is attempting to end Mister EZ’s life by sitting him up and with AxeCrush’s huge hands begins to squeeze his head…
MS- Oh man, this fight is over, look at that, AxeCrush has Mister EZ E in his famed “Axe Man Cometh” it’s all academic now!
SW- Nope it’s not, look at that!
And in the ring as AxeCrush was Applying pressure to Mister EZ’s head, his head comes down as he applies more pressure. Mister EZ in an act of desperation reaches his hand up grabbing a fist full of hair and pulling his head down. Mister EZ swings his feet up and grabs AxeCrush’s head and in a swift movement pulls AxeCrush over forcing his head into the mat.
MS- Wow, he actually got out of it! I don’t believe it!
SW- Well it might be short lived, cause here comes Jerock!
Jerock enters the ring and kicks at Mister EZ. He throws a mean right to Mister EZ’s head, but EZ starts to shake his head…Jerock hits him in the head again as Mister EZ continues to shake his fists and hands and gets on his knees…Jerock hits him again, as Mister EZ continues to shake and rise to his feet and start to walk away from Jerock. He follows punching him repeatedly when suddenly Mister EZ rears up and points at Jerock. Jerock with fear in his eyes just stares at him in disbelief… * Throughout the whole thing the fans go absolutely bonkers all the way up to where EZ points at Jerock *
MS- My god Mister EZ was hulking up, he was hulking up. (Shouting into the audience) Now Jerock! What ya gonna do when Mister EZ runs wild on you!
AxeCrush on the other side of the ring begins to stand as Mister EZ gives Jerock a kick to the family jewels. He swings Jerock off the ropes and at the slightly dizzy AxeCrush, and runs right behind him. As Jerock is meeting AxeCrush he tries to jump and avoid his partner. SubLevel shouts…
SL-27- Look out AxeCrush that’s Mister EZ!
But with AxeCrush being dizzy he catches Jerock, thinking it’s Mister EZ, and leans forward with him. Mister EZ jumps as well just as Jerock reaches the height that AxeCrush puts him at, grabs a hold of Jerock’s neck as he passes and with a smooth movement goes over the top rope forcing Jerock’s neck over the rope and snapping his neck back…
MS- OH man, that was beautiful! Mister EZ used Jerock’s own partner for a new move! Can you believe that move Shockwave!?!
SW- I’ll allow it!
Meanwhile SubLevel-27 is greeted by AxeCrush grabbing him up by his collar as he notices that he helped killed Jerock…
AxeCrush- Okay, this wasn’t supposed to happen you War][c][r][aft War][c][r][afting War][c][r][after! We paid you good money to let us win.
SubLevel-27 (Staring him dead in the eye)- Yeah, well Mister EZ paid me more to let him win.
And with that AxeCrush’s eyes go wide, as he is meet from behind by a foot to his groin. AxeCrush drops SL-27 to the floor as Mister EZ greets his nut-sac with another kick. AxeCrush let’s out a big groan as he goes to his knees. Mister EZ places his legs around his head and with a efficient movement, jumps up and back with his legs around AxeCrushers neck snapping it….
MS- Oh man that’s the move, that’s the move! “EZ come, EZ go!” He hit it, and now this fight is over! Oh man that was an awesome move!
SW- Yeah but what the hell, SubLevel-27 is as crooked as a damn
politician! I mean he had his hand out
that entire match! This fight was a
disgrace, Mills Lane is rolling over in his grave right now! This was worse than when Mike Tyson bit
Evander Holyfields ears!
MS- Heh, heh, I don’t know Shockwave, but with all this action tonight,
certainly made it memorable. And I
don’t think that Mills is dead yet is he?
SW- No, no he isn’t, but still this fight I will give a…I don’t allow
it!
MS- Well that is your right Shockwave, and I’m sure you will be in
there next week, and everything will be all right. Speaking of all right, I
wonder how Big Sexy is fairing back there with that Snotty Lady?
SW- Well hearing her scream “Ride me you Stallion” has anything to do
with it, I’m sure he’s just fine.
MS- Heh, heh you are right Shockwave, well then for Big Sexy Stefan, I
am of course Master Sidious…
SW- And I am the Ref Shockwave saying…
Both Together- Good Fight, Good N…
Just then there is an explosion as “VooDoo Child” begins to blare over
the house speakers, as Flutie and Peak_Man make their way out to the ring…
MS- Oh-uh, this doesn’t look good Shockwave, I guess from the look on
Flutie’s face that it’s a good thing you aren’t in the ring tonight.
SW- I agree there Sidious, and I think both SubLevel and Mister EZ
agree to as they are getting out too.
MS- Well fight fans, it appears that we have an unscheduled segment
here…
But Sidious gets interrupted as Flutie gets a hold of a mic…
Flutie (Grabbing a mic as he gets into the ring)- All right damn
it! This show is not fucking over! For the last 3 weeks we have been seeing
these damn messages about how we are all doomed and what not. Well, 2 weeks ago Deathwish DDW was killed,
then British got murdered! Now that I
find out that Tridus had nothing to do with it, I want my payback! I want this scared little freak to come the
hell out here and meet and greet with me.
Come on, I know you can hear me, come on, I’m right here, come an…
Suddenly, the power starts flickering in the Death Match Arena. The
lights go dim, then seem to struggle to go back to normal, but fail. Darkness
engulfs the arena as some fans scream. Their screaming is interrupted by the
even louder noise of a pulsating heartbeat, as a large, white "0"
appears on the DeathMatch-o-Vision. The fans quickly become quiet until all
that is left is the pulsating, which seems to be getting louder and louder, as
some fans begin to cover their ears and look at each other in confusion.
MS- Ahh damn it, not this crap again, what is it with this guy!
Then again another pulsating "0" appears on the
DeathMatch-o-Vision. The pulsating gets louder, and louder, and louder - then suddenly
stops. Once again, an eerie silence and darkness has filled the arena.
MS- Yeah, yeah we know you have zeroes! Damn it, I wish this crap would just stop.
Some fans have begun to make their way to the exits, slowly tiptoeing,
while they have the chance. Everyone freezes, though, when a pulsating
"7" appears on the screen, even louder than the last two zeros that
have appeared on the screen, if that's at all possible. A quiet voice can be
heard over the monitors.
MS (Eyes go wide suddenly)- My God! I've finally figured it out! Its--
A loud, booming and distorted voice interrupts Master Sidious, and
carries over the entire PA system.
Voice- Welcome to...endgame. Beaten, but never defeated. Survival of
the fittest has now commenced. The mood...is...changing. You will not survive
the path of rage.
Suddenly, a spotlight shines on the stage. Quietly, a man walks out
wearing a white lab coat with a doctor's mask. The fans look a little confused.
MS- Wait a second! That doctor looks familiar...
SW- Yes! It's Doctor Who! And I
thought the show was only in syndication, he’s here, he’s here with us!
MS (Looking at Shockwave quizzically)- Doctor Who? I don’t know what you are smoking Wave, but
I want some. No, I know who that is.
SW- Who is it then?
But before Sidious can answer he is interrupted when the doctor begins
to speak. His voice sounds almost exactly the same to the voice that was
speaking over the PA system the past few weeks.
Doctor (To Flutie as he stands in the ring)- Flutie! You wanted him, well now you get him. For the one that controls your destiny is
here! The one that wants to hear you
screams is here. Finally Death has
returned to the Death Matches! Finally, the Great One has come BACK to the
Death Matches!
MS- The Great One! What?!? What in the hell, that means it’s…
The lights go up as the chorus from Kid Rock's "Bawitdaba"
plays over the PA system. The doctor removes his garb to reveal a man with
baggy black jeans, a black leather jacket, slicked black hair and dark shades.
In other words, Styx! Styx looks towards the entrance as another familiar
figure walks out, causing the fans to literally go insane, as quite a few of
their heads are actually exploding from the sheer excitement, and from cheering
so loud.
The man who walks out lifts his eyebrow as he looks back and forth over
the audience. He is wearing black dress pants with a fancy shirt and dark
sunglasses. He slowly raises the microphone to his mouth, as the fans chant
"Edge! Edge! Edge!" and "Double oh seven! Double oh seven!"
repeatedly. When the fans calm down a little bit, he begins to speak, with the
fans repeating what they know and cheering at the end of every sentence.
SM_007- Finally, Edge has come BACK to the Friday Night War Room Death
Matches! For those who don't know who the Great One is, Edge would like to
introduce himself. Edge, better known as SM_007, has lain the smacketh downeth
on roody poo after roody poo, candyass after candyass! And this, has solidified
the Great One as the people's champion, the people's choice, and most
importantly, THE MOST electrifying man in forum entertainment today! And if you
still have an itch to know more about the Great One, well, you go ahead and
scratch it, and listen to his millions...and millions of fans, as they chant
his name!
SM_007 lowers the mic as the fans chant, then brings it back up after
they have died down again. He slowly starts walking down the isle towards the
ring as he speaks, followed closely by Styx.
SM_007- Not only is the Great One still alive after the explosion meant
to destroy the people's champion, but the Great One, Edge, SM_007, came
BACK...when he knew the time was right. And looking in the ring right now, what
does the Great One see? Jabronie after jabronie after jabronie! On one hand,
you have that big dumb retard known as Peak_Man. On the other, you have that
drunken hick, Flutie. Which candyass should the Great One check into the
Smackdown Hotel first? You, Flutie?
Flutie takes a mic inside the ring.
Flutie- Hey, I'll--
SM_007- It doesn't MATTER which candyass the Great One checks into the
Smackdown Hotel first! In fact, Edge says this: Edge is gonna take the entire
Peak_Man. He's gonna take that big, fat sumbitch, and he's gonna turn that
whole fat bastard sideways, and he's gonna stick him...where? Straight up your
candyass! The Great One's fixin' to lay the smack down on both these jabronies'
candyasses, if ya SMELLLLLL...
Before he finishes his catchphrase, SM_007 slides into the ring and
locks up with Flutie as Peak_Man lumbers over to clobber SM_007. However, Styx
slides in the ring and grabs Flutie, holding him back..
MS- Oh my God! An impromptu main event! SM_007 and Flutie, with Styx
and Peak_Man in the corners of their respective teammates! Shockwave get down there quick!
Shockwave- But I don’t have my ref shoes on!
MS- Fuck the shoes, just get down there, this is a monumental
match! SM_007 is not dead folks! He is back, and looking better than
ever. Hurry up Shockwave get down
there.
Shockwave jumps from the desk and sprints down to the ring. Then,
suddenly, SM_007 lets go of the hold, and embraces Flutie in a hug, as Styx
does the same with the colossal Peak_Man. The fans, which were rabid, go into a
dead silence of shock. Shockwave, who was about to jump in the ring, just
stands in the isle, dumbfounded.
MS- What the hell? What the hell is going on? This doesn't make sense!
No! NO!!!
Flutie reaches under the ring and pulls out two "nWd" t-shirts, which Styx and SM_007 promptly put
on, as SM_007 grabs the mic again, this time to a chorus of boos from the fans
who realize what had just taken place.
SM_007- Shockwave, you just stay where you are before the Great One smacks the yellow off your teeth! And as for you, Sidious, Edge says this: He knows you are on the mic right now, screaming about what a travesty this is, but before you run your mouth off about the Great One, he'd prefer you take his advice, advice which each and every one of these trailer park trash fans should take as well. And that's your role. Know it. And your mouth, shut it! In fact, Sidious, screw all that! Why don't you open your mouth real wide, and pour down a nice, refreshing glass of SHUT UP JUICE!
*The fans are now booing rather loudly as Flutie and Styx all laugh in
the ring. Peak_Man stands by Flutie
unsure of what’s going on as Flutie tries to tell him.
SM_007- Right now
you're probably thinking, "Why, Great One, why? Why?" The answer is
simple, you piece monkey crap! This is the fault of Sid6.9 and these jabronies
in the audience! See, the Great One always knew that the fans are all being led
around like rats in a maze, Sidious, and that Sid6.9 isn't as smart, but the
Great One realized a long time ago that these fans don't give a rat's ass about
him, or Tridus, or the nWd! All these pieces of trash want is
entertainment! Sidious, they couldn't
care whether the Great One lived or died, and now, just like always, SM_007 is
taking his spot at the top of the Death Matches. The Great One is taking over
the nWd, and do you want to know why? Because Sid handed his power down to
Tridus, Y2T, something that he should have never done. The real power, Sidious,
lies here, in the nWd, and the nWd is not going to stop until we have either
taken over the Death Matches, or taken it down with us. As Styx said, the mood
is about to change, and the nWd is now on a path of rage, if ya SMELLLL... Hey,
this isn't sing along with SM_007.
And with that,
SM_007 drops his mic as he and the rest of the nWd start heading towards the
back
Meanwhile in the
back Y2T and MysteryMan are busy watching what is going on…
MysteryMan- Umm,
Tridus, what the hell is going on? I
thought SM_007 was dead. And I thought
Styx was your friend. Tridus? Tridus?!?
(Shouts) Y2T!
Y2T just ignores
him and stares at the screen, he then looks at MysteryMan with his mouth open…
Y2T- It can’t be,
he can’t be alive. I saw him dead, I
saw him dead…
And Tridus leaves
the arena with MysteryMan in close chase as the screen fades to black…
As the credits
roll…
Announcer Dude-
FNWRDM was brought to you in part to Weird Ass Sports, a subsidiary to Tridus
Inc. The Inc. that can run, but why,
he’d rather kick your ass.
Editor’s
Note- I would like to extend my appreciation to SM_007 for contributing part of
the writing of this Death Match. I
don’t think I have to tell you which part he was responsible for writing, I
think it is pretty self-explanatory. And that it was probably the best part of
this week’s death match. My hats off to
you Shawn, great writing effort.
©FNWRDM™ Friday Night War
Room Death Match™ is the sole property of Sid6.9 Enterprises. Any and all
rebroadcasts are strictly prohibited without prior written consent from Sid6.9
Enterprises