Disclaimer: This is the Friday Night War Room Death Matches! This is not a popularity contest. All contestants and participants are taken from the War Room over
a disagreement, flame war, or just a plain old pig butt nasty insult throwing. Even though the author may have an opinion
about the flame war, he will not let it be known through these stories. The winners are decided in a fair effective
manner. Some of the things said may
upset some readers. So if you have a
weak heart, stomach, or head, have a seizure condition, or any other type of
medical condition that may be set off by low brow humor, I suggest you stop
reading now. I will not be held
responsible if you are shocked, sickened, or upset over what you read, after
all I warned you. And as a reminder,
please ensure you do not try any of the moves in the story at home, as they are
done by highly trained letters with years of experience. Anyway it is just a story! Enjoy!
******************BOOM, BOOM, BOOM*******************
The Fireworks shoot off in several directions as the lights go dark and the music of Beastie Boys “Fight for your Right” is blaring out of the house speakers. 13 scantily dressed women begin to gyrate and move to the music as their breasts bounce up and down. The DeathMatch-O-Vision springs to life with many images…
Peak_Man terrorizing random fans, Flutie pushing a backstage hand as he walks in, Y2T signing some autographs, Big Sexy getting caught undoing a girls bra, SL 27 and Disgruntled Gamer fighting in the ring, Wacky Akky laughing at the camera, Deathwish DDW spitting on a random forumer. Y2T spearing Sid6.9, SM_007 kicking British in the head, Deathwish DDW flying off the top rope, FO HEAD striking a pose…
The action suddenly explodes as words cover the screen…
The fans scream at the sight of the word and begin to chant “Death Match, Death Match, Death Match!”
The cameras pan down on the many fans inside the inaugural Death Match of the new season. Many of the fans scream and yell, waving their arms madly, and hold up there homemade signs. Some of them read…
“Flutie needs his ass handed to him!”, “Y2T means certain death”, “My mom let me come here!”, “Does anyone have any tickets? Need tickets for next weeks show.”, “Hey Big Sexy, give me back my shoes!”
The cameras settle in on a raised platform where 2 darkened figures take their seats…
Master Sidious- Welcome ladies and gentleman, and welcome back Friday Night War Room Death Matches! * The fans cheer uncontrollable * I am Master Sidious, the master of the death match chat, and joining me as always is the “Man of the Millenium”, the “Catman of Calcutta”, and the man that was the one that was on the grassy knoll on that Dallas morning, Big Sexy Stefan! * The ladies scream and jump up and down *
Big Sexy Stefan- Ahhh oh hell yes, that’s right, that’s right, I am Big Sexy Stefan and with me as always (As he stands and raises his arms, then quickly drops them to his crotch) is the Human Love Machine! * The ladies scream and throw random articles of clothing at Big Sexy * Ahh hold on to them clothes there ladies, there will be plenty of time for you all to dance for the Big Sexy Booty Daddy, oh yeah baby!
MS- Heh heh, okay there Big Sexy. Well what a hot night we are having tonight folks! This is looking like a night for the record books! We have a new death match arena, some wonderful Death Match girls, and a brand new season of death and dismemberment! * The fans start a chant “Crazy, Crazy, Crazy” *
BSS- Are they saying Crazy Sidious?
MS- Yep they certainly are Big Sexy, cause the CRaZIeMAN is in the house tonight, and he is going to be battling. From the crowd I would say he is their favorite.
BSS- Heh heh yep, but the fans don’t fight the match for him, and his opponent is easily the meanest, most vile, most evil competitor we have ever seen in the death matches.
MS- I agree there BS, but the fans do add that extra lift, that competitors need.
BSS- We will see Sidious, we will see, hey, lets go over the fight now.
MS- Not yet Big Sexy, first we need to welcome our special commentator that will be joining us.
BSS- Really? I don’t remember seeing that.
MS- It was on your docket Big Sexy, you don’t have your docket do you?
BSS- Well, umm, no (As he makes tiny circles on his desk with his finger)
MS- Well that’s okay (Reaches and grabs a house mic) Ladies and gentleman, please welcome one of the funniest men in film today. He has stared in several movies such as “So I Married an Axe Murder”, “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” and of course “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”! Please welcome one of the best character actors around in Mike Meyers * As he sweeps his hand towards the entrance *
A bald, pale man starts to walk out as the fans stop cheering and stare at him. A chant slowly starts and builds to a fever pitch as the man, making tiny steps, quickly makes his way to the announcers booth. “Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil”! The man stops just short of the announcers booth and quickly puts a pinky up to his mouth. * The fans cheer uncontrollable *
BSS- Hey, it’s not Mike whatever his last name is, it’s the fabulous actor Dr. Evil! Oh man he is my favorite.
MS- Yeah but Big Sexy, Mike Myers and Dr. Evil are one in the same person.
BSS- No way Sidious, you are not going to trick me again like that, how could he appear on the screen at the same time with Dr. Evil? There is no way possible that could happen, I mean I know Hollywood is far advanced in technology but there is no way he can do both parts at the same time! I would notice these things.
MS- Well ya see Big S…
BSS (Holding up his hand)- Uh, uh Sidious, not this time. He is Dr. Evil, not that lame ass Mike person you are talking about, and here he comes now! (As Big Sexy stands to allow Dr. Evil to come up)
Dr. Evil starts to walk up the stairs but gets his foot caught in some wires and trips, he falls hard to the metal ground but quickly bounces back up, putting his hands on his hips and swiveling around surveying the audience as they laugh at him. Big Sexy runs over and helps him to the chair and hands him a head-set, as well as putting on his…
BSS- Shue, hi Dr. Evil, I can’t tell you, I mean, I’m so excited to have you here!
Dr. Evil- Thank you number 2, thank you. And by the way, I meant to do that. I did.
MS- Well Mike, it certainly…
BSS (To Sidious)- It’s not Mike, Sidious, it’s Dr. Evil.
MS (To Big Sexy)- No, no, I’m telling you it’s Mike Meyers just dressed up as Dr. Evil. * As Dr. Evil looks around at the audience *
BSS- Sidious, you call him Dr. Evil, he is Dr. Evil, not Mike whoever.
MS- * Sigh * Fine, so Dr. Evil we are so glad you are here.
Dr Evil- Why thank you number 1, thank you.
MS- Umm, it’s Sidious Mik, err, Dr. Evil, so are you happy to be here?
Dr. Evil- Oh yes, I love this show. I always watch it when I have my testicles shaved.
BSS- Oh yeah, ha ha I loved that line in the movie. Ha ha there is nothing like a pair of freshly shorn shaved testicles, it is truly breath taking.
Dr. Evil- It is Number 2, it is.
MS- So why did you come here tonight Dr. Evil?
Dr. Evil- Well it is simple number 1, I have come to take over (Dramatic Pause) the death matches. * Pinky to the mouth, as he cocks his head back *
MS- Take them over?
Dr. Evil- Yes, take it over.
BSS- Oh how cool, hey can I be the cat? I can climb into your lap and you can pet me!
Dr. Evil- Ummmmm, no, I don’t think so number 2.
MS- You can’t take over the death matches Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil- Quite you insolent bastard, I am here to take it over and sell it for (Yet another Dramatic Pause) 1 billion dollars * Pinky to the mouth *
MS- No, you see Dr. Evil, we already have someone trying to do that.
Dr. Evil- Really?
MS- Yep. It’s a guy called Peter (AKA Fake Sid6.9)
Dr. Evil- Well is he evil?
MS- Very evil.
Dr. Evil- Crap. Well then I will create an organization of 3 or 4 men, that will scare everyone out of their wits with evil talk, big muscles, and try to take over the death matches that way then. * Pinky to the mouth *
MS- Sorry Dr. Evil, we already have a group like that.
Dr. Evil (Looking at Sidious)- Really?
MS- Yep it’s a group called the nWd.
Dr. Evil- Well could they use a leader that could control the big man of the group, he would be there laughing and making outrageous claims on how he invented the “Question Mark” and such?
Master Sidious looks at Dr. Evil and shakes his head no. Dr. Evil, clearly agitated, looks at Big Sexy, who with puppy dog eyes, shakes his head no too.
Dr. Evil- Well then I will create a character that will be popular with everyone, he will be one that has a big entranc…
MS- Umm, Dr. Evil, we already have him in Y2T.
Dr. Evil- Oh yes, Y2T, but he isn’t evil.
MS- No, I guess not. But we don’t want an evil popular figure.
Dr. Evil- Shit. You know number 1 I’m getting tired of your insolent tone. You must want to wear the big boy pants, you want to be the daddy? Do ya, huh? Do ya?
MS (Looking down at his pants)- Yeah, I have big boy pants on right now.
BSS- Yeah and I’m the Big Sexy Booty Daddy!
Dr. Evil (Looks at both of them)- Well then, is there anything you do need? Anything Evil?
MS- Umm, I guess we, well, no I guess that can’t be evil. Hmmm, I umm.
BSS (Interrupts Sidious)- Hey number 1 we need an evil commentator!
MS- No, no we don’t Big Sexy! And stop calling me number 1.
BSS- No it would be cool number 1. He could be the boss, and we could do his evil bidding. Come on number 1, it will be fun.
MS- No, Big Sexy, I’m not doing that.
Big Sexy just stares at Sidious, while Dr. Evil points at Big Sexy and shakes his head yes.
MS- * Sigh * Oh crap, I know Sid isn’t going to like this. Okay, but just for tonight.
Dr. Evil starts to clap his hands together as Big Sexy smiles happily.
MS- Okay fight fans we are going to go to this station break, but stay tuned, cause we will be right back.
The screen turns to the commercials and after 30 seconds returns…
MS- Okay, we are back (Dr. Evil whispers in Sidious’s ear) * Sigh * welcome back oh evil viewers, I am still Master Sidi…(Dr. Evil whispers in his ear again) * Sigh * I am Number 1, and joining with me again is Number 2.
Big Sex…err, number 2 stands to his feet once again, fully enthralled in his role as Dr. Evil stares at him in wonderment.
Number 2- Yes, yes, Number 2 is back in da house! And I am the sexiest number 2 alive baby ye…(Dr. Evil whispers in his ear) But, but, I’m sexy, the fans want sexy! (Dr. Evil only shakes his head no) No way, I am Big Sexy though, come on Dr. Evil let me stay sexy! Sidious back me up on this.
Number 1 (Crossing his arms)- Sorry number 2, there is no Master Sidious anymore, just number 1.
Number 2 (Sitting down)- Oh crap not again, I hate this, I want to be sexy. Why can’t I be sexy.
Dr. Evil- Now, now Number 2. Don’t be down, just cause you aren’t sexy doesn’t mean that Dr. Evil doesn’t love you.
Number 2- Really?
Dr. Evil-(Another cheesy dramatic pause * Sigh *) No, not really, I can’t back that up.
Number 2 stares at the floor all depressed…
Number 1- So Dr. Evil, shouldn’t we tell the fight fans about the fighters.
Dr. Evil- Are they evil?
Number 1- Oh one is very evil, and the other is crazy!
Dr. Evil- Crazy evil?
Number 1- Ahh, yeah, crazy evil, yeah.
Dr. Evil smiles and looks over at the ledge- Come Mr. Bigglesworth
And with that Big Sex…ehh, Number 2 jumps into his lap…
Number 2- Meow!
Dr. Evil- Number 2, get off my lap, you are not Mr. Bigglesworth.
Number 1- Okay fight fans, well our first fighter of the night is the one man evil band…
Dr. Evil- Oooo I like him already, he shall be the one that wins.
Number 1- Umm, Dr. Evil, this isn’t wrestling, we don’t pre-determine who wins.
Dr. Evil- Really? Oh, sorry, please continue.
Number 1- Anyway, this man is the meanest bastard of the internet community. His flames are both dangerous and unsettling. He is the man known as MikeQuake! Number 2, will you tell the fight fans more about the fighter?
Number 2- Okay, well this fighter is one mean bastard. He is one powerful man, he may even be on-par strength wise with Peak_Man. Although that he is very powerful, this man does lack a sense of vision. He sometimes has difficulty in perceiving what an opponent is going to do, or where he is. This fighter though in close quarters is very damaging. With moves like the “Hades Bomb” and the “Quake-O-Matic” can end the fight at anytime.
Number 1- Okay thanks Big Se…sorry, Number 2, that was a great analysis of MikeQuake. And I hear that Mother Love is with him right now. Lets get to here post-haste.
Mother Love- Thanks guys, and by the way, Big Sexy…
Dr. Evil- Ahem.
Mother Love- Oh of course, Number 2, why didn’t you return my calls over the last 2 months? Mommy knew you needed a good home, and she wants to give it to ya.
Number 1 (To Number 2)- Heh heh, she never stops does she?
Number 2 (To Number 1)- * Sigh * No she doesn’t, she is like standing on a three legged table.
Number 1- How does that have anything to do with her?
Number 2- Well while standing on a three legged table may be fun at first, it almost always winds up being unstable.
Mother Love- Humph, I don’t know why I waste my time.
Number 2- Me either.
Mother Love- Okay so MikeQuake, you must be very excited about being here at the death matches. I hear that your competitor tonight is a little unstable though. Any thoughts on it?
MikeQuake- Well, well * Snatching the mic * why don’t you take your fat ass and go get a donought bitch. MikeQuake can handle the interview himself.
Mother Love, with a pissed look on her face, leaves the room as MikeQuake kicks her in the butt as she leaves.
MikeQuake- Get going fat ass, (While watching her leave) Damn it looks like 2 Rhino’s fighting under a blanket there, ha ha. So anyway, I am MikeQuake, and I am the ruler over you all. My word is gold, so you better all just listen up to what I have to say. You see this CRaZIeMAN thinks my web site sucks, you know what, I don’t give a damn if it sucks, cause you see everyones else’s sucks just as bad as mine. So that means mine must not suck. As for that CRaZIeMAN he can just blow me. I am the ruler over you all and tonight in the Lame-O-Match, I will reign supreme. You know while I’m on the subject of lame, there is a couple of death match retards I want to talk about. Styx and Deathwish DDW are two of the biggest lame ass pieces of crap out there. Ya see they always babble on on how I suck, but you know what, they suck, yeah they suck bad. I mean if sucky was a word, there they would be, the two suckiest sucks that ever sucked! And while I’m ranting he…
Number 1 cues a backstage hand to cut his mic…
MikeQuake- There is another piece of shi…(MikeQuake continues to talk even though no one can hear him)
MikeQuake realizes the mic was cut off accosts the stagehand who only shrug and tries to explain by tapping his watch. MikeQuake though beats the ever living crap outta the stage hand and flips off the camera as he kicks the camera man in the groin. The last image that can be seen is MikeQuakes foot coming down on the camera lens.
Number 1- Ahh, damn it, no, no! Why did he have to do that?!? Jimmy was only 23, he didn’t need to beat him up. That damn MikeQuake I hope CRaZIeMAN kills him good!
Dr. Evil- No, no Number 1, kills him evil!
Number 1- Kills him evil? That’s stupid, it doesn’t even go with what I’m saying.
Dr. Evil just stares at Number 1…
Number 2 (To Number 1)- You better listen to him, he knows what he is talking about.
Number 1- You have to be kidding me Big Sexy, he is only a Hollywood fantasy, he can’t hu…
Number 2- Shhh, Number 1, he can hear you.
Number 1- I don’t care if he can, this is stupid.
Number 2- Shhh, don’t upset him, I hear he has powers, evil sexual powers.
Number 1- The only powers he has Big Sexy…
Number 2- Umm, it’s Number 2 now Number 1.
Number 1- Come on…
Number 2 (Waving his finger in number 1’s face)- Evil sexual powers number 1, evil sexual powers.
Number 1- Ugh, whatever, lets move on, shall we?
Dr. Evil (Playing with a miniature doll of himself)- Here Number 1 kiss Mini-Me. (Putting the doll in front of Number 1)
Number 1 (Knocking the doll away) Damn it, get that doll out of my face!
Dr. Evil (Waving the doll around again)- Come on Number 1, Mini-Me loves you, give him a kiss, come on, kiss him. He’s evil!
Number 1- Please Dr. Evil! We are trying to run a show here. Please just sit there and be…(Thinks for a second and relaxes) Say Dr. Evil, have you seen the green room yet?
Dr. Evil- No (Looks around at both of them) No I haven’t, is it an evil room.
Number 1- Well it is, well, no, no I can’t.
Dr. Evil (Showing interest in his eyes)- Yes, yes, yes you can.
Number 1- Well word has it, that it is the most evil room around the world.
Dr. Evil- Oh yes, I shall take over this evil room. (As he gets up and is lead by a stage hand)
Number 1- Yes, yes, go Dr. Evil, go conquer the evil in the green room! (As Dr. Evil leaves the stage) Shue, thank god, I never thought that would end hey Big Sexy?
Number 2- Umm, Number 1, why did you send Dr. Evil to, well what is the green room?
Master Sidious- First off Big Sexy stop the Number 1 crap, I sent Dr. Evil back to the nWd locker room.
Big Sexy- But Sidious, not the nWd locker room, they will kill him! They don’t have a sense of humor like we do!
Master Sidious (Half-heartedly)- Oh damn, I guess that maybe we should warn him, huh?
Big Sexy- Well yes, go warn him Sidious.
Sidious and Big Sexy just sit there for 30 seconds…
Big Sexy- Your not going to warn him are you?
Master Sidious (Sitting there thinking)-………………………………………..Nope. But if you want to go ahead.
Big Sexy- No thanks, the nWd hate me, and I think that Peak_Man means to have sex with me.
Master Sidious- He doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Big Sexy- Well I am sexy.
MS- Yep, well whatever, anyway folks, with Dr. Evil out of the way we are now going to take a look at MikeQuakes competitor tonight.
BSS- Well okay Sidious, but only after you promise me that after the fight you will go back and warn Dr. Evil about the nWd.
MS- Umm, okay Big Sexy, I can do that. But tell the fight fans about MikeQuakes competitor.
BSS- All right, well MikeQuakes competitor lives up to his name as the craziest competitor we have ever seen. This man knows no fear, and with agreeing to take on MikeQuake, I’d say that is pretty obvious, but he also has no fear in doing moves that are simple, well, crazy. He is the master of the Airwaves, he is CRaZIeMAN! * The crowd starts to chant “Crazy, Crazy, Crazy, Crazy!”* Yep that’s right fight fans he is that, and with moves like the “Paranoia Plancha” and the “CRaZIe Spider Dive” can really drive one nuts. But this mans finisher, the “Schizophrenic Mind Bender” well has even our minds bent on what exactly that is. But this fighter even though knows no fear, and despite the speed and vision advantage he has. Has a limited capacity in absorbing punishment, as well as the inability to give out large doses. So the longer this match goes, so much better for the CRaZIe one.
MS- Wow, that was very insightful Big Sexy, and word has it Mother Love is with him right now, lets go to her.
Mother Love (With a man sitting on the back of a chair looking insanely at her)- So umm, CRaZIeMAN, umm, you certainly have a big challenge ahead of you tonight, any thoughts on it?
CRaZIeMAN- Oh yes, oh yes, ahead ahead ahead, I have got a head! (As he flips up in the air landing sitting fully on the chair) Ha, ha, did you see that, CRaZIe did a flip, just like the monkeys in the Rain Forest do!
Mother Love- Yes, yes I see that, but what about MikeQuake tonight?
CRaZIeMAN (Smacking his forehead)- MikeQuake, MikeQuake, MikeQuake, is he a monkey? I don’t think he is a monkey! I’m a monkey you know, the CRaZIeMAN Monkey hee, hee, hee!
Mother Love- Umm, okay but do you think you will win tonight?
CRaZIeMAN- Win the night! Win the night! Us CRaZIes rule the night, to win, to win the night she says! Yes, yes to win the night, I shall win the night, and call the night………..BLUE! Just like my tick-hound dog. He was blue you know, blue like the night, hee, hee, hee!
Mother Love- Well okay, thanks CRaZIe, well back to you guys!
MS- Thanks Mother Love, and with that we are….
Suddenly the lights shut off inside the stadium as an eerie voice speaks over the sound system…
Voice (Creepingly distorted)- Those without the vision shall be overcome with grief as he, the one that brings suffering, shall return to wreak havoc on you all! Win if you can! Survive……..IF I LET YOU!
Suddenly there is a giant explosion as a giant white zero can be seen pulsating on the DeathMatch-O-Vision with chanting going on in the background…
And just as fast as it came on, the lights in the stadium come back on as the zero and the voice disappear…
MS- What the hell was that! Big Sexy, do you know…ummm, Big Sexy!
As Sidious looks around for Big Sexy he finds him hiding under the table covering his ears and eyes.
MS(Grabbing and pulling on a reluctant Big Sexy)- Big Sexy, come out of there, come on get out from under the table, this doesn’t look good that you are hiding like a scared little girl.
BSS- No way, not with that creepy voice around, I won’t come out!
MS- Come on Big Sexy (While standing and dragging a kicking and screaming Big Sexy) the scary voice is gone.
Big Sexy uncovers his ears and looks around at the stadium which is totally silent and staring at him…
Big Sexy- Umm heh, heh, it is gone, well that’s a good thing too, I was about to kick his creepy voice ass!
MS- Sure you were Big Sexy, sure you were, that’s why you were under the desk.
BSS- Well heh, heh I lost a contact, and was just trying to find it, it didn’t scare me honest. The LOVE MACHINE never gets scared * All the girls sigh and stare with puppy dog eyes at Big Sexy *
Big Sexy settles back down then leans over towards Sidious…
BSS- Umm, Sidious, did you hear him though, Win if you can! Survive……..If He lets US! And that he is bringing back suffering * Starts diddling his fingers together * What are we going to do?
MS- Relax Big Sexy, I’m sure it’s just some wanna-be trying to intimidate us. And besides the death matches always have someone suffering. Suffering death at the hands of another in some good old fashioned family viewing violence.
BSS- Well I’d say it’s working.
MS- Well the fight looks like it is about to begin, Big Sexy, take us through how you think the fight will go tonight.
BSS- Well as long as no other creepy voices come out of the blue. Umm, so, what I see in this fight, I see that for MikeQuake to win he will need to deliver the most amount of punishment at the start of the bell, or as he is known to do, before the bell. If he lets the CRaZIeMAN get airborne, and cannot corner him, then it could be a long night for the little man. For CRaZIeMAN it all falls down to staying out of his reach and administering punishment a little at a time. Also if he can get the big man angry enough to chase him around, he may be able to tire him out enough to hit his finisher, whatever that is!
MS- Okay thanks Big Sexy, and with that…what’s that, something is stirring in the back, lets go back there now and find out what is happening…
A camera is just walking into the Green Room where Dr. Evil is surrounded by the nWd in a circle as he looks a little anxious…
BSS- Oh no Sidious, looks like Dr. Evil is in trouble, I told you that you shouldn’t have let him go back there!
MS (Snapping his fingers)- Darn! (Then goes back to watching the monitor with a smile on his face)
Meanwhile back in the back Dr. Evil is trying to calm down the nWd…
Dr. Evil- Umm, look guys, I was told that this room is evil!
Flutie- The room isn’t evil punk, we are!
British- Yeah funny man, we are the ones that are evil, so make us laugh, funny man!
Dr. Evil- I’m not a fun-ny-man, I am Dr. Evil. You know, * Puts his pinky to his mouth * (Then pulls it down and looks at them waiting for a reaction, but doesn’t get one) Umm, I have a kitty, Mr. Bigglesworth, ya see the kitty, here Mr. Bigglesworth, here!
Deathwish DDW- Oh yes, that’s the cat with no hair, right?
Dr. Evil- Right, Mr. Bigglesworth, come here you naughty kitty and show the men here that I am Dr. Evil!
British- Oh don’t worry mate, he’s here in the room right now! * As he points to Peak_Man *
Peak_Man- * BURP * Hee, hee, hee, kitty taste good!
Dr. Evil makes a face at that of disgust as he holds his stomach. As the members close on him the phone inside the room rings…
Flutie (Talking on the phone)- Hello? What the hell do you want? You what? Why? Umm, hmm I see. Okay hold on lamenuts. Here the phones for you. (Handing the phone towards Dr. Evil)
Dr. Evil points to himself as he means who me. Then strides cockily over as he takes the phone from a sneering Flutie…
Dr. Evil- Hello, Evil here, and you are? Umm-hmm, yes the are a surly bunch. Umm-hmm I am in need of help, yes, okay. But won’t the…ohhh I see, okay. Well thank you. (And hangs up the phone and looks at the nWd while they busily pound a fist into their open palm) Umm, you lame ass fags aren’t evil, I am evil, and you better do my biding or I’ll kick your asses!
All the nWd just stare at each other for a second in amazement at what Dr. Evil said, then look back at him and dive on top of Dr. Evil and pound on him unmercifully…
Meanwhile back at the announcers booth, Sidious can be seen putting away his cellular phone…
MS- There, that is one problem taken care of.
BSS- Sidious (As he watches the nWd continue to beat on Dr. Evil) I can’t believe you did that to one of the finest actors of the wor…Oh my, oh no, they’re, no, no don’t do it, that’s not supposed to be put up someones ass, no!
MS- Oh well, hey looks like the participants are making their way out, and it’s CRaZIeMAN coming out first, and woo hoo lets climb aboard the “Crazy Train”!
As the music of Ozzy Osbournes “Crazy Train” begins to blare out. CRaZIeMAN launches himself off the top of the DeathMatch-O-Vision and flips over landing on his feet on the ring apron, turns and starts to giggle uncontrollable.
BSS- Heh, heh, that is a pretty accurate song for the crazy one! And what an entrance! Hey! Look! Here comes Shockwave! Hey Sidious, I heard he saved 100 death match fans by holding up a wall by himself. Man oh man what a ref!
MS- That’s right Big Sexy, Shockwave Cinema is back baby.
BSS- Uh oh, and here comes MikeQuake!
MikeQuake comes out to the music of Marilyn Mansons “The Rock is Dead.”
BSS- I hear he added a verse to the song saying the “Rock is Dead, and so are you!” Heh, heh, that’s pretty lame isn’t it Sidious?
MS- Umm-hmm, I’d have to agree there, but I would also say that he could be right about it.
BSS- Yeah, I never thought of that.
MS- Looks like we don’t have a announcer for tonight so Shockwave is doing the duties tonight.
Shockwave- Okay, listen up! This is the Friday Night War Room Death Match! It is no longer sponsored by Blizzard, and Budweiser too jumped off the bandwagon. So we can’t afford any ring announcers, so lets get this fight on! * The fans cheer to that and, few begin to shout “Shock Wave, Shock Wave, Shock Wave!”
MS- Heh, heh, looks like Shockwave is getting to this fight quickly, but it looks like he is doing the pre-fight introductions first.
Shockwave (Motions for the competitors to come over)- Okay gentleman, I tried to give you your instructions in the back, but you * Pointing at MikeQuake * Kept kicking me in the butt, do that in here son and I will not be held responsible for what I will do to you. And you * Pointing at CRaZIeMAN * for playing with my hair while I was talking to you (CRaZIeMAN just smiles at him). Okay obey my…
But as he says that MikeQuake halls off backhanding CRaZIeMAN half way across the ring…
Shockwave- Or, umm, don’t obey my instructions. Okay lets, umm, well you are getting it on!
MS- And there’s the bell and this fight is underway!
BSS- No, it was underway the moment MikeQuake step into the ring. And it really does look like that I was right about the way he needs to fight!
MS- Heh, heh you are the master annalists there Sexy. But uh oh Crazy better watch out cause here comes the Quaker!
Back in the ring MikeQuake makes his way too CRaZIeMAN and picks him up with one hand and looks at him…
MQ- Wow what a little piece of shit! I didn’t know they could stack shit that high.
CM- Umm, what uh what happen. Hey! What gives?
MQ- I give, and you don’t!
And MikeQuake halls off and punches CRaZIeMAN right out of the ring and straight into the front row of fans…
MS- Oh man, what a punch, he sure can dish out some serious damage.
BSS- Yep, but lucky for CRaZIeMAN, the fans broke his fall.
Back inside MikeQuake climbs out of the ring and turns around just in time to see a foot smashing into his face. CRaZIeMAN launches off his face and lands back in the ring while MikeQuake just stands there momentarily stunned. Crazy launches himself off the opposite ropes and flings himself over the ropes into a flip catching the Quaker in the top of the head with his back as they both go crashing to the arena floor…
BSS- Oh wow, that was plain crazy! What a move!
MS- Yeah it looks like that move took more out of CRaZIeMAN then it did MikeQuake, cause Quake is getting to his feet!
MikeQuake gets to his feet as CRaZIeMAN tries to scramble away from him. MikeQuake quickly reaches down and grabs on of his feet as he tries to go under the ring. MikeQuake pulls hard on his foot but is met with a quick foot to the gut that forces him to release CRaZIes foot as he climbs under the ring…
MS- Oh my, there goes the crazy one under the ring.
BSS- Yep and it looks like MikeQuake is following…
MikeQuake tries to get under the ring, but being to big cannot fully get under it. Meanwhile CRaZIeMAN has emerged from the other side and quickly gets back in the ring noticing MikeQuake being stuck under the ring where he originally went in. CRaZIeMAN quickly jumps to the top of the turnbuckle and plays to the crowd who cheer wildly for him to launch himself…
MS- No, no, don’t do it Crazy!
BSS- Yes, yes do it Crazy!
And CRaZIeMAN launches off the turnbuckle and flips up and over as his head and shoulders meet with the lower back of MikeQuake. A large groan can be heard from under the ring as MikeQuakes body goes limp from the blow.
MS- Oh man “Crazy Spider Dive”, “Spider Dive”, “Spider Dive”!
BSS- Yep, that was simple crazy, but look, I think it more pissed off MikeQuake then it hurt him!
MikeQuake suddenly rears up lifting the ring and climbing out from underneath. Meanwhile CRaZIeMAN has put himself on the crowd barrier and is crowing like a rooster…
MS- Oh man CRaZIeMAN better get out of there, comes MikeQuake is pissed.
MikeQuake quickly makes his way to CRaZIeMAN and throws a punch that misses CRaZIeMAN entirely. CRaZIeMAN rolls and gets back up taunting the big man. MikeQuake throws a back hand that misses once again as CRaZIeMAN begins to do back flips and play to the crowd who laugh at MikeQuake…
MS- Oh no, it looks like CRaZIeMAN is playing to the crowd, and MikeQuake isn’t approving of it.
BSS- No, it’s perfect Sidious, he is using the anger to his advantage, and we thought he was just crazy, that is a brilliant move on CRaZIeMAN’s part.
Meanwhile on the ring floor, CRaZIeMAN climbs back into the ring as MikeQuake backhands a Death Match Fan into next week…
MQ- Shut up you lilly liveried ass munches, I am MikeQuake and you shall hail me! * The crowd starts to chant “Mike Quake Sucks”, “Mike Quake Sucks”, “Mike Quake Sucks” as CRaZIeMAN giggles to this that the crowd is doing.
MikeQuake quickly dives back into the ring grabbing on to one of CRaZIeMAN’s feet. CRaZIeMAN falls backwards and tries to kick MikeQuake as he tries to get free. But MikeQuake stands up still holding his foot and comes crashing down hard into CRaZIeMAN’s groin, as the fans go * Ouchie *!
MS- Oh man, MikeQuake is certainly in control now.
BSS (While holding his marbles)- Ow!
MikeQuake turns over CRaZIeMAN and delivers a head butt to his lower back, MikeQuake sensing victory picks up a limp CRaZIeMAN, stands him up and flings him across the ring. CRaZIeMAN comes running back towards MikeQuake as he grabs him and tries to pick him up. But CRaZIeMAN wraps his legs around Quakes head and with a quick move pulls him backwards flipping him over and forcing his head straight into the mat!
MS- Oh man, I think Quake was going for the “Hades Bomb” but CRaZIeMAN turned it into a beautiful “Hurricinrana”!
BSS- That was just sweet, just plain sweet, but it looks like Crazy is acting a little weird in the ring!
CRaZIeMAN begins to look around nervously at the fans, who are cheering wildly for him. Looks towards MikeQuake who is getting back up, and nervously at Shockwave. CRaZIeMAN then jumps up on the ring ropes and stares directly at a woozy MikeQuake who has made it to his feet.
BSS- Here it comes, paranoia is striking the CRaZIe one and he looks to be going for the “Paranoia Plancha”!
MS- Yep and with MikeQuake being so woozy, he doesn’t even see where CRaZIeMAN is.
CRaZIeMAN then motions for the fans as he looks around nervously then grins…
MS- Oh no, he is wasting too much time playing to the crowd, he needs to do the move!
CRaZIeMAN almost sensing Sidious’s comments jumps up in the air doing a summersault, landing on the ropes backwards from MikeQuake and launches himself off again towards him. CRaZIeMAN’s feet strike MikeQuake fully in the chest, but as MikeQuake begins to fall backwards the ropes catch him forcing him back in the other direction, and with hanging on to consciousness twists CRaZIeMAN around and slams him hard face first into the mat.
BSS- On man, inverted “Hades Bomb” from MikeQuake! What a move to save himself from defeat!
MS- I’ll say so, that was a perfectly executed “Paranoia Plancha” by CRaZIeMAN! But MikeQuake had enough in mind to hold on and deliver one of the most powerful moves in Death Match Entertainment. Man I don’t even think Styx could take that move without being hurt.
BSS- Yeah and that was an inverted “Hades Bomb” no less, and CRaZIeMAN felt it right in the face!
MS- Oh no, MikeQuake is getting up first and CRaZIeMAN is not moving.
MikeQuake inside the ring motions to the crowd that this is the end. The crowd boos loudly as MikeQuake just stands there and smiles. MikeQuake picks up the unconscious CRaZIeMAN and lays him over the top of the rope backwards so his neck is exposed. MikeQuake climbs the ropes slowly as the fans chant “Crazy, Crazy, Crazy”!
BSS- Yep that’s Crazy all right, draped over the ring ropes ready to take a leg drop from the top rope courtesy of one MikeQuake.
And with that MikeQuake tries to steady himself on the woobley ropes, just as CRaZIeMAN begins to come too. With seeing Crazy coming too MikeQuake launches himself off awkwardly towards where CRaZIeMAN is hanging. CRaZIeMAN sees him coming and tries to get himself off the ropes, he finally does, but is still met in the gut by MikeQuakes leg. A large groan can be heard coming from CRaZIeMAN as his limp body hits the mat…
MS- Oh no, “Quake-O-Matic”, he hit it!
BSS- Yeah but not very well though Sidious, he was unbalanced and Crazy actually almost got out of it.
MS- But he didn’t BS, and even with him not receiving the full brunt, it appears that he is dead. So it looks like MikeQuake is your winner folks!
Meanwhile in the ring MikeQuake is busy taunting the fans and raising his arms in victory. Shockwave meanwhile is checking on CRaZIeMAN…
BSS- Okay it looks like Shockwave is confirming that CRaZIeMAN is dead, and what, hey Sidious look!
MS (Lifting his head from his hands)- Huh, what?!? What the?
And Shockwave puts a thumb up into the air as CRaZIeMAN begins to move…
MS- My god, he is not dead, and we thought he couldn’t take any punishment!
BSS- Nope, I think we better update that on his Tale of the Tape.
But in the ring CRaZIeMAN gets up wobbly as MikeQuake now notices he is still alive. MikeQuake quickly makes his way to CRaZIeMAN…
MQ- You little piece of shit! Why won’t you die!
And MikeQuake scopes up CRaZIeMAN into a bear hug and starts to squeeze him…
MQ- Time to squeeze the crap outta ya punk!
MS- Oh man, it only looks like it’s a brief reprieve for CRaZIeMAN, cause he has him in the dreaded “Bear Hug”!
BSS- Yep, looks like we should start singing a swan song, cue up the fat lady, and pull the curtain, cause this show is about over.
Suddenly in the ring, CRaZIeMAN begins to talk into MikeQuakes ear, as MikeQuake shakes his head no, and yells for him to “Stop it!” But CRaZIeMAN continues to talk and talk and talk, then suddenly his body goes limp. MikeQuake lets go of CRaZIeMAN and grabs his head and falls to the mat screaming…
BSS- Oh man Sidious, what just happened?
MS- I don’t know, it appears, yes, there is Shockwaves line across his throat, CRaZIeMAN is dead, but what the hell is up with MikeQuake?
Shockwave quickly raises MikeQuake hand as he screams for someone to help him…
MS- What is going on, it looks like MikeQuake has gone mad!
BSS- Yeah and what’s up with him now?
MikeQuake looks out into the audience with a smile on his face, then runs and leaps off the ring and summersaults landing on his feet and running to the back, laughing and giggling!
MS- Well, okay, well fight fans it looks like this one is in the history books.
BSS (While watching MikeQuake run away)- Yep, and there goes another CRaZIeMAN running to the back. Word of warning everyone out there, MikeQuake is on the loose and he appears a little wacky!
MS- Heh, heh you can say that again Big Sexy.
BSS- Yep, and there goes another CRaZIeMAN running to the back. Word of warning everyone out there, MikeQuake is on the loose and he appears a little wacky!
MS- Umm, I didn’t literally mean you had to say it again Big Sexy.
BSS- Oh sorry.
MS- Well okay fight fans we will see you next week. I am Master Sidious, the master of the death match chat!
BSS- And I am Big Sexy Stefan, the Human Love Machine, saying…
Both Together- Good fight, Good night!
As the credits roll…
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