Disclaimer: This is the Friday Night War Room Death Matches! This is not a popularity contest. All contestants and participants are taken from the War Room over
a disagreement, flame war, or just a plain old pig butt nasty insult throwing. Even though the author may have an opinion
about the flame war, he will not let it be known through these stories. The winners are decided in a fair effective
manner. Some of the things said may
upset some readers. So if you have a
weak heart, stomach, or head, have a seizure condition, or any other type of
medical condition that may be set off by low brow humor, I suggest you stop
reading now. I will not be held
responsible if you are shocked, sickened, or upset over what you read, after
all I warned you. And as a reminder,
please ensure you do not try any of the moves in the story at home, as they are
done by highly trained letters with years of experience. Anyway it is just a story! Enjoy!
The TV screen pops to life with a message…
In Cooperation
with
Tridus Inc.
Proudly presents
the following!
Friday Night War Room Death Match!
The screen then jumps to live with images of violence and death as these images flash by…
Peak_Man slamming Styx to the mat with the “Peak’s Delight”, Y2T
wielding his 100 list silly stick and striking Dorg to the top of the head,
Flutie with his hand down Y2T’s throat threatening him with the “Grandma’s Ride
on Space Mountain”, British smacking around Kramer, Ninja E cracking Rotten 168
in the ribs with a spin kick, and finally Peter (AKA Fake Sid6.9) scared out of
his wits as Tridus is about to spear him…
The screen switches up as static first appears then the images return
to only be replaced by a message…
The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers! He is here, and none of you will be safe again!
The message then turns back to static as the images return to show a Big Sexy and Master Sidious sitting in their usual spots. The camera switch angles and begins to take pictures of a darkened room, when suddenly an explosion occurs, and fireworks shoot off. Several scantily dressed women appear on top the DeathMatch-O-Vision gyrating with their hips and shaking their asses at the cameras as the music of PowerMan 2000’s “When world’s collide” blare from the house speakers. The lights in the arena turn on to reveal tons and tons of fans waving their hands and homemade signs, some of them read…
“God is watching you all, repent, repent now!” “Peak_Man is one big ass MoFo!” “BaseVilliN means Victory”, “Flutie is as Flutie does”, “The creepy voice man is my dad!” “I can’t believe Announcer Dude is popular”, and finally “Hey Big Sexy, Free My People!”
The fans scream and yell just as a person begins to speak over the intercom system…
Master Sidious- All right, welcome everyone to the hottest show on the internet! * The fans go deafening with cheers with Sidious saying that * Folks we have got one white-hot show for you all tonight. But before we get to that, let’s welcome my tag team partner! He is the man that “Embodies Freakiness”, the man that “Gives Dogs a Bad Name” and the man that once drank a whole bottle of Pepto-Bismol and lived to tell about it……………….Big………Sexy………..Stefan!
A man beside Sidious stands and takes the mic, cocks a smile as the ladies in the audience begin to scream at him while rubbing there bodies up and down. The man puts the mic to his mouth and speaks to the fight fans as they scream “Sexy, Sexy, Sexy!”
Big Sexy Stefan- Oh yes ladies, The Big Bad Sexy Daddy has come home! And I brought a Big Friend with me * As he holds his hands up in the air *
The ladies in the audience scream “The Human Love Machine” as they try to stretch their hands out to Big Sexy with tears coming down there cheeks, and shrieks departing their lips…
Big Sexy Stefan- Oh yeah baby, you all know that later tonight you will be shrieking for the Human Love Machine as he goes “Bang, Bang, Bang” all night long, yeah!
The ladies scream some more as Sidious motions for BS to get off the announcing table…
MS- Heh, heh all right, well Happy Saint Patrick’s day to you Big Sexy! Boy what a show we have got planned tonight don’t we?
BSS- Oh yeah, Happy Saint Patrick’s day to you too Sidious, as I suspect that we will be seeing plenty of action. But I’m still worried about the “Zero”, Sidious. I think we need to do something about it.
MS- Well don’t worry BS we have got plenty of security tonight, and Sid6.9 promised us a special commentator that will help protect us.
BSS- Oh, come on Sidious, you know nothing can stop the power of the “Zero”! We need to erect Temples in his honor to appease his taste for blood!
MS- Oh come on Big Sexy, honestly, it is just a man doing all these things. You are talking like he is a god or something.
BSS- Well I did see a message in my mirror this morning after I got out of the shower.
MS (Eyeing BS)- Really? And what did it say?
BSS- Well it said, that we need to build a temple in honor of “Zero”…And that we are to sacrifice a virgin every day to appease him! And it told me I had to sacrifice them in the traditional way, by stabbing them! I think Sid6.9 should spring to find them virgins quickly, cause I hear that this “Zero’s” appetite for virgins must be quenched quickly!
MS- Umm, sure BS, I’m sure you saw that in your mirror.
BSS- I did, I did!
MS- Okay well, lets move on with the show shall we?
BSS- Well Sidious, I need the, I mean, we need to sacrifice the virgins now!
Big Sexy grabs a house mic…
BSS- Umm, any virgins out there want to sacrifice themselves to me, to appease our god in the amazing “Zero”…(Sidious reaches over snatching the mic away, as the fans look in wonderment as a few girls volunteer)
MS- Umm pay no mind to Big Sexy’s ramblings folks, there is no vengeful god or anything like that, umm, Big Sexy is just a little confused.
BSS- Damn it Sidious, that blond over there wanted to sacrifice herself for our god, the amazing “Zero”, damn it Sidious, she needs to be stabbed * As he thrusts his hips back and forth as he sings* “Oh yeah baby, Big Sexy wants to do some stabbing tonight. I feel like stabbing tonight, like stabbing tonight!”
MS- Big Sexy! Stop it, we have a show to do! You stop acting like this and stop worrying about the person or persons trying to scare us. It is only a couple of men that are doing this, and you will be safe!
BSS- But Sidious, he said last week that I was going to be made an example of. I’m getting the willies right now just thinking about it…
BAM! As a firecracker goes off in the crowd as Big Sexy shrieks in terror…
MS (To Big Sexy)- Umm, BS, that was just a firecracker, now get off my lap!
BSS (Holding onto Sidious’s neck)- Just hold me for a second!
Master Sidious slaps Big Sexy across the face and pushes him off his lap…
BSS (Rubbing his face)- Uhh thanks Sidious, I guess I needed that.
MS- I would agree Big Sexy, now can we start the show?
BSS- Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry, (Turns to the camera) Umm, fight fans, I’m sorry, there is no amazing “Zero”, or that we need to build a temple in his honor, or that he is going to kill us all. Well he may if he’s good and all. But the part about the virgins is true, SO ALL YOU VIRGINS MUST FIND ME IMMEDIATELY! And I don’t mean any male virgins either. Big Sexy doesn’t stab any male virgins. You all want to be stabbed well good luck finding someone, cause Big Sexy just don’t swing that way.
MS- Ehh, okay Big Sexy, and with that out of the way, lets get this show going.
BSS- Umm, it’s time for a commercial Sidious!
MS- Ahh damn it Big Sexy, we have done absolutely nothing in the fi…uhh whatever, we will be back after these messages…
The screen changes as a little boy and his dad are watching TV together…
Son-
Daddy, could I someday be just like the Death Match guys? They are so big and bad.
Dad-
Heh, heh, I don’t think so son. Those
guys are genetically mutated. You won’t
have any part of being like them.
Son-
Awww but dad, I wanna be a Death Match Competitor! I wanna be Flutie!
Dad-
Quite son, daddies program is coming back on!
Go to the store and get Daddy some beer!
The
son leaves with money his dad gave him and heads to the store where he sees for
the first time “DeathMatch Power Bars”
Son-
Wow, DeathMatch Power Bars, I heard they make you a competitor!
The
son buys the power bars and heads home where dad is upset at what he did.
Dad-
You ignorant little wretch, I sent you to get beer and you buy these crappy
DeathMatch Shitty Bars? What do you
have to say you little punk! * As he takes off his belt*
Son-
I wanna fight! * As the kid takes a bite of the Power Bar *
And
in a large poof of smoke Peak_Man is standing there…
Peak_Man
grabs Dad under the arms lifts him high up, twists with him and lands on the
floor breaking his head open…
Peak_Man-
Duh-huh, DeathMatch Power Bar, cause when you hunger, there is nothing
better. Peak now hungry!
Announcer-
When you want to be in the death matches, but mommy and daddy won’t let
you. Just grab a DeathMatch Power Bar
and kick the shit out of them first!
DeathMatch Power Bars available at all participating stores…
The Screen then changes back to the Death Matches as a promo announces, this segment of FNWRDM is brought to you by Renuzit. When it can’t do it, renuz it!
MS- Welcome back fight fans, well we haven’t covered anything yet, but we are on track now, right Big Sexy.
BSS- Uh-huh.
MS- Okay, well Big Sexy, this weeks match-up is something else isn’t it? Tell the fans about tonight’s fight!
BSS- Okay Sidious, well Sid6.9 asked for some help from the fans in selecting this weeks competitors and he didn’t have to wait long as Xel~Naga, Orisis, and Mister EZ responded to it. Now Sid took those three numbers that were given to him and selected our participants in a unique and inventive manner. In other words folks he counted backwards to find the competitors.
MS- Yeah, and with giving Sid6.9 the numbers he needed, Sid6.9 gave Xel~Naga, Orisis, and Mister EZ free front row tickets, the death match home game, and a tour of the backstage earlier today. And our cameras were rolling, so lets take you to the footage…
The cameras come to the back where Orisis, Xel~Naga, and Mister EZ are all standing around looking at the pictures of all the past participants…
Orisis- Oh yeah, I know what you mean Mister EZ, Disgruntled Gamer sure was one kick ass fighter. It was a shame that he got killed, he would have made a great addition to the nWd.
Mister EZ- No way dude, I would have rather seen him team up with Y2T. Could you just imagine where that team would have gone?
Xel~Naga- Bah! You both are idiots, Y2T works by himself, and DG was just out for himself the whole time he appeared. I’m glad he got killed, cause Sub-Level 27 is just the man!
Mister EZ- Sub-Level 27, ha, that dude hasn’t even been around at all, he sucks major monkey nuts.
Orisis- Ha, ha Monkey Nuts, that was classic.
Xel~Naga (Looking a little pissed)- Monkey Nuts my ass, I’ve got your monkey nuts right here! * As he points to his crotch *
Orisis- Ha, ha you have monkey nuts up your ass, ha, ha that’s gotta hurt!
Mister EZ joins in laughing at Xel~Naga…
Xel~Naga- Oh shut the hell up! Cause tonight the guy I picked, Mech/S Rogue is gonna trash yours asses bad!
Mister EZ- No way man, BaseVilliN is the man, he will win, hands down!
Orisis- Pfft, yeah right, the man that is the unknown is gonna win. Kris will dominate cause no one knows him. Gotta go with the unknown warrior, and besides I picked him, and I always pick winners!
All three begin to argue back and forth and start shoving each other as Sid6.9 makes his way to them…
Sid6.9- Gentleman, how are you doing today?
Xel~Naga- Pretty good, if it weren’t for these two fag boys and there lame ass picks for tonight’s fight.
Orisis- Oh right, remember you’re the one with the monkey nuts up your ass. How could a person with monkey nuts up his ass pick the winner!
Xel~Naga- You little punk, I’m gonna kick the sh…
Sid6.9 (Steps between them)- Gentleman, gentleman. Please do not argue. You know you didn’t know who you were picking, the numbers you gave were random of course. So lets just be friends and enjoy the tour right now, and the fight later tonight okay?
Xel~Naga- Yeah, you’re right Sid, I’m sorry guys for acting like a jerk.
Orisis- Yeah me too, sorry about the monkey nuts thing, I knew what ya meant.
Mister EZ- Yeah true, after all, we aren’t fighting tonight, the guys we randomly picked are. Lets let them kill each other, while we enjoy it!
The all agree and shake hands as Sid6.9 continues, as Sid6.9 begins to give them the tour of the Death Matches…
The screen switches back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy Stefan…
MS- Well we will go back to the tour every now and then during the show fight fans, but we need to talk about tonight’s fight! Big Sexy, tell the fans about the match-up.
BSS- Okay well like we said, Sid picked 3 people from the numbers Xel~Naga, Orisis, and Mister EZ gave him. The people that were selected will be doing the 3-way Dance of Death in the Death Match ring tonight. Well what does that mean you ask? Well the three of them fight until only one of them remains alive. When one of them dies, the other continue on, until, like Highlander, there is only one. Now this makes for some interesting combinations here, cause we have 3 fighters that are so diverse in the ring. One is a warrior that breeds on survival in the toughest of situations, another is one that is a tough man bruiser that leads a life of violence, and the last is a high flyer that makes his fortune by taking to the air.
MS- Excellent Big Sexy, and like in the 3-Way Death Match we put on in the first season, you all know that anything can happen. In that death match we saw the birth of Y2T, as he used manipulation to form a brief alliance with H-H to help kill the larger Peak_Man, the original, not the clone we have today. And then showed that the partnership was limited as the destroyed H-H as well. Will we see the same kind of thing happen this time. Only the most wily of fighters with a quick head, and persuasion over others can survive this type of match-up. Just who will be the smarter one tonight? Well we have about 30 minutes to find out that answer.
BSS- Sidious lets tell the fight fans about our first fighter!
MS- Not yet Big Sexy, I hear that our special commentator and protector is on his way out right now. And Big Sexy, I think you will be thrilled to find out who it is!
BSS(Closing his eyes and wishing)- Please say Dr. Evil, please say Dr. Evil!
MS (To Big Sexy)- Oh god no Big Sexy, it’s someone better.
BSS (Peaking his interest)- Someone better than Dr. Evil? Oh he’s gotta be sexy then!
MS (Grabbing the house mic)- Fight fans, we have got a special treat for you on the Saint Patrick’s Day! Please welcome with me, as he comes down here to commentate with us, the man that has been in more Death Matches than anyone! The man that breeds violent entertainment the only way he can! The man that is the “Iootolah of Rock and Rolla!” The man, the myth, the legend in his own mind…
But before Sidious can finish the Death Match lights shut off as the DeathMatch-O-Vision comes to life with…
Y2T
With MysteryMan
5
4
3
2
1
The Screen then suddenly goes blank as suddenly Fireworks leap out high into the air as the music “Enter Sandman” blares out mid-riff. A shadow of a man with his back turned to the crowd can be seen with a man that is slightly taller stands by his side staring out into the audience. The crowd begins the chant of “Y2T, Y2T, Y2T, Y2T!” As the house lights come back on. The man standing by Tridus suddenly runs out and jumps down on one knee doing an air guitar impression as he goes downward. Y2T turns around as he is doing this and just shakes his head. He starts to walk forward and looks right then left. Brings his hand up and kisses it blowing from left to right as all the female fans bat their eyes and “Sigh” at him. Y2T stands there stroking the fans with a pouty look on his face as…
MysteryMan- Welcome to Death Match Mystery Hour! * The fans suddenly stop looking at Y2T and look at him * Now you are all probably wondering why Y2T is here for you all! Well he is here because he brought me!
Y2T being quick snatches the mic from his hand and grabs him up by the collar and starts to berate the young upstart. As MysteryMan looks down and mouths “Sorry”. Y2T brings the mic to his lips…
Y2T- Welcome to Death is Tridus! * The fans immediately go insane at that * You know I must apologize first for this young (Motioning at MM) over eager “Tridaholic”. He just wants, what you all want, in not being bored!
Y2T starts walking down the aisle, and instructs MM to follow behind him, in which he does…
Y2T- Well my “Tridaholics” the boredom ends now! You have 2 monkeys sitting up there that need the “Iootolah of Rock and Rolla” to save their boring asses from the mockery the perpetrate on you all! Sid6.9 realizes that the fans need Y2T in their lives and well here I am! * The fans go absolutely bonkers *
A fan suddenly jumps the barrier and rushes at Y2T as he grabs the mic in his hand and shouts “Y2T! You ROCK!” The fans voice their approval of this forumers outburst. Y2T pats the man on the head…
Y2T- Yes my “Tridaholic” I do indeed Rock. And don’t worry my “Tridaholics” cause after tonight things will Never! And I mean e-e-e-e-e-e-ever be the same again!
The fans cheer loudly as Y2T throws the mic to the side and instructs MM to stand behind him as he makes his way to his announcing chair. Master Sidious offers a headset to both Y2T and MM. Y2T grabs the headset for MM and shakes a finger. Master Sidious takes back the headset as Y2T puts his on. Big Sexy meanwhile laughs at MM as he frowns…
MS- Well, Y2T, may I call you Y2T?
Y2T- Well what else would you call me?
MS- Well I just thought you may prefer something different.
Y2T- Y2T is fine Sidalicious.
MS- Please don’t call me Sidalicious.
Y2T ignores Sidious as they continue the show…
BSS- So who is this man with you Tridus, he looks familiar…
MysteryMan stands there staring at Big Sexy then grabs Y2T’s headset…
MysteryMan- I’m MysteryMan Big Sexy, and I’ll always remain a Mystery!
Y2T snatches back the headset and tells MysteryMan to “Get the hell out of here and go back to the locker room!” As MM looks downward, kicks at the announcing booth and starts to head to the back. As he is heading up the ramp, he does the air guitar jumping down to one knee thing again as the fans just stare at him…
BSS- Wow, he’s a little hyper there Y2T.
Y2T (Shaking his head)- Well he does mean well. I am sorry for his behavior, he’s just a little too over eager.
MS- Well he is welcome back anytime he wants too, with energy like that, could make for a boost in ratings.
Y2T- Well ya see, Y2T has an eye for talent, and that young MysteryMan will someday be a big star!
BSS- Really? Even bigger than you Y2T?
Y2T- No, not that big, no one can touch this. * As he rubs his glittering jacket *
MS (Holding his earpiece)- Oh my! Fight fans we just are receiving word that the nWd has hit the arena and they are not happy.
Y2T- When are they ever happy? They are really more boring anyway, we should just stay here and marvel at my greatness!
MS- We will Y2T, but lets head back there and see what they are doing!
The cameras switch as we see Flutie, British, and Peak_Man arriving inside the arena surrounded by 30 some odd big men…
Flutie- All right, you guys are being paid to protect my investments so you do it understood.
The 30 some odd men nod at him in agreement…
Flutie- Okay lets hit the ring!
British- I don’t like this mate, I’ve got a bad vibe about being here. I’m telling you there are bad spirits here, and they are here to kill us, I’m telling you!
Flutie- Don’t worry, I have everything under control, and with these 30 some odd bodyguards, nothing will touch us. We need to find out who killed our boy Deathwish! God damn, I figured you for anyone would want to get a hold of who killed him. Stop acting like a puss.
British- Yeah I know mate, but I still have this creepy feeling, I just know that there’s a ghost out there waiting to ge…
Flutie- Damn it, stop whining like a freaking baby, you are nWd, and we don’t back down from anyone! Not even ghosts, if I see a ghost I’ll take his sheet he hides under and shove it up his ass! You should be more like Peak_Man (As he points to Peak_Man who is over by the catering tables)
British- Like him?!? You gotta be bloody kidding me. All he cares about is where the food is. He’s to stupid to realize he’s ever in trouble.
Flutie- Exactly, you should be more like that.
British just shakes his head as Flutie yells at Peak_Man…
Flutie- Come on Peak, it’s time to go knock some heads around.
Peak_Man ignores him as he continues to eat. British walks over and hauls Peak_Man away with a chicken bone sticking out of his mouth. Peak reaches and grabs the chicken on the platter and holds it up by his chest as they walk away…
MS- Wow, I think they mean to come out here.
BSS- Oh god no, I hope they don’t. Last time they did, Peak_Man tried to eat my shoes.
Y2T- Don’t worry, I’m here, and they won’t try anything while Y2T is here.
BSS- Umm, I wouldn’t be to sure about that, they hate you just as much as me.
Y2T- Yeah, but I at least can fight.
BSS- Yeah, well I at least can, well, you know. * As he bangs his hips back and forth *
Y2T- Touché!
Suddenly the music of “Voodoo Child” starts up as Flutie, British, Peak_Man and his half eaten chicken, with the 30 some odd bodyguards make their way to the ring…
Y2T- Oh good god, look at British, he looks almost scared.
BSS- Well I would be too if the amazing “Zero” was after me too.
Y2T- The amazing “Zero”? Are you on crack or something?
BSS- No, I just say no to crack. And the amazing “Zero” is real, I tell you we need to build the temple now!! Now I tell you! Now! And the virgins, I need the, I mean we need to sacrifice the virgins now!
MS- Stop it Big Sexy, there is no amazing “Zero”! We don’t need to build no Temple! And for the last time, you don’t need to sacrifice no virgins to appease him!
Meanwhile the 3 of them make their way inside the ring with the half eaten chicken, while the 30 some odd bodyguards stand outside the ring facing the audience…
British (To Flutie)- Mate, I don’t like this, I really got a bad feeling now.
Peak_Man- Bad feeling, yeah bad feeling.
Flutie- It’s all in your head British, and don’t be filling Peak’s head with your pussiness.
British glares at Flutie as he takes the house mic and speaks to the fans…
Flutie- All right, I’m here to end these damn threats to the nWd! Last week our friend Deathwish DDW was killed in this ring, and I want some answers…
The fans stare at him and shrug, British meanwhile looks around nervously, as Peak_Man continues to annihilate the chicken…
British (Grabbing Fluties shoulder)- Man, I’m telling you this is bloody creepy! We are calling out a ghost I tell you!
Flutie (Slapping British)- Cut it out British, we are here to get some pay back and you whine like a little bitch! (Puts the mic back to his mouth) All right, where the hell are you, you son of a bitch! I know you can hear me, well we are out here waiting damn it, we want some of us? We are right here, come and get us you scared little sissies!
But nothing happens, the fans begin to chant “Boring, Boring, Boring”
Y2T (Sitting uneasy)- Ya see, they are bored, my “Tridaholics” are bored, I can’t have that! (Y2T picks up the house mic) Hey Flutie, stop boring my “Tridaholics”! They don’t want to see you and your scared little pansies, they came here to see Y2T! Flutie! Flutie?
But Flutie ignores Y2T as he looks around with a pissed off look on his face…
Flutie (Screaming into the mic)- Come on damn you! Come out! I want some damn pay ba…
Suddenly the lights inside the arena shut off as the creepy voice comes over the speakers…
The future is set into motion…Last week was just a taste of what is
to come…nWd will be no more, for you have been
targeted…Targeted for termination, with extreme prejudice!
Suddenly on the DeathMatch-O-Vision a “7” can be seen flashing on and off with a loud sound like a beating heart in the background. Nothing can be seen between the white flashes of the “7”, as Flutie approaches the ring ropes and British and Peak_Man’s silouhettes can be seen behind him, the light flashes on and off, then suddenly disappears, leaving the arena in darkness for 15 seconds. Then the house lights come back on as the speaker system shouts out a chant that slowly repeats it self then slowly gets quieter and quieter…
Death is Here,
Waiting to hear you scream…
Death is Here,
Waiting to hear you scream…
Death is Here,
Waiting to hear you scream…
Death is Here, Waiting to hear you scream…
Death is Here,
Waiting to hear you scream…
In the ring Flutie turns around with his face beat red, and screaming into the mic, but can’t be heard as the sound system is not in their control…
Flutie (Screaming in the mic)- mn You! God damn you! Where the hell are you! I want my vengeance!
Flutie then notices that Peak_Man is only standing in the ring with him. He walks to Peak_Man asking him something, Peak_Man only looks around and shrugs. Flutie gets a worried look on his face as he jumps from the ring and heads quickly to the back with the 30 some odd bodyguards in tow, and Peak_Man following behind finishing the last part of the chicken…
MS- Man, was that intense or what? Where the hell did British go? This whole thing with this mysterious voice and numbers being on the screen has got me baffled, hey Big Sexy? (Turns to where BS sits) Big Sexy? (Looks around) Big Sexy?
Y2T points under the desk…
MS- Damn it, Big Sexy, you can’t go hiding everytime something strange happens.
BSS- Fuck that Sidious! I told you that we needed to build that Temple, but you didn’t believe me! Well what do you have to say now!
Y2T- Hmmm, it is intriguing with what has been going on, but still, something about this troubles me?
MS- How so Y2T? (As he drags a kicking and screaming BS out from under the desk)
Y2T- Well, look at what has been going on. Numbers flashing, a strange creepy voice telling us that we are all doomed, then Deathwish dying, and now British disappearing into fat air. It’s all too familiar to me (As he looks up thinking) Something about the numbers has me worried for some reason…
BSS- Yes, yes, I told you, the amazing “Zero” is here! He wants our souls!
MS- Stop it Big Sexy, and besides, we didn’t see a “Zero”, we saw a “Seven”.
BSS- Oh no! A Seven! The Borg! The Borg are coming too, oh man we are doomed, doomed I tell ya! They want to assimilate my Love Machine and attach some strange object to it that will buzz and beep!
Y2T- Umm, guys I’ll be right back, I need to go check on something!
BSS (Grabbing at Y2T)- No, no you can’t go Y2T, who will protect me!
Y2T (Snatching his arm away)- Damn it, I don’t have time to baby-sit you!
BSS- But what if he comes back, comes back to want to hurt me, or worse, try to have sex with me!
Y2T ignores him as he heads up the ramp…
BSS- Oh we are doomed, doomed I tells ya, doomed to die, oh woe is me.
MS- Come on Big Sexy, you know he only shows up once during the show, he won’t be back. And there is no Borg, they are only fictional characters on a TV show.
BSS- Yeah, but what if he changed his contract to 2 showings?
MS- Well, we can’t stop the show now, I’m sure that British just ran to the back, and will be all right. Come on Big Sexy, cheer up.
BSS- I can’t, this whole thing has me freaked! It’s so un-sexy!
MS- Well I know what will cheer you up. (As he pulls out an old video)
BSS- Is that what I think it is?
MS- Uh-huh, the latest edition of Monkey Spankers in Space!
BSS- Hee, hee, hee monkey spankers are funny.
MS- Yep, and if you help me do the show, I’ll let you have it.
BSS- Okay deal.
MS- So no more about building Temples and sacrificing virgins.
BSS (As he reaches for the tape)- Temples what ever do you mean? And virgins, where, I want some!
MS (Handing the tape over)- Okay Big Sexy lets tell the fight fans about our first fighter for tonight’s 3-way Dance of Death!
BSS- Well Sidious, our first competitor is a man of a high-flying state. In fact this mans state of origin is high flying, he is from the Rocky Mountains of Colorado! He is the fighter that was chosen by Orisis. This fighter although quick and agile, does have his weaknesses lying in his strength. I wouldn’t go looking for him to get physical with his competitors right off the bat. Instead I see him using that speed to wear down his opponents physically first, before using his arsenal of attacks suck as the “Running Tiger Kick” and the “Mountain Top Leg Bomb”! But this fighters biggest aerial shot has got to come from the “Rocky Mountain High” which is coincidentally his finisher.
MS- Wow he sure sounds like he has got some trouble tonight there Big Sexy. It’s not easy in a 3-way and it sounds like he will have the hardest time in there.
BSS- Yeah, I’d have to agree, but with his mobility, he should be able to overcome the obstacles that lie in his path tonight. But he has to stay away from attacking to soon, let the other two where each other down, then at the right time, much like I do with all the lovely ladies, hit ‘em hard and fast!
MS- Heh, heh I bet Big Sexy, well I hear that Kris is now with our special interviewer for the night in Terin Unit! Mother Love unfortunately could not be here tonight.
BSS- Aww damn, what a shame.
MS- I’m sure you are heartbroken by it BS.
Big Sexy just smiles…
MS- Okay lets get to Terin Unit. Unit are you there?
Terin Unit- I bi hear Sideis! High r u tuniht?
MS (To Big Sexy)- Umm, what, what the hell did he just say?
BSS (Giggles to himself)- Heh, heh it’s Ebonics Sidious, here I’ll translate. He said “I be here Sidious! How are you tonight?” I’ll take it from here Sidious.
MS- Oh okay, thanks.
BSS- Terin Unit, Sideis ant I r dueing fene. Pleese cuntinooe.
Terin Unit- Will Krist, ti seams tat u hav quit the chellnge tunght? Ayn thots on how the fieht well go?
Kris (Standing in a sequined outfit)- What the hell are you talking about? Give me the damn mic and shut the hell up. * Snatches the mic out of Terin Units hands *
Terin Unit- Whel u r tee bus!
Kris- What, did you just call me a bus? Shut up! Anyway my competitors will feel what it means to be sky high as I drop some bombs on their sad silly sorry asses! I’m Kris, and I’m here to stay. Those other 2 are too big and slow to stop the speed baby. I’m like a jet fighter, and I’ll shot them down, and they will burn in flames baby! Burn baby burn as the Kris Jet goes straight up your ass!
Kris slaps the mic back into Terin Units chest and walks off sneering at him…
Terin Unit- Whel, it seams I knot bi wulcum hear, bak to u gays!
The camera switches back to Sidious and Big Sexy…
MS- Oh um, are we back? Heh, heh I thought he was talking about something else.
BSS- Heh, heh, it’s easy to get confused with him, he is from Boston Sidious, he doesn’t speak English too well.
MS- Well I should say not. Hey, I hear there is some ruckus back in the locker rooms, lets head there now…
The cameras switch to the back to find Sid6.9 with the three numbers guys, Xel~Naga, Orisis, and Mister EZ as they watch as Flutie yells as Sid6.9.
Flutie- You asshole, I know that British disappeared, what are you going to do about it?
Sid6.9 (Raising his hands up)- Hold on there Flutie, it’s not my fault that you all came here tonight. I didn’t tell you all to go out there.
Flutie walks closer to Sid6.9…
Flutie- Hey, you are responsible to protect the fighters right?
Sid6.9- Yes I am.
Flutie- Then where was our protection tonight then fag boy, huh? Well then where was the security for us?
Sid6.9 (Laughs)- Oh sure Flutie, everytime I have security here, you all either kill them or beat them up! Like any security team wants to work with you, and besides, you have 30 some odd security guards with you. What were they doing? Playing Canasta while you were in the ring? Ha, ha, your own private security can’t even help you, and you expect me too.
Flutie- Yeah, it’s your responsibility, I want protection, and I want to know where British is. He’s still gotta be here.
Sid6.9 (Holding up his hands)- Okay, okay, I agree that we need to keep you guys safe, but you have to promise not to beat up any of the security that is here okay.
Flutie- Fine okay, whatever.
Sid6.9- No, not whatever, I’m telling you this now. I will scour this entire building, and if he is here still we will find him. But I’m tired of yours all childish, bully behaviors. I’ve had it up to here. Personally I don’t really care if British is here or not, but I will help you in finding him…..dead or alive.
Flutie (Walks close to Sid6.9 and puts a finger in his chest)- Let me tell you this too sucker. If anything happens to British, I’m holding you personally responsible. And I will make damn sure, that before this freak that is going around here killing my friends, that I will take you out first, before he gets me.
Flutie begins to walk away as Xel~Naga, Orisis, and Mister EZ look at Sid6.9 in wonderment as he talks into a walkie-talkie.
Xel~Naga- Wow he was sure pissed wasn’t he?
Orisis- Well if you had ghosts after ya, I would be too.
Mister EZ- It isn’t ghosts, Sidious said so.
Orisis- Yeah well Big Sexy is sure it’s a spirit or something.
Xel~Naga- No he thinks it’s a god not a spirit, British thought it was a ghost.
Orisis- Oh yeah, well what Big Sexy says goes, understand. * As he puts a fist up in his face *
Sid6.9 (Putting down the walkie-talkie)- Guys, guys, stop it, I’m trying to talk here.
Xel~Naga- Sorry Sid, talk into your talking box thing.
Mister EZ (To Orisis while slapping him in the back of the head)- See what ya started numbnuts.
Orisis- Me?!? Hey you…
Xel~Naga (Putting a finger up to his mouth)- Quite you knucklehead, your gonna get us kicked out before we can even see the fight.
Orisis- But you…
Mister EZ puts his hand over Orisis mouth and looks at him gravely. Orisis slaps his hand away and looks at him insanely. Sid6.9 gets done on the walkie-talkie and looks at the three of them.
Sid6.9- Unbelievable isn’t it? * The three shake their heads agreeing with Sid * Man, oh man, we are going to have to cut the tour short gentleman. I’m gonna have to take care of these problems, I hope you all enjoy the show tonight, and hopefully we can finish the tour another time. Announcer Dude here will show you to your seats.
Sid6.9 shakes their hands as they thank Sid for his hospitality, as announcer dude leads them away…
The cameras switch back to Sidious and Big Sexy…
Big Sexy- Wow, that was something else.
Master Sidious- I’ll say so, Flutie is a little upset.
BSS- No, no, not that Sidious, someone agreed with me about the amazing “Zero”.
MS- No Big Sexy, he was…
BSS- Ah, ah Sidious, he trusts me.
MS- Humph, a mis-guided fellow that one I’d say.
BSS- I’m telling you Sidious, we need to build the…
Sidious reaches over grabbing the tape of “Monkey Spankers in Space” as Big Sexy’s eyes go wide…
BSS- No, don’t take my tape Sidious!
MS- Okay then, lets go on to our next participant shall we?
BSS- Okay, sorry once again, we do not need a temple, we do not need a temple.
MS- Okay fight fans our next fighter is one mean hombre. He is from the mean streets of Quebec, Canada. And being on Saint Patrick’s Day it makes sense to have a fighter that used to be a boxer. This man is just plain mean and dirty. He is extremely powerful and the his punching power is unparalleled. He is of course, as we will call him throughout tonight as Rogue. Now even though he is strong, this fighter does have the ability to absorb huge amounts of punishment. But his disadvantage lie in the fact that with a prior eye injury that ended his once promising boxing career, does have very limited vision. But when he gets opponents trapped, moves like “Hammer Time” and “Kidney Killers” will make his opponents beg for mercy. But his biggest weapon is his finisher, a move he calls the “Doomsday Device”!
BSS- Wow, I wouldn’t want to be around him. He sounds viscous Sidious. And with the temperament he has, that could be his downfall. He needs to keep his cool and stalk his opponents. He shouldn’t run around all that much, but rely on getting his opponents to come to him, that way he can deploy those heavy hands.
MS- Yeah I would agree there Big Sexy, lets head back to Terin Unit who is standing by with Rogue. You there Unit? Unit?
As the screen shows a large, burly man holding the mic…
Large Man- Umm, the Unit is, umm, indisposed.
MS- Oh, I see, well who are you?
Large Man- I am Rogue of course.
MS- Oh I see, okay, well Rogue where did the Unit go off to.
Rogue- He’s, well, sleeping on the job. * As he looks at the floor and smiles *
MS- I see, well what are your thoughts about tonight’s fight?
Rogue- Well pain is in the forecast for tonight, with a giant wall of Whoop Ass heading out of the north with high pressure of Doom heading in from the south. And when they collide, the rain of pain is going to freeze their asses cold!
MS- I see, nice analogies with the weather forecast there.
Rogue- Not a problem, I am studying to be a Meteorologist ya know, eh?
MS- Umm, no we didn’t know that, but we do now, thanks for coming tonight.
Just then some groaning occurs as a hand comes over Rogues shoulder as Terin Unit struggles his way to his feet. Rogue looks at him…
Rogue- You all right, eh? * Then with a left knocks him back out * Back to bed with you, you little non-talking freak!
Sidious gives the sign to cut, as the cameras switch back to Big Sexy and Sidious…
BSS- Boy, now I’m really into this fight. This one is going to be loads better than last weeks.
MS- Yes, I would have to agree there. * Puts his hand up to his ear * Hey there’s something going on in the back, I think maybe they found British! Let’s head there now.
The cameras switch to the back where DebtAngel is holding Sid6.9 up against the wall…
DebtAngel- Time for you to pay the Lord of Debtness.
Sid6.9- Umm, I don’t have your money right now DA.
DA- I don’t care if you don’t have it, I want it, you have 5 seconds to come up with it, or I will be claiming your soul now.
Sid6.9 (Thinks quickly)- Umm, wait, wait, we are still allowing people into the arena. We don’t have the gate money in yet. Please give me ‘til the end of the night, I will have your money then, okay?
DA (Thinking for a minute)- Well the Lord of Debtness usually does not wait for such trivial things. But if I get my money than I will wait. But be warned, if you are messing with me, the Lord of Debtness will own your soul! * As his eyes roll back in his head *
DebtAngel releases Sid6.9 and sneers at him as he walks away, Sid6.9 straightens his tie and grumbles to himself with a worried look on his face. Turns to walk away but runs into two well-dressed men in suits wearing sunglasses. The grab him by the arms and throw Sid6.9 against the wall as a third man approaches…
Sid6.9 (To the two well-dressed men)- Okay this crap needs to be cut out, what am I? The slap around boy tonight or what? * Sid6.9 notices the third man approaching and gets really worried * (Nervously) Umm, rRaminrodt right? Heh, heh how’s it going?
rRaminrodt- Mr. 6.9, you have been ignoring my calls as of late, this is troubling to me.
Sid6.9- I’m sorry, I’ve been busy. Umm, why don’t we head to the office and have some coffee?
rRaminrodt (Pulling out a silvery object)- No, I think we should just kill you now, for our own safety.
Sid6.9- But a have croissants! And I promise I have good news for you.
rRaminrodt looks at the other two who with smiles on their faces, nods to one another. Looks again, and nods once more…
rRaminrodt- Very well.
They haul off Sid6.9 as he nods in the direction of the cameraman who nods back at Sid6.9…
The cameras switch back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy…
BSS- Hey, where’d Sid ever get croissants? He never gives us croissants.
MS- Indeed BS, he’s been holding out on us. Well I don’t like the way it looks for Sid6.9 though, he has some serious problems there.
BSS- And what’s up with the Men in Black? Kind of a lame gimmick if you ask me.
MS- I don’t think it’s a gimmick Big Sexy, in fact, I don’t think they have anything to do with the death matches. But at any rate, I’m sure Sid6.9 can handle it, and if he can’t, I can always go back to doing infomercials.
BSS (Looking at Sidious)- Back to doing butthair trimmers hey Sidious? Heh heh.
MS- Shut up Big Sexy.
BSS- Oh wait, I also remember the hemorrhoid infomercials about those inflatable donut rings.
MS- All right Big Sexy that is enough.
BSS (Looks out in the audience)- Hey, isn’t that Mel Gibson?
MS (Looks as well)- Huh, where?
BSS (Standing up)- Right down there below us.
MS (Stands up)- Where I don’t see anything?
Big Sexy reaches into Sidious’s seat and pulls up a ring with a hole in the center…
BSS (In an announcers voice)- Hemorrhoids got you down? Well you don’t have to worry about sitting any more with the Acme Inflatable Hemorrhoid Remover. Just 3 weeks and those hemorrhoids will be gone!
Master Sidious snatches the ring from his hands…
MS (Upset)- Damn you BS, I think the fans would love to hear about your previous ventures. In fact…
BSS- Not know Sidious, we have to go to the “Sexy Interview” now baby, yeah, it’s sexy!
MS- I’m sorry Big Sexy, but we are not going to be able to do the “Sexy Interview” this week due to time constraints.
BSS- Oh man come on Sidious, it’s a really good interview though.
MS- I’m sorry Big Sexy, we need to get back to the back cause there is something going on.
BSS- I don’t like this Sidious, I never get my stuff on the show.
MS- Hey you get all the ladies, what more could you want.
BSS- Oh yeah, I forgot, heh, heh okay to the back we go.
The cameras switch as they go into Sid6.9’s office. Where Sid is sitting in his chair, rRaminrodt sitting opposite him with the other two well-dressed gentleman standing behind Sid. rRaminrodt starts to thumb through some paperwork, as Sid6.9 sits a little uneasy. rRaminrodt briefly looks up at him, opens his mouth, but then looks back down at the folder, as he opens it up looking at the papers. He then removes his sunglasses, for the first time, and looks straight at Sid6.9…
rRaminrodt (Without any expression)- Well Mr. Sid6.9, it seems we have the tiger by the tail don’t we?
Sid6.9- Umm, what? What tiger?
rRaminrodt- The Tiger, we have him by the tail.
Sid6.9- Umm, okay if that’s the sort of thing you like to do, by going out grabbing Tigers by the tails then go for it, but I’m not participating in a suicidal endeavor like that.
rRaminrodt (Still expressionless)- Well it seems we do.
Sid6.9 tries to speak as rRaminrodt brings up his hand and starts to look through the paperwork again, then looks up and speaks after flipping through some more papers…
rRaminrodt- Well Mr.6.9, it seems you have been leading a………double life. (Flips through more papers) Now in this life, you have been leading an empire of death and destruction while you have been paying your taxes, writing short stories, streaking in the nude, and…..clipping your land ladies….toenails.
Sid6.9- Objection your honor I want his remarks stricken from the record!
rRaminrodt just looks at Sid6.9 and then to the two well-dressed men that only look at him back and shrug…
rRaminrodt- Very well Mr.6.9 you can play these little games if you wa…
Sid6.9- Cool, then I pick to be the ornery but very sexy DA with the sexist legs! Hey you can be the prosecutor with the nervous twitch, and this two guys here will be my bailiffs, yes this is going to rock!
rRaminrodt- No, Mr.6.9 we ar…
Sid6.9 (Looks back at one of the guys in the back)- Bailiff restrain the prosecutor for his blatant outburst, thump if you have to.
The well-dressed man Sid6.9 talked to, shrugs at the other two, pulls out his slim jim and heads at rRaminrodt…
rRaminrodt- Don’t even think about Al, get back there (Pointing at the well-dressed man coming at him, Al shrugs and heads back to where he was standing) Okay Mr.6.9 the deal is, that one of this two lives have a future.
Sid6.9- Okay Monty, then I choose for the mystery box, The MYSTERY BOX!
rRaminrodt (Looks at the other two who only shrug, then back to Sid6.9)- There is no box Mr.6.9, please stop these games.
Sid6.9- Oh sorry, I thought this was let’s make a deal.
rRaminrodt (Smiles for the first time)- That is exactly what it is.
Sid6.9- Then I want what’s behind door #3, Monty!
rRaminrodt- I’ve had enough Mr.6.9, time to end your game………and your life! * As he pulls out a silenced gun *
Sid6.9- I see, then may I retort?
rRaminrodt looks at the other two well-dressed men who only shrug…
rRaminrodt- I guess so.
Sid6.9 (Looking to his right out the window)- Oh wow a naked monkey!
All three of the others look out the window as Sid6.9 hits a button, the floor opens up as Sid6.9’s chair leans forward quickly and as Sid6.9 starts to slide down the hole…
Sid6.9- So long Monty!
The three look back just in time to see Sid6.9 escape, they all then look at one another and shrug, then look back out the window...
rRaminrodt- Now where the hell is the monkey?
The cameras switch back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy, Big Sexy is munching on a box of popcorn…
BSS- Wow, that was like, the Matrix meets the Peoples Court and Let’s make a Deal! Awesome!
MS- Hmm, something about that troubles me though. Oh well let’s get to Terin Unit now though as he is has Base VilliN to interview…
Terin Unit- Noh, Villain, ti seams u hav quiot the calleeng a heed tinight, anee thoogts aboot it?
BaseVilliN just stares at Terin Unit, snatches the mic from his hand and shoves him from the camera view…
VilliN- Tonight, I shall enter the ring with two others. They know not of the ways of the wasteland as I do, and it will show. I have lasted years in the desert and have learned the many ways to survive. Nothing affects me, and I affect everything. Tonight will be no different as I will affect them with my will.
VilliN tosses the mic to the ground as Sidious and Big Sexy come back on camera…
BSS- Wow, he is certainly confident, this fight should be really awesome!
MS (Holding his ear)- Oh man, breaking news! They just found British! Lets get there now!
BSS- Sidious, I really need one of those ear thingies, I hate being in the dark like this, it’s so un-sexy!
The cameras switch once again, as the cameras approach a door marked Y2T! Several of Fluties bodyguards are outside the door, and won’t allow the cameras to enter. Voices can be heard screaming and yelling. Things start to be thrown around the room and suddenly Flutie emerges from the room…
Flutie (Into the camera)- Damn you Y2T, I’m gonna kick the shit out of you punk! That’s it, you * Beep * with my cousin, kill Deathwish, then kill British! Punk your life doesn’t mean shit now! I’m gonna * Beep * you up several ways from Sunday Mother*Beep*er.
Flutie then proceeds to slam the cameraman several times into the wall…From a distance though, Y2T and MysteryMan can be seen departing the arena down the hall. No one but the camera catches it though as Flutie and Peak_Man are kicking the shit out of several Sid6.9 security guards…
Outside Y2T and MysteryMan emerge, to where a camera stationed outside catches them without their knowledge…
MysteryMan- Tridus, what was that all about?
Y2T- I don’t know, but I think I smell a rat, a very big rat MysteryMan. Come on, we need to get out of here.
Suddenly the wall opens and out comes a sliding Sid6.9…
Y2T- Sid! You sneaky little devil you, where did you come from?
Sid6.9- Who told you?
Y2T- Huh?
Sid6.9- Oh, heh, heh, nevermind. Umm, Tridus, guess what?
Y2T- You got a new rug for your head?
Sid6.9 (Adjusts his hair)- No.
Y2T- Got that enema you always wanted?
Sid6.9- What the? No, dude, I pushed it up a week. And I think it’s time for that vacation.
Y2T- You mean?
Sid6.9- Yep, now come on, I need to fill you in.
Y2T, MysteryMan, and Sid6.9 climb into Y2T’s car and drive away…
The cameras go back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy Stefan…
MS- Oh my, they found British in Y2T’s locker room. Oh my, things seem really weird, remember Y2T left just after British disappeared…
BSS- Yeah, and Y2T made MysteryMan leave just before Flutie and the rest of them came out.
MS- Yes, that is interesting, and didn’t Y2T find this MysteryMan when the Creepy Voic Guy started to appear?
BSS- Yeah, it did, and then Sid6.9 appears and talks to Tridus saying they need to move things up one week! This is really weird Sidious, do you think they could be the ones behind this?
MS- It certainly seems that way Big
Sexy, it certainly seems that way. But
I think the main event is about to get underway so we will have to wait until
Sunday or Monday to get some answers.
BSS- I’ll say, there’s been some much stuff going on, it’s been kind of
difficult to keep up with all of it.
MS- Well I agree with that Big Sexy, it’s been really confusing, I hope
Tridus doesn’t have anything to do with it, and what about Sid6.9, where the hell
is he going? Is he coming back? Who would take over if he doesn’t with all
these guys after him.
BSS- I think DebtAngel will since he has more money in this than anyone
else.
MS- Well I wouldn’t want to insult DebtAngel, I’m sure he would be a
good boss, but could he do the same job as Sid6.9?
BSS- Well I’d say short answer “yes”, long answer “no”.
MS- Well that was pretty cryptic there Big Sexy. Hey I hear that our first competitor is on
his way out!
BSS- Yep here he comes, it’s Rogue!
Rogue makes his way to the ring to the music of House of Pain “Jump
Around”.
BSS- Wow what an appropriate song for Rogue, an famous Irish diddy on
Saint Patrick’s Day! (Starts singing) I came to get down, I came to get down, so
get out of your seats and get down, get down, get down, and down, and jump
around. Jump around! Heh, heh I love that song.
MS- Coincidentally fight fans we will be doing the Death Match in live
living green to commemorate this wonderful holiday!
BSS- Green huh? Cool I hear
that’s the color that is horny.
MS- It is Big Sexy, I heard that too.
Rogue makes his way down the aisle yelling obscenities at the fans,
climbs the steps and into the ring and approaches Shockwave…
MS- Oh-uh, he don’t want to get into Shockwave’s face, I hear he is
part Irish, and can whoop some serious ass.
BSS- Heh, heh I think Rogue must have heard ya cause he is backing off
him.
Suddenly the song “Poundcake” by Van Halen begins to blare from the
house speakers as Kris makes his way out…
MS- And here comes the air-loving daredevil, Kris.
BSS- Heh, heh another classic in Poundcake. You know I always love to pound some cake every night!
MS- I’m sure you do Big Sexy, I’m sure you do.
Kris makes his way down, highfiveing the fans, but they don’t return his
attempts to greet with them.
MS- Hey, why don’t the fans highfive with him for?
BSS- Simple Sidious, no one knows him, would you want to touch someone
you don’t know?
MS- Why not you do.
BSS- Well yeah, heh, heh, I do, I guess I should mean, strange guys
that want to touch you?
MS- Ah yes, I see your point.
Kris makes his way into the ring and stays as far away from Rogue as he
can…
BSS- Well what the hell song is that?
MS- It’s the theme music from the show Kung-Fu! You know, the dude that roamed the desert
and all.
BSS- Oh yeah, that dude could whoop some ass. I wonder if BaseVilliN will be able to too?
MS- Well we don’t have long to wait BS.
BaseVilliN walks out looking at the fans in wonderment, he stands at
the top of the ramp, unsure of himself…
BSS- Well what is he waiting for, get in the ring.
MS- Big Sexy, calm down, you know this guy has never seen people
before. He’s probably scared.
BSS- Yeah, well, I want to see some action baby. Big Sexy loves his action hard and furious.
MS- Yep, so do I. So do I Big Sexy.
BaseVilliN makes his way to the ring just as Announcer Dude takes the
mic…
MS- Okay fight fans, about time to get busy here, only the
announcements left to do.
Announcer Dude- Welcome ladies and gentleman, Weird Ass Sports in
cooperation with Tridus Inc. would like to welcome you to the wonderful Death
Match arena. * The fans mildly clap *
This battle of the Sexy Three Way is brought to you by “Coors Beer” cause when
it’s Coors, it’s never bitter baby * The fans cheer, as they have a new beer
sponsor * All right ladies and
gentleman, Are You Ready!?! * The fans cheer a little louder * I Said Are
Yooooouuuuuuu Reeeeeaaaaaddddyyyyyyyy!?!?!
* The fans emphatically cheer even louder * Then without further ado,
lets get Ready to Rummbbblllleeeeee!!! * The fans go absolutely bonkers *
Tonight we see the very first ever Bat on Big Sexy back Sexy Three Way Battle!
BSS- What the?!? What did he
say about a bat on my back?!?
MS- Oh damn, I forgot to tell you Big Sexy, you are participating
tonight!
BSS- The fuck I am! There is no
way I’m getting in the ring and competing!
I’m a lover not a fighter.
MS- No, no Big Sexy * As security approaches * you just have a bat
attached to your back and the competitor that gets the bat first, gets to use
it on his competitors, you don…
BSS- Fuck that! There is no way
I’m going to get into the ring and be chased around by three hairy, smelly,
sweaty men that want nothing better than to get a hold of me! There is no fucking way you are going to get
me to do that!
MS- Big Sexy, watch your language, this is a family show!
BSS- Fuck the families, I don’t care, I’m not doing this.
MS- Well it is in your contract to appear in the Death Match ring at
least once a year Big Sexy.
BSS- No way it isn’t!
MS (Pulling out a thick piece of paper)- Well it says so right here *
Pointing to a section of the contract *
BSS (Snatching the contract and reading quickly)- Umm, lets see, umm
okay so section 2 paragraph six, sub-section A, part 1- Big Sexy hearby agrees
to appear in one death match as a participant of the death matches, to include
special gimmicks. Screw this, I don’t
remember seeing this!
MS- Did you even read your contract before you signed it?
BSS- Well umm, no, I read the part about being Big Sexy and getting all
the ladies and signed it. But I didn’t
agree to this.
MS- Well BS, you have to do it, a contract is a contract.
BSS- Well then I quit, there’s no way Big Sexy is getting in the ring
tonight or any night, especially with the amazing “Zero” running around here.
MS- Well I guess you can do that Rich.
RS01- What? You called me Rich.
MS- Yeah, the Big Sexy moniker is part of your contract, it stays here.
RS01- Oh shit, damn it, okay, okay, I’ll do it, just don’t take away my
Big Sexy.
MS- I’m not doing anything BS, its Sid that is doing it.
Big Sexy Stefan starts to head to the ring area when Sidious stops him…
MS- Here BS, I have a special headset for you so you can bring us all
the action from inside the ring.
BSS- This is because of the hemorrhoid thing isn’t it Sidious?
Sidious just smiles as Big Sexy heads into the ring as they strap a bat
to his back with Velcro straps, the announcer leaves the ring as Shockwave
motions for the fighters to approach, everyone surrounds him except for Rogue
who continues to stand in his corner…
Shockwave (To Rogue)- Son get over here so I can give the instructions.
Rogue- Oh sorry, I thought you were waving at someone.
Shockwave- Open your eyes son, I need to get this fight started. Okay gentleman I gave you your instructions
in the back. I want a tough, clean
fight. Anyone that can grab the bat off
Big Sexy there * Points to the corner that Big Sexy is standing in * Gets to
use it on his competitors. Obey my
instructions at all times. I want to
see a lot of bloodshed and would like my own shed painted as well. Any questions? * All the competitors shake their heads no * Okay then, Let’s Get
It On!
MS- Okay and there’s the bell! Big Sexy can you hear me?
BSS- Yeah I can hear you, I don’t like this though
Sidio…ahhhh!
Right off the bat, Kris leaps at Big Sexy trying to grab
him. Big Sexy shrieks and ducks as
Kris’s head runs straight into the turnbuckle.
Meanwhile BaseVilliN strikes a fighting stance as Rogue charges at him. Rogue throws a punch but has it blocked by
VilliN. VilliN retaliates with a knee
up into Rogues face. Rogue though just
shrugs it off as he grabs VilliN by the shirt and throws three consecutive
punches into VilliN…
MS- Oh man, what a start, it seems Kris really wants that
bat off Big Sexy, and VilliN and Rogue are just deciding to go after each
other. Big Sexy are you there?
BSS (From outside the ring)- Umm, yeah, I guess so, but I
hate this Sidious, they want me, and I don’t like it.
MS- That’s okay BS, you’ll be all right.
Rogue’s first 2 punches miss VilliN all together, but his
third one strikes the wandering warrior in the chest. VilliN shrugs it off though as he clothesline Rogue down to the
mat. Meanwhile Kris regains his feet
and attack VilliN from behind with several kicks to his back. VilliN rears around with a back fist
catching Kris on the side of the head as Kris goes flying across the ring…
BSS- Oh wow, hey Sidious, you wouldn’t believe the sight of
being up close to the action!
MS- Heh, heh that’s okay BS, I’ll stay right here. Awesome
moves from the defensive natured VilliN though as he dropped Rogue with a
beautiful clothesline and then a backhand to Kris sending him into another zip
code.
VilliN turns his attention back to Rogue who is on his
hands and knees. VilliN kicks Rogue in
the ribs twice. On the third try, Rogue
grabs his foot and whips VilliN over top of him and hard down on the mat. Kris meanwhile climbs the ropes and after
sizing up his competitors lands a elbow to Rogues back from the top rope…
MS- Oh wow, what a move from Kris! That top rope elbow drop had to hurt Rogue,
but man he is getting up already, even before Kris!
BSS (Hiding outside the ring)- Heh, heh, man that was an
awesome move. I could see the anger in
Kris’s eyes as he came off the ropes Sidious.
It was awesome!
Rogue meanwhile tries to punch Kris, but due to Kris’s
speed misses horrible. VilliN regains
his feet just as Kris comes by. VilliN
reaches out grabbing up Kris and spins in the air with him. Kris while spinning around latches his legs
to his head causing the two of them to spill out of the ring and to the
concrete…
MS- Wow what a counter to what VilliN was going for. I think it was a sidewalk slam, but Kris
turned it into a Hurricinrana over the top rope. Man is that guy agile.
What about it Big Sexy?
BSS- Can’t talk now, running!
Big Sexy runs around the ring as Kris gives chase to him…
Big Sexy- Get away from me you butt humper. Big Sexy only likes ladies, I only like
ladies!
MS- Calm down BS, he just wants your bat!
BSS- I know he wants my bat! Fricking butt humper that he is!
As Big Sexy rounds the corner Kris gets kicked in the head
as Rogue slides out of the ring. Kris
flies into the barrier and lands on the concrete. Rogue seeing his opportunity, grabs up Kris, lifts him high into
the air, but then a foot comes out of nowhere catching Rogue in the gut from
VilliN.
Meanwhile in the stands, Xel~Naga, Orisis, and Mister EZ
are cheering them on…
Mister EZ- Oh man that had to hurt! Great kick VilliN, kick him again!
Xel~Naga (To Mister EZ)- Oh shut up would you! Come on Rogue, get up, get up!
Orisis- Come on Kris, do some more aerial moves, you have
to keep to the skies!
MS- Man oh man what a battle, just when I thought Kris was
going to be power bomb through the concrete, VilliN unknowingly saves him with
a beautiful crescent kick! How’s it
going Big Sexy?
BSS (Out of Breath)- * Gasp * I need to start jogging again
* Gasp *
Kris tries to climb away but VilliN grabs him by his foot,
lifts him high up into the air and forces him hard down on to the barrier. Kris’s lungs deflate under the blow as he
lies in agony on the floor. As VilliN
turns back around he is meet in the head by a steel chair that Rogue
found. VilliN crashes hard down to the
concrete arena floor. Rogue grabs one
of his legs and twists it around the steel ring post…
Rogue- Time to break a leg VilliN.
VilliN- I do not have need for legs, when I have my teeth!
* As he sinks his teeth into the back of Rogues leg his head is by *
Rogue lets out a shriek as he lets go of VilliN’s leg. He reaches down to his head but has it
grabbed and slammed into the ring post…
BSS- Wow, I didn’t know that VilliN was a biter.
MS- Heh, heh, it’s win at all costs Big Sexy, hey look out!
Big Sexy hearing Sidious’s words looks behind him as Kris
leaps upon his back…
BSS- Ahh, get off me you butt lover! Ah get off me!
Kris- I’ll get off on you all right, just as soon as I grab
your bat!
BSS- Ahh, Homo!
Big Sexy spins around and around as Kris tries to rip the
bat off Big Sexy’s back. Big Sexy
throws himself into the opposite ring post striking Kris’s head off of it. Kris flies backwards off of his back…
Orisis- Oh come on!
Let him grab your bat Big Sexy!
He needs your bat!
BSS (Looking at Orisis)- My god, they are coming out of the
woodwork! Stay away from me, you butt
munchers!
Meanwhile Rogue and VilliN make their way into the ring
where VilliN spins around with his foot catching Rogue in the gut. But as he was doing that Rogue throws a wild
punch catching VilliN in the shoulder.
VilliN and Rogue hit the mat with VilliN holding his shoulder and Rogue
his gut…
MS- Oh man, it looks like VilliN might have had his
shoulder separated from that punch!
BSS- Sidious! I
don’t like this, they all want to touch me!
MS- They just want to touch your bat BS, don’t worry.
BSS- That’s what’s worrying me Sidious, they want my
special little monkey buddy!
Just then Big Sexy gets lifted into the air and meets face
to face with Rogue…
Rogue- Okay give it to me!
Big Sexy- Ah, you fricking butt lover, you can’t have
it! You can’t!
As Big Sexy swipes with his hand into the face of
Rogue. Rogue though tries to rip the
bat off, but the Velcro holds strong.
Kris meanwhile climbs back into the ring on the opposite side of the
ring. Spies Rogue going for the bat,
and with a running start leaps high into the air behind him and connects with a
solid kick to the back of Rogues head, Rogue and Big Sexy fly over the top rope
and back to the floor…
MS- “Running Tiger Kick”, “Running Tiger Kick”, “Running
Tiger Kick!” My god he hit that move,
and Rogue looks to be out of it, as well as on top of Big Sexy! BS are you okay? * Pauses * Big Sexy!
BSS (Starting to come around and realizing a man is on top
of him)- Ahh, get off me you freak, I knew it, I knew it, they want to have sex
with me!
MS- No, he just got kicked by Kris, and he landed on top of
you BS, he doesn’t mean to have sex with you.
BSS- Bull, he wants to have sex with the Sexy One, I know
it. No one can resist my sexiness!
Meanwhile in the ring VilliN regains his feet and with a
swing of his shoulder on the turnbuckle places his shoulder back, as he turns
around though, Kris’s educated feet meet him several times to the head and
body. But they don’t affect him as he
grabs Kris by the leg as a kick is coming in, slams his foot down on Kris’s
free one and swings around with his foot planted on Kris’s, the snap is
unmistakable as Kris hollers in pain.
MS- Oh no, that was the “Hot Foot”! VilliN just got off the “Hot Foot” and Kris
is not in good shape at all, oh man, oh wow!
Rogue meanwhile regained his feet and hops back into the
ring but is met by a boot to the head from VilliN. VilliN continues to stomp on Rogue as he tries to block the
blows. Kris on the other side of the
ring tries to stand on his broken ankle, but falls back to the mat, then tries
to get back up. Rogue though finally
manages to knock VilliN away with a shot to his knee. VilliN spins with a kick at Rogue as he gets up, but Rogue
luckily ducks in the right time and pushes VilliN into the corner. And with several well-placed punches gives
VilliN some awesome Kidney shots.
VilliN though lifts a leg between Rogues and catches him in ye old nut
sac…
BSS- Ouchie! That’s
gotta hurt.
MS- Wow, you said a mouthful there Big Sexy. Just as I though Rogue with his “Kidney
Killers” was going to take down the Base One, he comes out of nowhere with that
kick to the family jewels.
Meanwhile back in the ring, Kris struggles to his feet as
BaseVilliN approaches Rogue as he lays on the ground in agony. BaseVilliN taking the opportunity runs to
the other side of the ring jumps on the second rope and slingshot’s himself off
and flips over landing the point of his feet into Rogues chest. Meanwhile Kris waiting as VilliN lands on
Rogue, launches himself off, outstretching his leg and catching VilliN in the
throat. But Kris used his leg with the
broken ankle and falls over in agony clutching it after landing it across
VilliN’s throat…
MS- Oh man! “Scorpion’s Sting”, “Mountain Top Leg Bomb”,
Scorpions Mountain Top” and the “Top Leg Sting Bomb”! All this exciting action makes me give out the wrong move
names! What an awesome set of moves we
just witnessed. Rogue is down from
VilliN, VilliN got blasted by Kris, and Kris hurt himself! Wow what action, hey Big Sexy?
BSS- …
MS- Big Sexy? Are
you there?
BSS- Shhhhhh Sidious, I’m after something here.
MS- What? What you
after?
Sidious looks to see Big Sexy crawling slowly in the ring
as the competitor writhe in agony. Big
Sexy approaches Rogue and unhooks a chain around his neck.
MS- Big Sexy no!
Don’t do that, he will be pissed!
BSS- I can’t help it Sidious, this shamrock necklace is
just too damn sexy for me to ignore (As he looks at the gold shamrock smiling)
MS- Oh no! Big Sexy
look out!
But is was too late, Rogue got to his feet and noticing Big
Sexy with his prized necklace, grabs Sexy around the back of his neck and picks
him up. Big Sexy quickly hides the
necklace as Rogue stares at him with his free hand opened up in front of him…
Rogue- Give me back my necklace Sexy Boy.
BSS- * Gulp * You mean to have sex with me don’t you? I’m telling you I’m not that way, so please
don’t have sex with me.
Rogue- I don’t want to have sex with you damn it! Just give me the necklace! Before I kick your ass!
BSS- Umm, I can’t, I umm, grown attached to it, it’s now
mine see. (As he puts the necklace on.)
Rogue lifts BS high up and proceeds to act like he is going
to punch him, but then from behind a leg once again meets his knee forcing him
to let go of Big Sexy and hit the mat. Rogue rears around with a punch that
catches Big Sexy on it’s way around knocking him clear across the ring and into
the turnbuckle where Kris is trying to climb the ropes. The force of Big Sexy hitting the turnbuckle
makes Kris lose his balance and crotch himself on the top turnbuckle. Rogue meanwhile is getting the better of
VilliN with several punches to the head and body. On the last punch, Rogue winds his arm up and without extending
his arm and moving close to VilliN smacks him right in the chin sending VilliN
scattering to the mat…
MS- “Hammer Time”, “Hammer Time”, “Hammer Time!” My god he
hit the “Hammer Time” on VilliN! Fight
Fans this is exciting, VilliN is down, Big Sexy is out, Kris is in pain, and
Rogue is, oh no, what is he doing! Oh
no, he isn’t…
Rogue climbed to the outside of the ring and climbs the
ropes in front of Kris. Places Kris’s
head between his legs and lifts him up swiftly to where Kris’s butt is on his
chest with is back parallel with the mat.
Rogue jumps off the ring turnbuckle and lifts his own legs over Kris’s
shoulders. Kris meets the mat taking
the fall full force on his back. The
mat jerks wildly at the collision…
MS- “Doomsday Device”, “Doomsday Device” he hit it, he hit
it, my god he hit it! Kris is out of
this fight to Rogue! He’s dead!
Back in the ring VilliN finally comes to and rolls over to
where Big Sexy is laying, as Rogue rolls away from Kris’s corpse lying in the
ring. VilliN stands grabbing a hold of
the bat on Big Sexy’s back. He tugs and
tugs but the bat does not release. In a
grunt of dissatisfaction he grabs the bat with both hands and lifts Big Sexy
off the mat just as he is coming too and approaches Rogue who turns around to
see him coming with Big Sexy…
MS- Oh wow, Rogue may have eliminated Kris, but here comes
VilliN and he has himself a Sexy Bat!
BSS (Holding his head as he bobs up and down)- Ohhhh my
head, I never experienced feelings like this since that time with Madame
Pain. Ohhhh, hey what the, why am I
hovering?!? Oh god I died! I died! Oh no, no more Love Machine, oh no!
MS- Big Sexy, you didn’t die, VilliN is carrying you! I think he means…. Ooooo * As he closes his
eyes * Not good, not good….
VilliN using his umm, Sexy Bat, swings him at Rogue who
ducks as the swing goes errant and Big Sexy hits his head on the mat…
Big Sexy- Ow! Hey
this isn’t fun! Dang it put me down!
VilliN turns around and swings Big Sexy at Rogue once again
who jumps up and just barely gets missed…
Big Sexy (As he is being swung)- Ooooooooooo! This…….isn’t…S…e...xxxx...yyyyyy!
MS- Oh my, he is certainly wielding the Sexy Bat with some
tremendous force. BS are you all right?
BSS- Aieeeeyyyyyy!
Help Meeeeeee? Send in the
National Guard Sidious, this isn’t fun anymore!
VilliN stalks after Rogue again and swings Big Sexy
upwardly at him. Rogue this time was
not able to get out of the way as Big Sexy’s head meets his. Rogue flies backwards falling to the
mat. VilliN then drops Big Sexy to the
mat and approaches Rogue as he lay on the mat.
VilliN places one foot against his chin as he grabs up his arm, and
grabs a foot with the other. VilliN
starts to fall back to the mat and as he does, his foot gets dislodged from
Rogues chin. VilliN tries to get his
foot back there but isn’t able to as Rogue struggles to get free…
MS- Oh man VilliN is going for his finisher in the “Sand
Trap” but he can’t get it on. I think
Rogue is, well, yes he has Big Sexy!
Rogue reaching out with his free hand as he was being
lifted up, swings Big Sexy around and down on top of VilliN as he tries to get
the hold back on. With Big Sexy landing
on VilliN, it forces him to break the hold…
MS- Oh wow, what a way to get out of that move! I guess we should call it Sexy!
Rogue finds his feet as Big Sexy and VilliN struggle on the
mat…
Big Sexy- * Screams * Ahh get off me! * Screams again
* Ahh stop it, stop touching me!
VilliN (Below him)- Damn it I’m not on you! Get off me!
Big Sexy- * Screams * Ahh I knew you were a fag! I’m not going to get you off, I only get the
ladies off! Hey, who is grabbing my
ass! I kinda like it. (Big Sexy turns
to see Shockwave grabbing at his belt trying to get him off VilliN) * Screams
*Ahh not you too Shockwave, you aren’t one too?
Shockwave- Son get off that man, now!
BSS- * Screams *Ahh, no way, I told you I’m not going to
get him off!
VilliN (Screaming at Big Sexy)- Get off me! Get off me!
Meanwhile Rogue has climbed the ropes and with seeing the
action below, just as Big Sexy * Ahem * gets off VilliN, VilliN scampers to his
feet to only be knocked down again as Rogue comes off the ropes and strikes
VilliN full force in the chest with his feet…
MS- Oh my god, what an aerial move from Rogue! This fighter can do it all! And with Big Sexy getting off VilliN, sure
gave Rogue enough time to pull off that move!
BSS (To Sidious)- I did not get him off!
MS- No, no Big Sexy you got off him, that’s how Rogue was able
to pull off that move, because you wouldn’t get off him, and then you did
allowing Rogue to do that!
BSS (Outside the ring and approaching the announcing
stand)- Damn it Sidious I didn’t get him off!
I only get off ladies!
MS- Not now BS, Rogue is looking to pull off his finisher!
Rogue inside the ring picks up VilliN and places him on the
top turnbuckle facing the audience, he motions to the audience with spinning
his finger in the air in a circle as the fans come to their feet. Rogue climbs the ring and grabs a hold of
VilliN. Places his head between his
legs, lifts him up so his back is parallel with the mat and jumps off the ring
turnbuckle. But as he lifts his legs,
VilliN suddenly sits up just as they are about to hit the mat-forcing Rogue to
take the full brunt on his neck…
MS- Oh man, oh wow, “Doomsday Device”! But he hit it on Rogue, VilliN turned his
own move against him! Doomsday has
come! But not to VilliN, it came to
Rogue, he was playing possum the whole time!
Guess that goes to show how much of a survivor BaseVilliN is eh Big
Sexy?
BSS- I don’t care who won Sidious, they are all gay. And Shockwave grabbed my butt! Well I did kinda like that, but still, he grabbed my butt. And you didn’t help me! I’m mad at you for that! You should have helped me.
MS- I’m sorry Big Sexy, but you are still alive, so all is
good, and check that out * Points out in the audience *
Several naked ladies holding up a 50 foot billboard type
sign reading…
And the winner
is……..Big Sexy!
BSS- Oh yeah baby, Daddies coming home, oh yeah!
MS- Heh, heh, you sure are, well Shockwave is raising Base
VilliN’s arm in victory, and with that you can put a fork in us, cause we are
done, so until next week I’m Master Sidious…
BSS- And I am Big Sexy Stefan The Human Love Machine
saying…
Both Together…Good Fight, Good Night!!!
Editors Note: I want to wish all of you a safe and happy Saint
Patrick’s Day, please be safe tonight and remember, friends don’t let friends
drive drunk. I want to see you all on
Monday.
As the credits roll…
FNWRDM is brought to you by weird ass sports, a subsidiary to Tridus
Inc. The Inc. that means Saint
Patrick’s Day, and how can 1000 leprechauns be wrong?
©FNWRDM™
Friday Night War Room Death Match™ is the sole property of Sid6.9 Enterprises.
Any and all rebroadcasts are strictly prohibited without prior written consent
from Sid6.9 Enterprises