Disclaimer: This is the Friday Night War Room Death Matches! This is not a popularity contest. All contestants and participants are taken from the War Room over
a disagreement, flame war, or just a plain old pig butt nasty insult throwing. Even though the author may have an opinion
about the flame war, he will not let it be known through these stories. The winners are decided in a fair effective
manner. Some of the things said may
upset some readers. So if you have a
weak heart, stomach, or head, have a seizure condition, or any other type of
medical condition that may be set off by low brow humor, I suggest you stop
reading now. I will not be held
responsible if you are shocked, sickened, or upset over what you read, after
all I warned you. And as a reminder,
please ensure you do not try any of the moves in the story at home, as they are
done by highly trained letters with years of experience. Anyway it is just a story! Enjoy!
I’VE SEEN THE EVIL DEEDS THAT MEN DO! I’VE SEEN THE RIGHTOUSNOUS OF TYRANNY AT IT’S HIGHEST LEVELS AND THE CORRUPTION THAT BREEDS FROM IT! I’VE SEEN THE MEANS TO AN END! AND THAT END BEGINS TONIGHT!
An explosion can be heard, as fireworks shoot off like Roman Candles. The music of Scorpions “Rock you like a Hurricane” blares from the house speakers. The lights inside the stadium rocket to life as the cameras pick up the screaming fans as they wave and scream many phrases at the cameras as they pass on by. Many hold their beers in hand, while others hold up many signs, some of them read…
“This whole show is a travesty, you all need to repent”, “Evil is, what
evil does” “Sportscenter is next”, “Foley is God”, “I am the F’n Game”, “Flutie
used to clean my pool”, “Got Milk?”
The cameras pan into the DeathMatch Girls performing for the live
audience in their skimpy outfits. The
television screen changes to the DeathMatch-O-Vision where images suddenly
flash on the screen to the music blaring from the speakers…
Flutie kicking Y2T in the Jimmy, Salmonius slamming a knee into Jack’s
spine, Big Sexy talking to the DeathMatch girls when Peak_Man comes in and
scares them off, Master Sidious and Big Sexy jabbering about something,
CRaZIeMAN jumping off the ring ropes, Y2T blowing a kiss to the fans, FO HEAD
scowling, British……Walking!, Sid6.9 laughing on the ramp…
The screen suddenly explodes as the letters…
appears on the screen. The
letters slowly separate leaving…
Friday Night War Room Death Match
Which then disappear as the stadium erupts in a deafening cheer from the fans. The cameras pan up to a raised platform where 2 darkened figures are sitting. The lights above them turn up revealing the individuals sitting there…
Master Sidious- Welcome Death Match fans! (Sidious stands there as the
fans shower him with a chant “Sidious, Sidious, Sidious!”) Yes that’s right fight fans, I am Master
Sidious, your Master of the Death Match Chat.
And joining me as always is the one and only “Matriarch of Madness” the
“Ruler of Rogaine” and the man that made Viagra a household word….Big Sexy
Stefan!
All the women hold their hands to their chests, with their mouths open,
in anticipation as a larger man stands and takes the mic from Sidious.
Big Sexy Stefan- Oh yeah, that’s right, I am the Big One, the Sexiest
man on the Death Match. I am Big Sexy,
oh so sexy, Stefan! * The ladies
suddenly rip open their shirts and close their eyes * And joining me as always
is……
The ladies in the audience scream “The Human Love Machine” as they try
to climb over the ring barrier and get to Big Sexy Stefan. The Death Match Security Team hold back
these overbearing ladies as Big Sexy jumps up on the announcing desk and do
some gyrating with his hips. The ladies
totally freak out over this…
Big Sexy Stefan (While dancing)- Oh yeah baby, and believe me, the
Human Love Machine is open for business, and oh is business good! But don’t worry ladies, the Love Machine is
a lot like the energizer bunny. I keep
pounding and pounding on your drums all…..night…..long, yeah baby, yeah, now
can you feel it!
The Security Guards start to be overwhelmed…
MS (To Big Sexy)- Oh crap, I think you got them to excited Big Sexy,
tell them to calm down.
BSS- Okay ladies, we know you want the Big Bad Booty Daddy, but don’t
worry there will be plenty of time after the show, to do our own show. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy, as we do
the…
MS and BSS together- Friday Night War Room
Death Match!
The ladies calm down and just stare at Big Sexy with awe as the
announcers continue…
MS- Well ladies and gentleman, we certainly can’t be more happy that
you are here tonight. It is going to be
one helluva wild ride, as this show is going to be one to remember.
BSS- Yep, I can’t wait, but Sidious, what is up with that message at
the beginning of the show? That message
has me a little worried.
MS- I really don’t know Big Sexy, but that message was quite intriguing
to say the least. And if it is true,
than this show may be more memorable than we anticipate.
BSS- Yeah, well, if that happens I’ll protect you Sidious. You did know I was a golden gloves champion?
MS- Heh, heh, kinda hard to protect someone when you are hiding under
the desk Big Sexy.
BSS- I told you Sidious, I was looking for my contact lens!
MS- Contact lens huh? I didn’t
know you wore glasses?
BSS- I don’t…..
MS- You don’t then why do you wear contacts?
BSS (Looking around)- Umm, well you see, I used to have to, but my eyes
recovered by themselves, yeah, and umm, I like how contacts feel in my
eyes….heh, heh yeah that’s it.
MS (Looking closely at Big Sexy)- Eyes recovered by themselves eh? Okay there Big Sexy, well lets get to some
earlier stuff that has been going on backstage. Earlier today, Sid6.9 proclaimed that the nWd would be barred from the arena tonight due to
their, or Fluties, threats to take out our participants before the match
tonight. Well the nWd, in true nWd fashion, rebuffed Sid6.9’s authority, lets take you to
what happened as the Death Match cameras were there to catch all the action…
The screen flickers to life outside the Death Matches, with
a caption above saying “Earlier Today”, as a limo pulls up outside the
arena. The car door opens as a cloud of
smoke and Deathwish DDW comes out back first with a bottle of wine in hand and
lands on his back laughing his ass off.
Flutie then emerges smiling and staring at Deathwish…
Flutie (Kicking at Deathwish)- Dude, come on, get out of my
way.
Deathwish DDW (While rolling over and getting up)- So
anyways I was like shut the hell up and suck it, and she was like “No way” so I
kicked her out of my room, ha, ha, ha it was great!
British starts to get out of the Limo…
British (To Deathwish)- Shut the hell up you bloody wanker,
you know you didn’t have no girl in your room last night.
Deathwish DDW- Shut up British, I did have a girl in my
room last night, and she was good!
British- Yeah I’m sure and I bet she has 5 sisters too,
right?
Deathwish DDW- Huh?
Flutie just stares at British smiling…
British- Rosie Palm, and her five sisters * As he makes a
fist with his hand and jerks it up and down * Ha, ha, ha!
Deathwish DDW- Shut up!
They all get a good laugh as Peak_Man makes his way out of
the roof of the limo…
Peak_Man (With his head out the roof)- Hee, hee, hee Peak
want to meet Rosie!
Flutie (Turning to see Peak_Man’s head out the top of the
limo)- Damn it Peak, the door! The
door! Damn it use the door!
Peak_Man (Looking at Flutie, with eyes lowered)- Sorry
Flutie, Peak_Man been bad again.
Flutie just ignores him as Deathwish DDW shows Peak_Man how
to get out of the car. Flutie makes his
way towards the cameras and 20 security guards by the competitors entrance, and
a man in a white hat…
Flutie- So what he hell is this, the welcoming
committee? (Sarcastic) I didn’t know
you all cared so much. Heh, heh (As he
tries to pass) Out of my way geeks, the nWd needs to
prepare for destru…
Man in the White Hat directs the security guards to stand in their way…
Man in White Hat- I’m sorry gentleman, but under orders from Sid6.9,
you are barred from the building tonight.
British- What the hell? You
wankers get out of our way, we don’t give a rats ass what Sid6.9 says…
Flutie (As he moves closer to the Man in White Hat)- Yeah who the hell
does Sid6.9 think he is barring us from the building?
Man in White Hat (To Flutie)- Sir, please take a step back. We do not need an unstable element
interrupting the proceedings tonight.
And you are all that unstable element.
Deathwish DDW (Laughing)- Ha, ha, unstable, now that’s a laugh. The only thing that is unstable is that outfit
you got on.
Flutie (Grabbing the mans tie)- You know what I think about that?
The Man in the White Hat tries to back away as the security guards get
a little nervous as the rest of the nWd make
their way towards all of them…
Man in White Hat- Sir, please, just leave and there won’t be any
trouble. The Death Matches don’t
require you all here tonight. Please we
do not want a confrontation, just please leave and everything will be all
right.
Flutie (Narrowing his eyes on the Man in the White)- Well you see
there’s the problem.
Man in White Hat- Just please leave, we do not want a confrontation
with you all.
The security team tighten their grips on their batons as British,
Peak_Man, and Deathwish make a semi-circle around them and the brick wall…
Flutie- Ya see everything will be all right, and we will leave. (As he
pats the Man in the White Hat on the chest) OVER YOUR BROKEN BODIES!
And Flutie slugs the Man in the White Hat full in the face as he slumps
to the ground. The nearest security
guard swings his billy club at Flutie striking him solidly in the
shoulder. Flutie however just stands
there, kicks the man in the groin and quickly spins the man around, reaches his
arm around the front of his neck.
Places the security officers neck on his shoulder and drops quickly to
the ground snapping his neck back as the security officer goes limp.
Meanwhile Deathwish DDW spun around kicking 3 officers in the face
sending them sprawling. British drives
back to officers into the wall with a tackle, stands up and spins around with a
fist catching another full force in the face.
Peak_Man though had 7 officers immediately jump on him and beat him to
the ground. Suddenly Peak gives a
mighty roar and throws his arms up sending 5 of the officers scattering backwards,
leaving 2 still standing and trying to beat on him. Peak spins and grabs the
first one by the neck and picks him up and planting him hard head first into
the concrete. The other guard tries to
run, but is grabbed under the arm as Peak_Man sticks his head under his arm and
with a roar, lifts him up and slams him hard down to the concrete.
The remaining 6 security officers look at one another, drop their
sticks and run away as the nWd stand there
admiring their work…
Deathwish DDW- Heh, heh, security!
Ha, these bozos couldn’t even protect a cup of warm piss.
Flutie- Heh, yeah, Sid6.9 sure did go limp on spending for some
protection. Heh, he should have
invested in some real protection.
British- Yeah mate, the nWd protection
agency.
Peak_Man- Peak hungry!
Everyone just looks at Peak_Man and laughs, then start to make their
way in. Flutie seeing the camera stops
and looks at it…
Flutie- Heh, what you all looking at?
Huh? Well I’ll give ya something
to look at!
And the last image is Fluties hand meeting the cameras lens.
The camera feed switches back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy Stefan…
MS (Grimaces)- Well it looks like the nWd
is in the house.
BSS- Yep and there went the neighborhood. I think Sid needs some better security.
MS- Yeah we sure do, but we can’t worry about them, cause we have a
show to do. So lets take a look at
tonight’s match-up shall we Big Sexy?
BSS- Okay, our first competitor tonight is one mean PKer…..Ehhh,
Sidious, did we find out what a P….K….er…..is yet?
MS- Yep we sure did Big Sexy. A
PKer is also none as a Player Killer!
Ya see, they see Players and then they kill them, hence Player Killer.
BSS (Shuffling his papers)- Oh okay, well anyway this….umm, Sidious?
MS- Yeah Big Sexy.
BSS- But I’m a player. Does
that mean they want to kill me too?
MS- No, no Big Sexy not that kind of player.
BSS- Well I do have my Players card right here! (While Big Sexy pulls
out a card to the Players Club Strip House, Gold Edition.)
MS- Heh, heh, no Big Sexy, the mean games, Player Killers killing other
Players in the game Diablo.
BSS- Oh okay, well anyway, the man we are talking about is PegLegBoy,
and man is this man one mean Hillbilly from the foothills of Montana. This man has got some serious moves to
display, and that peg leg of his doesn’t slow him down one bit. This man is one heck of a competitor who
attacks with impunity. One bad thing
about Peggy is that he has no defensive nature about him. In fact we hear that he is known to like to
be hit, and welcomes it. (Turns to Sidious)Probably explains why he looks the
way he does. (Turns back to the cameras) So this man will try to make life
difficult for his competitor with moves like the “Wheelbarrow Roll” and the
“Possum Plunge” are certainly good moves to set up his finisher…. “The
Pegging”.
MS- Wow, like I said before, this man sounds like one you do not want
to cross, and by the way fight fans, it appears that the entire INFENO cl…
BSS (Leans over to Sidious)- Psst, Sidious, they don’t like to be
called a clan, I heard they will skin anyone for doing that.
MS- Oh Big Sexy, that’s just a folk tale. Anyway the entire group known as INFERNO is here tonight to
witness the match.
BSS (Looking through his binoculars)- Oooooo they are a surly looking
bunch they are. Oh wow, that one
toothless dude just spit some chewing tobacco over the ring!
MS- Wow, that is some spitting power.
BSS (Putting down the binoculars) * Sniff * Ahhh that’s nothing
Sidious, I’m always spitting over at least 20 girls hea…
MS- Big Sexy!!! This is a
family show, we don’t want to hear about your, umm, spitting. Anyway I think we need to get on to our next
competitor for tonight’s match-up.
BSS (Looking Depressed)- Oh well okay.
So PegLegBoy’s competitor tonight is the man straight out of
Hollywood! He is a CO-OPer at
heart…..Umm okay Sidious do we know what a CO-OPer is?
MS- Yes, yes, I got it right here BS….Umm, okay a CO-OPer is a person
that Co-operates.
BSS- What? Co-operates? Umm, but Sidious, if he is going to
Co-operate, then how, or why is he fighting.
MS- No, no Big Sexy, he isn’t going to Co-operate with his opponent
tonight, he just Co-operates with others.
BSS- Then he isn’t a CO-Oper than right? Since he won’t Co-operate against his opponent he isn’t a true
CO-OPer right?
MS- No, no BS, he is a CO-OPer, just not with people he doesn’t like.
BSS- Uh-huh, well I don’t like this Sidious. So anyway the CO-OPer is a man of a million defensive moves. And his name really reflects that, as he is
Shaidar Hardan. I mean this man knows
how to block any kind of offensive move.
But he does lack the skill of attacking his foes. But that won’t stop the moves he pulls to at
least punish his opponents attacks.
Some of the great moves he uses are the “Jahar Missile Plex” and the
“Jumping Rim Shot” are some of his basic moves. This man does though have on move that he uses to attack his foes
and it is known simply as “Dragomars Death Touch”.
MS- Okay, thanks BS, I…
BSS- Hold on Sidious I still don’t understand this whole PK and CO-OP
thing. I mean what if PLB CO-OPs with
SH?
MS- Well if PLB CO-OPs with SH, then SH won’t PK the PKer in PLB who,
if he CO-OPs with the CO-OPer than everyone will CO-OP, and we will see the
worst fight ever in the death matches.
BSS- So if the PKer PLB is PK’d by SH, then he won’t CO-OP cause the
CO-OPer is a PKer, and that means that PLB won’t CO-OP and be a PKer?
MS- Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping for.
BSS (Looking rather tired)- Umm, Sidious, all this talk about PKers and
CO-OPers is making me dizzy, I think I'm going to lie down now. (As Big Sexy
climbs under the announcing table and lays down.)
MS- That’s okay Big Sexy, cause we have to get to Mother Love right now
who is with our first participant, PegLegBoy.
Mother Love, are you there?
Mother Love- Hi sugar, Mother Love is here. B-b-b-ut where is Big Sexy.
You know he puts the jelly in my jelly donut!
MS- Heh, heh, umm, Big Sexy is lying down on the job right now
Mother.
ML- Well if you see him, tell him Momma’s got a hankering, a hankering
for what’s in his drawers!
Mother Love turns and the camera spins onto a man standing there with a
giant wad of chewing tobacco firmly placed between his lips, wearing overalls,
and a Lynard Skynard T-shirt underneath.
The man has several missing teeth and overalls are covered in a brown
substance. The man looks at Mother Love
and gives a toothless smile as he moves closer to her.
ML (Taking a step away from PLB and holding the mic out and her nose)-
Umm, so okay PegLegBoy, tonight you face the man known to be one of the leaders
of the CO-OPers, any thoughts on him…
PLB (Grabbing on to Mother Loves shirt)- Uh-huh, uh-huh, I ha’e a
thoght ab’t you thar lil’ darlin’. You
sur are purty!
ML (Shooing away his hand)- Ooooooo, I, umm, am like married or
something.
PLB- We’ll that be aw righ’ thar, u don’ need to worry ‘bout that thar
husban of yours. I’ll treat him jus’
right too (While giving another toothless smile) Hey are we li’e on that tube
box thingy righ’ now? (While looking at the camera)
ML- Do you mean TV?
PLB- Uh-huh, uh-huh, my cousin Gummy Joe had one of them thar talking
movie boxes back a few years ‘go.
ML- Well yes, we are on TV right now.
PLB- (To the camera) Huh, huh, huh, huh, hey thar Mary-Lou you bes’ be
min’in them thar young ins, Daddies comin’ home soon! (While waving at the
camera, then licking the camera) Uh, uh, hey this here pic’ure taking thingy
tastes funny.
Mother Love(Trying to pull PLB away from the camera)- Well back to you
guys.
As the camera is about to switch though, the last image seen is PLB
chasing around Mother Love screaming…
PLB- Oh yeah, I’ goin’ to ride youz all like a saddle bag tonigh’!
The cameras switch back to Master Sidious…
MS- All right thanks Mother Love, well fight fans it seems Big Sexy is
still a little too tired to give his opinion about the figh…* Puts his finger
by his ear * Umm, there seems to be something going on in the back, lets head
there now!
The cameras switch to the back where Flutie can be seen holding a
shorter, smaller man against a wall, while the other nWd
members are in attendance nodding and laughing…
Flutie- Oh yeah, your that fucking little punk that jumped my cousin
Hank aren’t you!?!
The Kid- Yeah, I shoved my foot right up his punk ass and kicked his
tonsils straight into his nose!
Peak_Man (Laughing)- Hee, hee, hee in his nose, Peak like to do that
too!
Flutie just glances over his shoulder at Peak_Man and gives a scowl,
while British slaps Peak in the arm.
Peak grabs his arm and pouts, then smacks British across the room. British picks up a trash can and with curses
comes back at Peak_Man…
Flutie- Okay you punks, cut the shit!
(Turning back to the kid) Well I’d have to say you got some big balls
there for a punk that’s about to see the inside of his ass!
The Kid- Screw off asswipe, I could take your ass easy in the ring!
That makes Flutie and the rest of the nWd
laugh their asses off. Flutie motions
for Deathwish DDW…
Deathwish DDW- Yeah what’s up.
Flutie- Heh, heh, hey dude, remember that giant rat we caught two weeks
ago?
Deathwish DDW- Yeah?
Flutie- Do we still have it?
Deathwish DDW- Oh yeah.
Flutie- Go get it, I’m sure that after two weeks of no food and
Peak_Man poking it with sticks should really make that rat hungry and pissed,
wouldn’t you think?
Deathwish DDW (Gets a big grin on his face)- Oh yeah.
Deathwish DDW walks away as The Kid looks at him quizzically.
The Kid- So where is numb-nuts going, getting your mother?
Flutie- Oh we’ll see just how much of a smart ass you are when I stick
that rat down your pants and see him chew your little Peter off!
The Kid- Well that’s okay cause your mother was already there last
night!
Peak_Man- Ha ha ha!
Flutie turns and scowls at Peak_Man while British hits him up-side the
head and tells him to “Shut the hell up!”
Peak_Man- Peak_Man no need to shut up!
(To British) You shut up!
British (Holding up his other hand and looking at Peak_Man)- You want a
fresh one numb-nuts.
Peak_Man slaps at British and they start to fight…
Flutie (Turning to them)- Okay you chuckleheads cut the crap! We got nWd
business to take care of here! Peak, go
stand in the corner and don’t come out until I say so!
Peak_Man- Awww unfair Flut. He
start it!
Flutie- I said go!
Peak_Man pouts again as he turns to go to the corner while British
sticks his tongue out at him. Flutie
turns back to The Kid again…
Flutie- You know I just had a thought.
The Kid- Really a thought, you, you had a thought? Congratulations!
Flutie (Looking confused)- What do you mean congratulations?
The Kid- For having your first ever thought! I bet your head hurts now.
Flutie- Well actuall, hey!
Ohhhh I’m just gonna fuck you up right now!
Suddenly there is a ruckus from behind him with crashing glass being
heard…
Flutie (Still looking at The Kid)- All right you two I’ve (Starts to
turn) had…..oh shit!
Smack, crack, smash and through the air does Flutie Fly as The Kid hits
the concrete on his butt…
The Kid (Getting up rubbing his butt and kicking Flutie in the ribs)-
Ha, ha, bonehead, looks like the only one fucked up is you!
The Kid glances away from Flutie and too a very upset Y2T…
Y2T (Grabbing him by the scruff of his neck)- MysteryMan, what the hell
did I tell you?!? Huh?!?
MysteryMan (Looking scared)- Well, he, I just want…
Y2T- Hush! You just wanted to
get killed is what you wanted! Now what
did I tell you!
MysteryMan (Looking at the floor)- To not leave the dressing room.
Y2T- To not leave the dressing room, that’s right! Now what ever crossed your mind to leave the
dressing room and leave yourself open to these thugs? (While waving his hand
over the unconscious British and Flutie)
MysteryMan- I was thirsty.
Y2T- I told you to drink the Pru…
MysteryMan (Getting loud)- I don’t like Prune Juice, it’s for old
fogies!
Y2T (Tightening his grip)- I drink Prune Juice!
MysteryMan- Eep!
Y2T- I say you drink nothing but Prune Juice, I mean you drink nothing
but Prune Juice.
MysteryMan- Yes sir Tridus sir.
Y2T- Good, now lets get out of here before (Looking over his shoulder)
Peak_Man over there realizes that we just beat up British and Flutie.
MysteryMan (As he walks away with Tridus)- But sir, why don’t we just
kill them right here, right now Tridus sir.
Y2T (Looking at him and smiles)- You don’t listen all that well, you
have the balls like I said, but no brains.
We don’t kill anyone outside of the Death Match ring, cause that is not
our way, the Death Match way. And stop
with the “sir” crap, the “Iootolah of Rock and Rolla” is no sir.
MysteryMan- Okay, sorry, I just don…
Y2T (putting up a hand in MysteryMans face)- Not now grasshopper,
enough questions for today.
And Y2T and MysteryMan disappear down the hall as we go to commercials…
“Jimmy! What did I tell you about eating before
dinner! Give me that candy bar!”
As mom snatches the candy
bar from Jimmy…
“Awww but mom, I’m hungry,
can’t I have something to eat?”
“Okay Jimmy, you can have 1,
and I mean only 1 DeathMatch Power Bar.”
“Yah” as Jimmy goes running
to the kitchen grabbing a DeathMatch Power Bar.
Jimmy takes a bit of the
Power Bar and suddenly in a giant poof of smoke, there is Y2T standing before
Jimmy’s mom, as she slaps a hand upside her cheek…
“Jimmy what happened to
you!”
“Nothing mom, DeathMatch
Power Bars make you into a Death Match Competitor! And I don’t want that same old boring spaghetti! The “Iootolah of Rock and Rolla” is tired of
your boring old dinners! So give the fans
what they want, give the fans a proper dinner so they won’t get sick ever, and
I mean e-e-e-e-e-ver agaiiiinn!”
“Why of course honey! I’ll get right on it!”
As Y2T holds up the Power
Bar and winks as the announcer speaks…
DeathMatch Power Bar, just
one bite is all attitude! Get your
DeathMatch Power Bars from any participating stores!
The cameras switch back to inside the Death Match arena where Master Sidious and Big Sexy are sitting…
MS- Well welcome back fight fans!
And look who has joined us again, Big Sexy Stefan!!! * As all the ladies
scream and yell again * So how ya feelin’ big guy?
BSS- Shue, I’m still a little woozy, so what did I miss?
MS- Y2T.
BSS- Really? Was he out here?!?
MS- No he was back laying a beating on British and Flutie and saving
some young kids butt.
BSS- What was that? He was
doing what to whose butt?
MS- No, no not to it, saving it, Flutie was going to kill a
“Tridaholic” when Y2T stepped in.
BSS- And I missed it all? Damn
it, wake me up the next time Y2T is doing some ass-kicking.
MS- Okay, I’ll be sure to wake you up too when Mother Love asks for you
too.
BSS- No, no, that’s okay, I don’t need to speak to Mother Love, or see
her for that matter.
MS- Well too late Big Sexy, cause she is with Shaidar Hardan right now.
BSS- Oh crap! * As he dives underneath the table *
Mother Love (With Shaidar Hardan)- Well Shaidar you certainly do have
your work cut out for you tonight. Any
thoughts on your competitor?
Shaidar Hardan (Wearing a golden robe)- My sister, I am a man of love
and forgiveness. My competitor is one
that if given the chance to forsake his PK ways, he would be welcomed into the
lands of the CO-OPer with open arms. I
tonight give PegLegBoy that chance to join us in our land of happiness and joy.
Mother Love- Well what if he doesn’t want to join you though? Any thoughts on if you are going to defend
yourself?
Shaidar Hardan- Mrs. Love, Shaidar is a peaceful man that means to
CO-OP with everyone. If the PLB decides
to attack, I will defend myself, but it will not be I that draws first blood. I’m asking PLB to think about what he is
doing and repent for his PKing sins. He
shall be forgiven if he does, and stroked down if he does not.
And Shaidar Hardan walks away before she can ask another question…
Mother Love- Okay, well back to you Sidious.
MS- Okay thanks Mother, well fight fans it seems that Shaidar is trying
to convert PegLegBoy…
BSS (From under the desk)- Is she gone?
MS- Yes BS you can come out now.
BSS (Looking at Sidious)- Damn Sidious, she has been a handful lately
with all the fruit baskets she’s been leaving outside my door. And the strange part is, I don’t even like
fruit!
MS- Well not even grapes? or
Strawberries?
BSS- Heh, heh, only if I get to eat them off naked women. Hint, hint to all the lovely ladies out
there!
MS- Sorry I asked.
BSS- Hell Sidious, I would even eat raw fish off ‘em too!
MS- Big Sexy I think you would eat anything off a naked woman, wouldn’t
you?
BSS- (Thinks to himself for a minute)…………………………………….Yes, yes I would.
MS- Well I think * Puts his hand up to his ear * What’s that? There’s a ruckus in the back? I think (Big Sexy comes over and places his
ear by his) Back up of me BS, you are violating my privacy zone.
BSS- Well why can’t I have one of those ear information thingies?
MS- Yeah right Big Sexy, after that incident in the back where the girl
lost her top and you went ape shit trying to get back there yourself, I think
not. Anyway there is something going on
in the nWd locker room. Lets head there now!
The camera switches to the back where Flutie is going absolutely
insane…
Flutie- What the hell is going on? (While yelling at Peak_Man) Where
did he go Peak!?!
Peak_Man- I don’t know Flut, I was standing in corner.
Flutie- Bah! Well then where
the hell were you when Y2T was jumping us from behind?
Peak_Man- I was sta…
Flutie- I know you were in the corner! You had to hear the commotion
you dim wit moron!
Peak_Man (Getting visibly upset)- Don’t yell at me Flut, I just doing
what you told Peak to do.
British meanwhile is shaking his head at Peak_Man while holding an ice
pack to his eye…
Flutie (Trying to calm down)- All right, all right, then where is
Deathwish? I sent him to get the rat,
and well, the rat is still here, but he isn’t.
Do any of you know where he is?
Both Peak and British shake their heads no as they look at the floor…
Flutie- Well god damn it, does anyone know anything at all! What the fuck is going on! (Looking at the camera) God damn it, get the
fuck out of here!
Flutie shoves the cameraman out the door and continues to rant and
rave…
The camera switches back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy…
BSS- Wow, is he pissed, I sure hope he doesn’t come out here.
MS- Hopefully we will not be blessed by his presence tonight anymore,
hey I think the fight is about ready to get going!
BSS- Yep and here comes our first one, Shaidar Hardan.
Shaidar Hardan comes out to a mighty ovation as the music from the
motion picture “Ghandi” plays in the background. Many people try to touch his robe, one young child gets knocked
down out of the way as Hardan kneels and helps the youngster up…
Shaidar Hardan- Are you all right my son?
Youngster- W-w-w-why yes sir, Mr. Hardan sir.
Shaidar Hardan tussles the child’s hair and heads into the ring while
waving and touching the patrons as he goes.
As he passes by the INFERNO posse, they all spit large wads of chewing
tobacco on him, and start yelling “Sissy Boy, Sissy Boy, Sissy Boy!”
SH- My people, why are you constantly threatening us CO-OPers like
this? We just want to get along and
play games friendly and without all yo…
INFERNO member (Spitting a large chew wad into his face)- Shu’ up u
dirty C’Per! PegLeg gonna mak’ ya pay,
hear!
Shaidar Hardan wipes the chew spit from his face and holds an index
finger out towards the INFERNO members as they laugh at him…
SH- All shall be forgiven brother, just repent and renounce your PK
ways, and you shall be welcomed into the valley of CO-OPers.
They all stare at him for a second and begin to laugh hard again…
A different INFERNO member- Ha, ha, har, har, yeah thar preacher
boy! I sha’ be forgiven aw right, oh
yeah. Yah as I walk through the valley
of Pussies I sha’ kill all C’OPers.
All the other INFERNO members look at their friend and begin to laugh
hard. Shaidar Hardan just shakes his
head and enters the ring and walks over to Shockwave and kneels before him…
MS- Wow, it certainly seems that Shaidar there has a lot of
self-control.
BSS- Well if I were him I would stuck my foot up one of there asses so
bad, he would be my permanent shoe! Man
I hope he isn’t going to just stand up there and try to be nice tonight, cause
I’m really in the mood to see some blood!
MS- Heh, heh, couldn’t agree more with you Big Sexy. But what is Shaidar doing in the ring at
Shockwave’s feet?
BSS (Looking through his binoculars)- It appears he is blessing
Shockwave’s feet. (Puts down the
binoculars) Now why in the hell would he be doing that?
MS- I don’t know BS, I don’t know.
Meanwhile in the ring Shockwave is watching Shaidar Hardan with earnest
as he bows at his feet and chants…
SH- Oh bless these feet as they partake in the safety of all that dwell
within. Oh humper dildo!
Shockwave- Humper Dildo? What
the hell son?
SH (Taking out some water)- Oh bless these feet as the partake in the
drinking of the water of life. * Pours some water on Shockwave’s feet * Bless
th…
Shockwave (Jumping from the corner)- Ahhh, hey that shit is cold
son!
Shockwave reaches down and grabs of Shaidar Hardan who is smiling at
him…
Shockwave- Okay son, enough with the water on my feet, and don’t make
me tell you where to take your Humper Dildo’s either!
Shaidar Hardan- I prostrate myself upon you kind sir * As he bows
before him *
Shockwave (Backs off from him holding his hands up)- Okay son, you are
not doing anything to my prostrate, just back up off me.
MS- Well it seems whatever Shaidar Hardan is doing Shockwave certainly
doesn’t like it.
BSS- Well I can’t say I don’t blame him, if I had a dude bowing before
me, I’d be a little apprehensive too.
MS- Heh, heh, point taken BS.
Hey I hear Alabama!
BSS- Heh, heh, that good old mountain music. You gotta love them mountain people, they sure do have some good
hoes down on there mountains.
MS- Umm, that is ho-downs Big Sexy, not that they have good hoes on
their mountains.
BSS- You mean…
MS- Yep, it’s just a figure of speech…
BSS- Damn it, and I was ready to go get some hoes.
PegLegBoy makes his way out from the back to the music of Alabama’s
“Mountain Music” while carrying a chicken and a possum.
PegLegBoy hears nothing but chorus of boos as he gives a toothless
smile and continues to walk…
PegLegBoy (Down by the INFERNO team)- Her’ Jasper, hol’ on to Maybell
and Gret’ude for me awhile I kick the nan’y boys ass!
The members of INFERNO slap him on the back wishing him to throw him
out to them after he is done. PegLegBoy
makes his way into the ring just as the Announcer Dude picks up the mic…
MS- Well with the participants in the ring, it looks like it is time
for the announcements…
Announcer- Hello ladies and gentleman!!! * The fans start to give a mild cheer * I and the rest of the
Death Match staff would like to welcome you all here to the fabulous DebtAngel
Stadium of Debtness! * The fans chant
in unison “Angel, Angel, Angel!” * This
contest tonight is brought to you be Schlitz beer, cause if it’s good enough
for Ho-Bo’s it is good enough for the Death Matches! * The fans boo loudly as they spray their Schlitz Beer into his
eyes. * So fight fans are you ready! * The fans cheer a little * I said! Fight Fans!
Are You Ready! * The fans give a
mighty cheer * Then lets get ready to Rummmmmbbbbbblllllleeeeeeeeee! * The fans go absolutely bonkers * In this
corner we have the man that likes to kill anything and everyone. He is the backwoods assassin, the mountain
top brick thrower, he is PegLegBoy!!!!
* The fans boo incessantly at him * And his foe for tonight’s battle is
none other than the holy warrior! The
man of a 1000 defensive holds, his holiness Shaidar Hardan!!!! * The fans cheer madly at him *
MS- Okay there goes Announcer Dude from the ring and Shockwave is
motioning for the fighters to approach him…
BSS- Heh, heh, correction Sidious, he is now telling PegLegBoy to go
away. Ha, ha, that mountain boy must
stink something fierce.
Shockwave (While holding his nose)- Okay I tried to give you your
instructions in the back. But you
didn’t listen to me then, and I don’t feel like repeating myself now. So lets just have a messy kick ass fight and
be done with it! Let’s get it on!
MS- All right, and there’s the bell and this fight is underway!
In the ring Shaidar Hardan stands by the ring ropes just staring at
PegLegBoy who is standing there looking back with a large piece of drool
hanging 2 feet dangling out of his mouth…
BSS- Umm, Sidious, they aren’t doing anything!
MS- Hmm, hold on Big Sexy, they will in a minute, I’m sure of it, just
look at the drool on PLB, he is foaming at the mouth for the chance to get at
Shaidar!
About 10 minutes later, the fans are sleeping and PLB and SH are still
sitting in the same spots…
BSS- Sidious, why aren’t they doing anything? I want them to do something.
MS- Umm, heh, heh, I’m sure I can have Shockwave have them fight. (Gets out the Bullhorn) Shockwave, make them
fight damn it, this is a disgrace.
Shockwave (Pulls out his own Bullhorn)- Screw off Sidious, I don’t make
people fight, I just declare one of them dead.
That isn’t my forte.
Suddenly PLB lets out a startled scream and charges at Shaidar…
BSS- All right, here we go.
PLB reaches Shaidar and tries to punch him. Shaidar using his maneuverability just dodges each punch easily,
then grabs one of PLB’s arms and flips him over. PLB lands on the mat in a thud, looking up as Shaidar moves away
from him…
MS- Wow, what an opening segment to this match. PLB with some amazing punches that hit
nothing but air and Shaidar with an amazing move to put PLB on his back!
BSS- Yeah but why isn’t Shaidar doing anything further, look, he has
him down, why don’t he just jump on him and beat the living crap outta him?
MS- It’s his love for all life Big Sexy, he doesn’t like to hurt.
BSS- Life my ass, this is the death match, I want to see some
hurt! HURT him now you flower child
wearing fag boy!!! I want to see fur
fly!
PLB meanwhile has gotten up and stares at Shaidar…
PLB- Aw right thar boy, I’m a gonna rid’ you like a animal!
SH- My son, all you need is a little love in your heart.
PLB (As he gets in front of him)- Oh, I’ma gonna lov’ ya aw right, lov’
ya like an animal!
As PLB sends a foot out that meets Shaidar’s hand as he pulls him up in
the air and once again down to the mat.
PLB meets the mat and Shaidar moves away from him once again, as the
fans start to boo the action…
MS- Oh man, what a kick, but Shaidar was a little too quick for him
wasn’t he Big Sexy?
BSS- Yeah a little quick in boring me.
MS- Oh come on Big Sexy, we knew that this may happen sometime, when we
would get 2 fighters that compliment themselves a little too well.
BSS- Yeah well if this fight don’t pick up soon, my foot is going to be
complimenting someone’s ass!
MS- Calm down Big Sexy, you know what your Proctologist s…
BSS- Shhhhh, Ixsnay, on the Proxnologisay!
MS- Heh, heh, sorry BS, well look out cause there goes PegLegBoy again.
PegLegBoy rushes right straight at Shaidar again, but as he is just
about to get to him. Shaidar turns to
spin from the direction that PLB is coming, sweeps out his foot to trip him but
doesn’t feel the pressure on his foot of PLB’s leg. Upon fully spinning around Shaidar is met with a elbow right to
his nose from PLB. Shaidar falls
backwards against the ring ropes as his eyes fill up with water and blood flows
freely from his nose. PLB reaches out
grabbing the front of Shaidar’s robe and falls backward to the ground bringing
Shaidar with him. As PLB’s back hits
the mat he brings up both feet into Shaidar’s stomach and with a push forces
Shaidar up and out of the ring where his back meets and greets with the cold
steel of the spectators guard rail.
MS- Oh my god, what a move by PegLegBoy, that was truly poetry in
motion!
BSS- Well it’s about time someone drew some blood. I want to see more damn it more, kill, kill,
kill!
MS- Don’t worry BS, someone always dies in the death matches.
PLB gets up and goes outside the ring where he pulls Shaidar off the
guardrail and punches him in the head twice.
PLB sets him up against the guardrail, backs up about ten feet…
PLB- Yee, haw! I’m ‘bout to
ride you like a one-eyed donkey!
MS- Uh-oh here comes “The Wheelbarrow Roll!”
BSS- He hits this against the guardrail and Shaidar is going to be done
for!
PLB with a scream charges at his opponent as he lays slumped against
the guardrail. As he makes it to him
though, Shaidar suddenly stands and grabs PLB.
With PLB’s movement Shaidar steps to the side of him lifting PLB into
the air like a missile and launches him off in the direction he came from. PLB flies straight into the far guardrail
headfirst…
MS- Oh wow, what a turn of events, he turned PLB’s move against him and
got off the “Jahar Missile Plex” and man oh man was that sweet wasn’t it BS!
BSS (Breaking out the nachos)- Can’t talk Sidious, eating and enjoying
the fight!
MS- Heh, heh okay Big Sexy, it looks like Shaidar is actually following
up his first real offensive move of this match!
Shaidar picks up PLB and tosses him back into the ring. PLB tries to stagger to his feet as Shaidar
climbs the turnbuckle. PLB gets up on
his feet and looks over seeing him on the ropes. PLB charges hoping to knock him off the ropes just as Shaidar
jumps from the ropes over PLB. PLB
reaches up grabbing a foot and starts to bring Shaidar down to the mat. Shaidar crumples up into a ball and before
he hits the ground trusts his free foot right straight up PLB’s ass!
MS- “Jumping Rim Shot”, “Jumping Rim Shot”, my god the “Jumping Rim
Shot!”
BSS- Oh man, that had to hurt PLB!
Look at him, he is down, and isn’t looking like he will be able to sit
for quite sometime.
MS- I think Shaidar is going to finish him off!
Shaidar approaches PLB and lifts and picks him up…
Shaidar- PegLegBoy, I do not wish to end your life like this. Please just re-nounce your ways and you
shall be forgiven.
PegLegBoy (Spits in his face)- I’d ra’her drink Turpentine and piss on
a b’ush fire!
Shaidar lifts his hand, and points a finger at PLB when suddenly….
MS- Ah hell not again!
The lights inside the Death Match arena dim and flicker then totally
shut off as a voice speaks from the intercom system...
Behold all non-believers of the faith! The time is at hand, a time for you all to witness that which is your doom. Death is listening, and soon your screams will please his ears! Death is waiting, waiting for all of you, and I am the deliverer!
The DeathMatch-O-Vision suddenly flashes with a giant white flashing Zero, as chanting can be heard…
MS- Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Who the hell is doing this crap.
Well you can’t scare us creepy voice from the darkness. Why don’t you come out and Big Sexy and I
will cure what ails ya, with a good ass whipping! Right Big Sexy? Big Sexy?
Sidious starts to look around for Big Sexy when he realizes there is
something holding on to his leg…
MS- Damn it Big Sexy, get off my leg * While trying to shake him off
his leg*
BSS- Uh-uh, no way, didn’t you hear him Sidious, he said “Death is
waiting to hear our screams” Uh-uh no way I’m coming out!
MS- Come on Big Sexy (While tugging on him) Can’t you see, there’s
nothing to worry about?
BSS- Fuck that! That Zero guy
is coming to get us, get us all! All
HAIL THE ZERO, ALL HAIL THE ZERO before it’s too late!
MS (Slaps Big Sexy)- Snap out of it Big Sexy! It’s nobody but Peter!
Damn it, you fool can’t you see that?
Now get out here and show that little punk who’s boss! Come on Big Sexy, you’re a dog, a big ass
mean viscious dog that bites!
BSS (Looks up with worried eyes at first, then a little more
confident)- Woof, woof!
MS- Yeah that’s right Big Sexy, Get up here like the big dog you are
and fight, fight for the death match right!
BSS- WOOF, WOOF!
MS- Yes, yes that’s right, come on big dog, give him the what for! And stop humping my leg damn it!
BSS (Starts to climb out from under the desk)- Sorry Sidious, just
trying to get into the role.
Big Sexy climbs the desk as the Zero continues to flash as the fans and
participants stare at it…
Big Sexy- Okay you creepy voice thing you! You can’t scare us, cause we will kick your ass all over the
place! Oh yeah, and if you want, bring
old death with ya, cause my size 12 really wants to meet and greet with his
buttocks! Ya hear me creepy dude, you
can’t scar…
SILENCE!!! I’M not finished
yet!
BSS (From under the desk)- Sorry creepy dude, Sidious made me do it!
Ha! You think you can beat me? You think you can stop what has never been defeated? Big Sexy I will make an example of you for your comments.
BSS (Smacks Sidious’s leg)- Damn it Sidious, now the Zero is mad at me,
thanks a lot!
For the rest of
you………………………Dying time is here!
Suddenly the lights suddenly come back on, a girl in the front row screams as everyone looks up. A body can be seen trying to hold on to the rafters as suddenly something reaches out and smacks the persons hands away. The body flies down at an incredible rate. Shockwave, PLB and Shaidar barely get out of the way as the person flies straight into the mat with a sickening thud…
MS- Oh my god!!! No, it, no, why did he, I, oh god no!!!
BSS (Climbing out from under the desk)- Huh, what, what is going
on? (Looks in the ring) Hey why is
Deathwish in the ring? I didn’t know he
was fighting tonight.
Sidious just stares at Big Sexy while the other nWd members hit the ring checking on their fallen
friend. Flutie tries to revive the
fallen Deathwish but cannot as he is gone.
Flutie holds his head down for a minute as Shaidar Hardan and PLB approach…
Shaidar Hardan- I grieve for your loss my friend. * As he touches Fluties shoulder *
Flutie suddenly rears up under Shaidar’s arm, and with a quick movement
grabs the front of his neck and jumps in the air and lands with Shaidar’s neck
on his shoulder. The snap is
unmistakable as Shaidar’s body goes limp to the ground…
MS- Oh god no Flutie, why’d you give him the “Just Plain Steve, Baby”
for! Damn it Flutie he had nothing to
do with it.
BSS- Well wait a minute Sidious, we don’t know that.
Meanwhile in the ring, PLB begins to laugh hysterically at what he
saw. Flutie motions for Peak_Man, who
with a movement that PLB never even say scopes him up in one fist and turns him
to British who smashes on of his huge hands over PLB’s head, breaking his neck.
MS- Aw damn it, why did they do that, this is so wrong Big Sexy, this
is not right.
BSS (Munching on some popcorn)- Right, wrong, who cares, this is the
Death Match, and I’m finally getting what I want. People dying.
MS (Reflects on that for a moment)- You know Big Sexy, you are right,
screw it, the winners of this match is, well what the hell, Deathwish DDW!
BSS (Looks at Sidious)- Yeah, Deathwish deserves the moment, for his
sacrifice. But I’m still worried
Sidious, this guy seems really serious.
And I don’t think it is Peter.
MS- I think you are right Big Sexy, but we will have to wait ‘til Monday to find out more about this, so until then, I’m Master Sidious…
BSS- And I’m Big Sexy Stefan saying…
Both Together- Good Fight, Good Night!!!
As the credits roll…
FNWRDM is brought to you by weird ass sports, a subsidiary to Tridus
Inc. The Inc. that wears no pants!
©FNWRDM™
Friday Night War Room Death Match™ is the sole property of Sid6.9 Enterprises.
Any and all rebroadcasts are strictly prohibited without prior written consent
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