Internet Monitors around the globe glow an eerie light as the picture on the screen shows of a back parking lot. In the corner of the screen is a caption reading…
A limousine
with the letters nWd on the door comes rolling
into the parking lot and stop just short of where the camera is pointing. The door to the limousine opens as SM_007
makes his way out of the limo, stops short and smells the air. Suddenly out of the blue a racing car
appears over the horizon heading top speed directly at the Limousine parked by
the entrance to the Death Match Arena.
SM_007 hears something from behind and looks to just see the speeding
black car run smack into the opposite side of where SM_007 is standing, without
time to move the collision is violent knocking the limousine into SM_007, and
throwing him back about 15 feet through the air. Flutie, just starting to come out of the limo, gets thrown out
rolling on the ground and getting hit by the car door to his head on the way
out.
As the
limousine came to a resting spot and the dust and flying glass had settled, two
black masked gentlemen dressed in full black came out from the opposite car
that struck them. Both gentlemen where
short, with one carrying a stick.
Peak_Man suddenly emerges through the roof of the car, enraged beyond
belief, but as he comes out, the first man with the stick, strikes him several
times amongst the head and shoulders, sending him back down into the limousine
from which he came. Styx just comes out
from the side door with his face bloodied, and looks up at the man on the
roof. Suddenly the second man appears
and dropkicks the open door into Styx’s legs.
Styx screams in obvious pain and falls back into the limousine grabbing
his shins in pain.
The two
gentleman then nod to one another and get back into their beat up Chevelle and
disappear away, just as police cars begin to file in, coming out and
brandishing their weapons while checking the fallen nWd
members…
The screen
then changes to a blank screen as a message shows on it…
Weird Ass Sports in co-operation with Tridus Inc. would like to present the following presentation…
The Following is a Rated PG-14 presentation. It includes some Graphic Violence, Nudity, Strong Language and Adult Situations. Parental Guidance is suggested…
The Monitor screens change once again as they explode into a brilliant bright light. Explosions happen as words suddenly explode on to the screen in bright red…
Death Match!!!
Images then start to show on the Internet Monitors of past fights from the current season…
MysteryMan kicking at Big Tank Hank, CRaZIeMAN flying off the top rope and onto MikeQuake, MikeQuake running around in circles holding his head and screaming, Y2T blowing a kiss at the fans, Xel~Naga flipping off the top turnbuckle in a summersault, rRaminrodt grinning at the camera…
Then as the screen is about to change it flickers and wavers as a small n, oversized, blue W, and a small d take over the screen…
n.W.d
Images then of Flutie spiking MysteryMan on the top of the head with the Silly Stick, Styx walking out from behind the curtain for the first time, Peak_Man playing with his toes, eating a chicken, eating a roast beef sandwich, and sticking his head out of the roof of a car smiling, and finally SM_007 raising the nWd eyebrow as the fans throw trash into the ring.
Then the screens change to a darkened arena as lights suddenly begin to flash on and off. Many people can be seen jumping around the arena as Will Smith’s “Getting Jiggy wit it” bangs out from the house speakers. Several scantily dressed women dance around as the lights continue to flash. Suddenly they shut off and explosions light up the Death Match ramp way. Starting at the bottom and working it’s way up the ramp flash pots shot off some 15 feet into the air. Upon reaching the top of the ramp, smaller machine gun type explosions, explode around the giant 50ft tall DeathMatch-O-Vision screen.
The lights suddenly burst on as one final explosion rocks the stadium to life. Several fans are waving their homemade signs and shouting drunken boasts into the camera as it passes by. Some of the signs read…
“Time to smell what my feet are cooking!” “Peak_Man bites! And I got the marks to prove it!” “Flutie is God!” “I came to see the silly stick.” “Hey! I just heard about these things.” “Hey! Where’s the bathrooms?” “Who’s your daddy? Yeah, that’s right. I’m your daddy!”
The cameras then pan up to a man as he stands on a platform before a microphone, the fans instantly recognize him and start to chant…
“Dude, Dude, Dude!”
Announcer Dude- Yes, yes, I am Announcer Dude, and you are not! * The fans all stop and stare at him * Yeah you heard me! I’m the man, you all booed me at the preview show cause I couldn’t talk? Well at least I’m part of the shows, ha! You all are like ants to me! * The fans all stare at him in astonishment * That’s right, so shut the hell up! I don’t need your cheers, I am Announcer Dude and you are not!
The fans start to boo him, but Announcer Dude just ignores them…
Announcer Dude- Shut the hell up, I’m talking here. (Waits as the fans throw items of different variety’s at him) All right damn it, screw it, here’s the Death Match host, Master Sidious, and I hope you all choke on them damn hot dogs!
The screen then changes to Master Sidious as the fans continue to boo and throw things at Announcer Dude’s general direction. Master Sidious takes the mic and tries to calm down the fans…
Master Sidious- Please, please, ladies and gentleman, the views by Announcer Dude are not the same ones we have. Please, stop throwing things.
The fans all stop throwing items, but don’t cheer. Sidious thinks for a second…
MS- Okay, welcome fight fans, the #1 fight fans in all the death matches there ever have been, ever was, or ever will be!
The fans instantly cheer to that as Sidious sits back smiling…
MS- That’s right fight fans, you know what day it is. * Shouts * Now what day is it!?!?
The fans instantly and in unison respond…
“Friday!”
MS (Still shouting)- And where are you? I said where the hell are you?!?
The fans go absolutely mad with the reply…
“The War Room!”
MS (Shouting at the top of his lungs)- And what do you want?
The fans go ape shit with the reply…
“Death!”
MS (Still shouting)- What was that? What do you want?!?
The fans nearly rip the roof off with their reply…
“We want DEATH!!!”
MS- That’s right it’s time it’s time, it’s…
And the fans finish the sentence with blood lust in their hearts…
“Friday Night War Room Death
Match Time!!!”
MS (Smiling proudly)- You damn right, and I am of course your Master of the Death Match chat, I am Sidious * As he holds his arms out to the cheers of the fans * And of course, joining me as always is the “Genetic Freak”, the “Snake in the grass” and the man that would rather have the bush, then the two birds in his hand! Now what’s his name? WHAT IS HIS NAME?!?
The fans go bonkers as ladies all over the arena scream at the top of their lungs…
“Big Sexy, Big Sexy, Big
Sexy, Ohhhh Big Sexy STEFAN!”
Big Sexy Stefan grabs the mic and stares in amazement at Sidious as he sits down. Big Sexy climbs on the desk and with his arms stretched out, the ladies go absolutely maddening with cheers of…
“Take it off! Take it off! Oh please Big Sexy, Take it
off!”
Big Sexy smiles cockily as he brings the mic to his lips…
BSS- Finally it’s time for the Death Match ladies to greet and meet the one and only * As he points to his crotch * The Human Love Machine!!!
The ladies go crazy knocking over each other on their way to the announcers desk…
BSS (To the ladies)- Oh calm down ladies, all good things that wait, or should I say, all the big things to those that wait, oh yeah baby! Cause you see, the Love Machine is kinda like a washing machine. First I’ll start you off on rinse, then we will move to wash, and finally, as The Love Machine gets you all warmed up and wet, he will take you for that * Shouts * SPIN cycle, oh yeah baby, and believe me, you will be spinning, yeah spinning like a friggin top!
The ladies literally blow their tops at that, as Big Sexy climbs off the table after 3 minutes of dancing to Method of Mayhems “Let’s get Naked”…
MS- Wow Big Sexy, that was the best intro we have ever done!
BSS- Yeah thanks to you Sidious. Where in the hell did you pull that out of?
MS- I don’t know, heh, heh, but it was cool.
BSS- I’ll say, I mean listen to them, I can hardly hear myself think right now. And what in the hell was up with Announcer Dude? I mean yeesh, on week he’s living la vida loca, and now he is just plain loca.
MS- I know Big Sexy, maybe he hasn’t been getting enough bran in his diet, who knows, all I know is he better quite down, cause I think 20’000 people want to get into his ass right about now.
BSS- Heh, heh, not me, I don’t get into no asses.
MS- I don’t doubt that Big Sexy.
BSS- Hey what in the hell was that, that happened to the nWd today? I mean wow, they sure got their asses handed to them.
MS- Yeah, they sure did, coincidentally fight fans, or I should say, unfortunately none of the nWd were actually injured too badly, just mostly bumps and bruises, but still, wow, what a beating they took.
BSS- Yeah, and if I was those guys in the black Chevelle that hit them, I would just keep on driving ‘til their in another like country or something, cause SM_007 and the rest of the nWd are going to be looking for some blood after that.
MS- No doubt, but I don’t think those mystery guys will stay a mystery. I mean look, they did that to them, they must have some type of gripe with them. And I think I know who they are.
BSS (Looks at Sidious)- Really, who?
MS- I can’t say now Big Sexy, but it has to do with the stick.
BSS- The Stick? Who is with the stick?
MS- The stick the one guy had.
BSS (Inquizically looks at Sidious)- Okay, so does one of them go by the name Stick?
MS- No Big Sexy, he was carrying the stick.
BSS (Looking confused)- Umm I didn’t see anyone carrying a guy named Stick.
MS (Getting irritated and holding the bridge of his nose)- Ugh, nevermind Big Sexy.
BSS- Well don’t get mad at me, you were the one that brought the guy up, yeesh, I was just asking who Stick was.
MS- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, just, let’s move on with the show.
BSS- Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. (Turns to the camera) I mean wow, he gets mad at the guy named Stick. And then at me for asking about him.
MS (Looks at Big Sexy angrily)- Yeah all right whatever! (Turns back to the cameras) All right fight fans we have got one hell of a match to bring you tonight. I mean this one is going to set the mood down the stretch to our season finale 3 weeks down the road. And still there is no inkling on what that final match of the season is going to be, but if I had a guess it would have to do with the nWd will be right in the thick of it!
BSS- I concur Sidious, these next three weeks will really be exciting to see how things will go. Yep, and me and my sexiness will be here to witness it all!
MS- Heh, heh, no doubt there. Well we are going to take a commercial break, but when we come back we will take a look at tonight’s battle. So stay tuned fight fans, cause we are ready to rock!
Sidious puts his hand to his ear as the cameras do not change to a commercial…
MS (Looks back at the camera)- Okay, we are not going to a commercial, there is something goin…
BSS- Oo, oo, is it sexy!?!
MS (Looking at Big Sexy confused)- What? No, it’s not sexy.
BSS- Well damn it, I want one of those ear thingies! I’m always the last to know anything. You treat me like a freaking Shroom! You keep me in the closet and occasionally open the door and give me some sunshine and a little water, then close the door again * Continues to ramble *
MS (Ignoring Big Sexy as he rambles)- Let’s get to the back, then to a commercial break, we will see you then…
The cameras switch to the back where a heated discussion between rRaminrodt and Lord DebtAngel is already going on…
rRaminrodt- Mr. Angel, that is quite unnecessary.
Lord
DebtAngel (growling)- No, it is quite necessary! I know what you are doing punk!
And if you don’t stop you will know why I am the Lord of Debtness.
rRaminrodt-
Mr. Angel, you have not seen, or will ever see me coming. I am offering you a way out. I advise you take it Mr. Angel, or life, as
you know it, will come to an end.
Lord DebtAngel
(Moves closer to rRaminrodt)- The tides of darkness are already spinning you
overdressed clown. The Lord of Debtness
needs not to worry of you, and if, you ever threaten me, I shall destroy your
soul, and you will, pay the debt (Draws his eyes into his head and growls while
extending his hand towards rRaminrodt)
rRaminrodt- I
see you have not heard my words Mr. Angel, perhaps I have not made my
intentions clear…
And with a
quick movement, rRaminrodt draws a kick into DebtAngel’s chin, but the Lord of Debtness
does not move. Lord DebtAngel takes a
wide swing at rRaminrodt but does not connect.
rRaminrodt steps behind Lord DebtAngel as he rears back with a nasty
looking backfist punch. rRaminrodt
grabs his arm and with a twisting motion gets Lord DebtAngel up on his
toes. Lord DebtAngel attempts to grab
rRaminrodt, but is unable to.
rRaminrodt
(With a slight smirk on his face)- So Mr. Angel, do I have your undying
attention now?
Lord
DebtAngel (With a growl)- Oh yes, and now you pay the Debt Man!
And with that
Lord DebtAngel with a intense growl lifts and slams rRaminrodt into the brick
wall. rRaminrodt lets lose his grip as
Lord DebtAngel smacks him up side the head sending rRaminrodt’s glasses off his
head, then grabbing him around the throat and pinning him to the wall…
Lord
DebtAngel (As rRaminrodt glares at him)- Collection time, and I will make your
soul pay dearly.
But suddenly
two other gentleman stand behind Lord DebtAngel, one of them with a baseball
bat in hand swings and connects in between DebtAngel’s shoulder blades, as the
other kicks one of his legs out from under DebtAngel.
The Lord of
Debtness falls to the ground as rRaminrodt’s associates begin to pound on Lord
DebtAngel as he tries to fend them off.
Suddenly though they stop, as rRaminrodt, while straightening his tie
and replacing his glasses looks at the beaten down DebtAngel…
rRaminrodt- I
trust now, Mr. Angel, that my intentions are now well known to you. I suggest you back off Mr. Angel, or the
misfortunes of death will surely be smiling upon your rotting corpse, Mr.
Angel.
And with that
rRaminrodt motions for his two other agents to back off as DebtAngel whips away
a spot of blood from the corner of his mouth and stares at rRaminrodt as he
leaves with his Agents…
Lord
DebtAngel- Oh yes, it is time, time for my move.
Lord
DebtAngel arises and glares at the camera then with a swift movement smashes it
as the screen goes to black…
On the screen a gangly teenager is amongst the halls of his school. Dance signs are all over the place as a lot of teenagers are mingling about. Several girls are standing around chatting as the gangly teenager approaches them…
Teenage
Girl #1- Oh I know, I hope Dean asks me, he’s so buff. And that bulge, oh wow,
he’s packed!
The
other girls giggle in agreement…
Teenage
Girl #3- I heard that he already asked Becky.
All
the teenage girls groan in disgust…
Teenage
Girl #2- You mean “Buck me Becky”! Ugh, she is like so gross!
Teenage
Girl #4- Yeah, she’s like a doorknob, everyone’s had a turn.
The
gangly teenage male approaches the girls as one of them see him coming…
Teenage
Girl #2 (Under her breath)- Oh no, here comes Melvin.
Melvin
approaches and stops short of the girls smiling at them as they look at him in
disgust…
Melvin-
Hi girls.
Teenage
Girl #3- Ugh, like don’t you have like somewhere else you should be or
something?
Teenage
Girl #5- Yeah, like, playing with your “Superfriends”?
All
the girls giggle at this as Melvin seems oblivious to the obvious insult…
Melvin
(Looks at them shy like, while pushing a foot in circles on the floor)- Uh,
heh, heh, no, I umm, well…
Teenage
Girl #2- So like what do you want already, god hurry up, people are looking.
Melvin
(Looking at Girl #1)- Umm, well, the Homecoming Dance is this Friday, and well
(Blushes) I was wondering if you would like to go with me?
Teenage
Girl #1 looks seriously at him, then to her friends, then back at him…
Teenage
Girl #1- Like, when Helen freezes over or something. I mean like, No!
All
the other girls laugh at him…
Teenage
Girl #4 (Motioning to her jock boyfriend)- Yeah, who would want to go out with
“Mini Melvin”?!?
And
the Jock boyfriend goes behind Melvin and pulls his pants and underwear down as
he stands their naked. All the girls
point and laugh at his, well, thingie.
Melvin quickly tries to pull up his pants but the jock boyfriend kicks
him from behind as Melvin goes sprawling to the floor. Everyone in the vacinity begin to laugh as
well, as Melvin, totally red-faced with embarrassment makes his way down the
hallway hitching his britches up as cheers of “Mini Melvin” fill the hallway.
Crying
and embarrassed runs down the hallway and into the student lounge. Melvin looks up to see a vending machine,
and inside is DeathMatch Power Drink…
Melvin-
Damn them! I’ll show them who is Mini
damn it!
And
Melvin buys a bottle of the DMD and heads back up the hallway as most people
see him and laugh. He gets by the girls
again, as most the Jocks are there too.
They laugh at him, but determined, Melvin pops the top of the DMD and
quickly drinks it down. Soon right
after a giant cloud appears, and quickly dissipates as Big Sexy Stefan is
standing there wearing nothing but a Speedo.
Automatically the song “Let’s Get Naked” cranks out as Big Sexy shakes
his moneymaker. The Five girls’ mouths
hang open and they begin to scream “Big Sexy”!
Big
Sexy- Oh yeah baby, and Daddies brought him a little something with him, yeah,
The Human Love Machine!
As
he pulls his Speedo down away from the camera.
All the girls scream and hold their heads. The five girls approach Big Sexy as he dances around them.
Big
Sexy- Now who wants to dance with the sexy one?!?
The
five girls start to fight with each other on who will be with Big Sexy. They tear their clothing, claw at their
faces, smash each other with their purses ‘til they are all a beaten, bloody
pulp. Then they look up to see Big Sexy
walking away with a gangly chick and stare in amazement…
Big
Sexy- Oh yeah, when the chicks don’t dig you, grab yourself a bottle of DMD and
watch them beat the crap out of each other!
Big
Sexy looks at the gangly chick…
Big
Sexy- Oh yeah, Daddies got something for you!
Announcer
Dude- DMD, cause when you are ugly, at least your thirst will be quenched. Available at all participating schools near
you!
Disclaimer:
Drinking DeathMatch Drink will not actually turn you into Big Sexy or any other
Death Match participant…
MS- Okay
well, welcome back fight fans, could you believe what we saw before we went to
break Big Sexy?
BSS- No, that
was quite intense. I loved it!
MS- Well for
anyone that missed it here is a replay of the event…
The cameras
roll with what happened before the commercial break, then go back to Sidious and
Big Sexy…
BSS- Man oh
man, I wonder what Lord DebtAngel means by it's time?
MS- I don't
know BS, but if it's anything like I think it is, business will be picking up
fast. Okay well, let's take a look at
tonight's fight shall we Big Sexy?
BSS- Umm okay,
I suppose, but Sidious, what's up with this alphabet fight? I mean isn't this kinda lame?
MS- Well, I
think it's about these two guys that want the letter A for their name, and will
fight to the death for the rights to said A.
That or we couldn't find a good flame war to bring to the fans. But I have no doubt that this will be an
exciting match!
BSS- Umm,
yeah, well okay. This fight is for the
rights to use the letter A in these fighters names. Well actually, the one that loses won't have to worry about
having to use the letter cause he will be dead, but not withstanding, that's
what the fight is about, and that's what we are going to see.
MS- I agree
Big Sexy. * Puts his finger to his ear * Oh my, fans we need to head to the
back, it seems Lord DebtAngel is creating a big stir back there…
The cameras then switch to the back to find Lord DebtAngel throwing garbage
cans, chairs, and shoving Death Match workers around as he walks down the
corporate hallway. Upon reaching the
door marked
"Y2T's
Office"
DebtAngel
quickly raises a foot and crashes the door inwardly to reveal MysteryMan
sitting in his chair with a naked girl on his lap…
MysteryMan
(Quickly standing)- Oh what huh!?! Hey man, yo man, it isn't like you
think! I mean, she umm, her clothes,
well they just umm, magically came off and uhh, she was scared by the ghost
clothes yeah, and that's why she was in my lap, and uhh. I wasn't touching her honest, it's true,
it's true! I'm all about abstinence and believe all the ladies should stay
untouched until they are married, it's true, it's true!
DebtAngel- I
care not for you or your bimbo, I want Tridus! * As he clenches his fist *
MysteryMan
(Looks around for a second)- Umm, he's not here. He's sick, but I am in charge this week.
DebtAngel
(Looks up and down at MysteryMan in disgust)- I don't talk to some little
wanna-be, I want to talk to Tridus……..NOW!
MM (Nervously
as Lord DebtAngel towers over him)- Uhh, well, he isn't here, I'm telling the
truth. Honest, but I can give him a message
(As Lord DebtAngel backs him into a corner) uhh, if you like * As he looks up
at the enormous, growling man *
DA (Looks
down at MysteryMan)- Tell him, that Article 36 is now invoked.
And the Lord
DebtAngel quickly turns and walks out of the room, leaving MysteryMan standing
there thinking to himself.
MM (To
himself)- What the hell is Article 36?
The cameras
then switch back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy…
MS- Wow, Lord
DebtAngel is not in a good mood. What
do you think about that Article 36 he was talking about Big Sexy? What could it be?
BSS- I don't
know, but if it has anything to do with getting naked, I'm all for it! And by the way, that girl in the office with
MysteryMan, come see me about your ghost clothes. Daddies got a way to keep you away from those nasty ghost
clothes, yeah baby!
MS- Okay well
whatever Big Sexy, I think we should talk about the fighters now.
BSS (Looks
over all depressed)- Awww come on Sidious, I want to talk about something
good. Why is it we always talk about guys,
I wanna talk about chicks, yeah chicks that like to get naked and cover
themselves in olive oil and hot butter…….(Closes his eyes) Mmmmmm hot buttered
naked chicks with olive oil all over them…..
MS- We can
talk about that later, we need to do our jobs now Big Sexy.
BSS- But,
but, Sidious, olive oil naked chicks with hot butter poured on them! Think about it, oh man what a fight that
would be! I would love to be the
referee in that fight!
MS- Heh, heh,
I have no doubt you do Big Sexy, but we need to cover the participants for
tonight's fight.
BSS
(Screams)- Ahhh, cover them?!? No way
Sidious, I'm not covering that Ahole guy!
He'll wanna touch me or something!
MS- No BS, we
need to discuss the fighters, cover them means discuss them.
BSS- Oh, heh,
heh, then I have lots of discussions with chicks then. Heh, heh discussions with chicks that are
naked and covered in olive oil and hot butter! (Closes his eyes and smiles)
Mmmmmm hot buttered naked chicks.
MS (Shakes
his head)- * Sigh * Okay whatever, well fight fans I guess Big Sexy isn't going
to cover the fighters so I will. Anyway
our first contestant for tonight's match up is a man from Down Under, this
fighter is the means to an End, he is of course Ahole! * The fans boo loudly at
his name * Now, this man is known for his dirty underhanded tricks, but believe
me folks, he has enough talent where he doesn't need to resort to these dirty
deeds. Especially with moves like the
"Ass Munch" and the "Hemorrhodial Burn" that will certainly
set-up his finisher in the "Bottoms Up". But while this fighter is a great fighter, he does have a serious
affliction for fine ass booty. In fact
we hear he likes any kind of booty.
Women, men, dogs, cats, hell any kind, he's just an all around ass man!
BSS- Yeah
well the dirty bugger better mind his own hands, my booty ain't for
grabbing. Well, uhh, unless you’re an
18 year old girl that is naked and covered in olive oil and hot butter. (Closes
his eyes again and smiles) Oh look at them all, oh my, Mmmmm hot buttered naked
18 year olds covered in olive oil running around teasing me! (Reaches out with his arms at nothing) Oh,
oh, I almost got you! Heh, heh slippery
little vixens, come back here! (And Big Sexy gets up and starts to run towards
the edge of the announcing booth by Sidious).
I'll get you my pretty, and your little butt cheeks too!
MS (Reaches
out for Big Sexy as he runs by him with his eyes closed and arms extended) Big
Sexy no! Your day drea….
BSS (Opens
his eyes)- Ahhhhhhhh! * Thunk *
MS (With his
hand over his eyes, and peers through them over the edge)- Oh, umm, oh my, uhh
Big Sexy are you all right?
BSS- (Looks
up at Sidious)- Uh, huh, what, what's all right?
MS (Waves a
hand at him)- Ahhh he'll be all right fight fans, if Big Sexy doesn't do
something silly each show, it just isn't a good show. Well I hear that Mother Love is now with Ahole, let's get back
there for some commentary.
Mother Love-
Thanks Sidious, hey where's the Sexy One?
MS- Uhh, he
went, uhh diving Mother.
ML- Well you
tell that man that he puts the jam in my jelly roll!
MS- Will do.
ML (Turns to
a man that just stands slightly behind here looking at her posterior)- Okay,
well Ahole, it seems you have got quite a fight on your hands tonight?
Ahole- Oh
yes, very round.
ML- Uhh
round?
Ahole- Can I
touch it?
ML- Umm,
touch what? Touch your competitor? I
think y…* Screams * Ahhh!
Ahole- Ohhhh,
very soft, much like two pillows.
Reminds me of a trampoline the way the bounce back.
ML- Oh my,
umm, please can we talk about the fight?
Ahole- The
fight? Oh yes, the fight, umm, who am I
fighting anyway?
ML- You are
fighting A.Templar. I believe it's the
right to use the "A" in each of your names.
Ahole- Well
now that's not right, I mean if my name is hole, then that just doesn't have
any meaning, but the "A" gives clarity to my position in this world.
ML
(Confused)- Uhh, I suppose, but what about your competitor. Aren't you the least bit worried about
facing him?
Ahole- Does
this A.Templar have a butt?
ML- I suppose
so.
Ahole-
Excellent then I will be there!
ML- Umm,
okay, uhh, well back to you Sidious.
The camera
cuts back to Master Sidious as he is sitting with a 40ish year old man…
MS- Heh, heh,
okay thanks Mother. Hey fight fans,
look who has joined me here on the commentating booth, it's the one and only
Baywatch star, he is David Hasselhoff. Welcome to the show David!
David
Hasselhoff- Thank you Sides, it's a pleasure and privilege to be here on the
one and only Birth Matches!
MS- Uhh, it's
Sidious Dave, and it's not the Birth Matches, it's the Death Matches.
DH- Oh, uhh,
sorry about that Sidious, I tend to get mixed up. (Looks into his calendar book
and mutters under his breath) Damn publicist, I'll fire her ass for this.
MS- Okay, so
how do you like the Death Matches David, I can call you David right?
DH- Oh
absolutely Sidious, and may I call you Master.
MS- Hey, if
it floats your boat.
DH- The boats
on Baywatch are always afloat.
MS- Uhh,
yeah, I guess they are. So tell me are
you excited about being here.
DH- Oh well
yes, I mean the Death Matches are great family fun. I never miss an episode.
MS- Really,
so which one was your favorite?
DH- Oh, uhh,
that one, where that one guy, and that other guy and they uhh fought or
something.
MS- I see. So
you saw one guy fight another guy or something.
DH- Uhh yeah,
uhh I'll be right back…
And David
Hasselhoff quickly gets up and departs the announcing booth as Sidious watches
him leave…
MS (Turns
back to the cameras)- Color me funny folks, but I don't think he is returning.
Just then Big
Sexy returns to the announcing desk…
BSS- So what
did I miss Sidious?
MS- Oh
nothing much, Mother Love did an interview, said "You put the jam in her
jelly roll!"
BSS- Ack, I
wouldn't put my jam near her jelly roll or even toast for that matter!
MS- And Ahole
doesn't seem to know why he is here.
BSS- Humph,
doesn't surprise me.
MS- And David
Hasselhoff was here.
BSS- Okay. So
tell me, how did I fall off the announcing table.
MS (Looks
around for a second)- Uhh you were day dreaming. Uhh didn't you hear me about David Hasselhoff?
BSS- What was
I dreaming about?
MS (Looks
around some more)- Heh, heh, uhh, well naked chicks.
BSS- Mmmmm
naked chicks, I like that!
MS- Didn't
you hear me about the David Hasselhoff thing Big Sexy?
BSS- So
what's up next Sidious, we doing the fight now or what?
MS (Looks
around at everyone then back to Big Sexy, opens his mouth, then looks around
again)- Uhh no, no, I think we should announce the other fighter now!
BSS- Okay
well, Ahole's competitor tonight is one mean and lean fighter. This man knows what it means to give an
"Ass" whipping, or more importantly an "Ahole"
whipping! He is the man known as
A.Templar.
Sidious
meanwhile looks around in amazement as Big Sexy continues to talk, amazed that
BS hasn't said anything about Hasselhoff being there…
BSS- Now
while this fighter is a tremendous competitor he does have some problems with
over doing it in the early portion of fights.
He really gives everything in the early going and that could be a
problem for him. If he does this and
doesn't put away Ahole, then he may be hard pressed to win this match. But with moves like the "Lost Temple
Bomb" can certainly set-up his finisher in the "Last Call". Only time will tell if this fighter is ready
for tonight's challenge.
Master
Sidious just stares at Big Sexy in awe, and slaps him on the back…
MS- All right
Big Sexy, good job, and it's great that you got over your hatred for David
Hasselhoff.
BSS- Thank
you.
MS- Okay,
well let's get to Mother Love now, who is with A.Templar!
The screen
changes as Big Sexy dives under the desk…
Mother Love
(Standing by a tall man)- Okay well A.Templar a pleasure to have you here at
the death matches. How do you think
tonight's fight will go?
A.Templar- I
couldn't give a rat's ass about this death match, all I know is that Ahole,
your going down punk! I had this
"A" well before you, and I intend to keep this "A" long
after you are 6 feet under the cold earth!
ML- Wow,
strong words there A.T, but what if you can't pull it off, we here at the death
matches, hear that you are a fighter that likes to end his matches early, and
can't handle going into long matches, how about that?
A.T- It
doesn't matter what you think, I am the Templar, and I do what I do! If I want to end this fight early I will,
and if I want to toy with that punk and end it later I will. It's my right to do what I want, and none of
your business about what I can or can't do!
I'll show you, and the world, who is the man tonight! Got me! * As he pokes a finger into her
chest *
ML- Umm,
yeah, uhh back to you guys then!
The cameras
switch back to Sidious and Big Sexy…
MS- Okay,
well, that was sure a interview there, hey Big Sexy?
BSS (From
under the desk)- Is she gone?
MS- For the
love of god Big Sexy, get out from under the desk! Yes, she is gone.
BSS- Okay,
okay (As he climbs out) it's just that man, she is weirding me out with how bad
she wants me.
MS- Oh yeah,
how so?
BSS- Well I
was going to the Shagging Wagon the other day, and she had covered it in whip
cream and hot chocolate! At first I
thought there was a couple of college girls looking to take the ride on Daddies
Magic Worm, but then I saw her!
Freaking stark raving naked as a jaybird with that whip cream in one
hand and that hot chocolate in the other! I have to tell you Sidious, my eyes
still haven't recovered!
MS- Oh Jesus
BS, just do her and get it over with.
BSS- No way
Sidious, if I do that, my reputation would be ruined.
MS-
Reputation? You don't even have a good
reputation Big Sexy!
BSS- Oh yeah,
well I don't want a good one, I like being bad, yeah baby bad to my bone!
MS- Okay well
all right Big Sexy I think it i…
Suddenly
though the music of Puff Daddy's "It's all about the Benjamin's"
cranks out from the house speakers as the three dreaded letters o' doom appear
on the DeathMatch-o-Vision…
n.W.d
MS- Oh no,
damn it no! Why are they coming out
here?
BSS- I don't
know Sidious, but if it has anything to do with what happened in the early going,
I say we better be ready to hop in our Nike's and run!
Just then
Styx, limps out into the arena area carrying a mic in his hand as SM_007 walks
out holding an ice pack to his throat.
Flutie and Peak_Man are conspicuous by their absence. The fans boo
relentlessly then start to cheer as they see a re-run of what happened to them
earlier, and soon start chants of Y2T and M and M…
Styx (Looks
around pissed)- All right damn it, shut your fucking mouths and listen to me!
The fans
continue to cheer for "Y2T" and "M and M" as Styx gets more
and more upset…
Styx- I said
shut your fucking mouths now, or I will go to all your houses, find and ram a
freaking umbrella up each of your asses, open it up and treat you like a
piñata!
That actually
has an effect as the fans actually quite down, knowing Styx would probably
actually do that…
Styx- Now
earlier tonight, some punk mofo's that want to die young! I know who is responsible for the attack,
and trust me (Looks at the camera) Y2T and MysteryMouse, your asses are
ours! I'm going to do things to you
little fruitcakes that would make a hardened serial murder puke! You don't fuck with the black and blue, and
if you do, you end up black and blue! Next week, your asses are ours! Lay it down on them SM!
And he hands
the mic to SM_007 as he grabs the mic, twists his neck and looks to be in
pain. Brings the mic to his lips and
tries to clear his throat…
SM_007 (In a
raspy voice)- * Ahem * Finally, 007 has returned…..* Ahem, Ahem * to the War
Ro-o-o-o-o- * Cough, Cough *! Damn it * Ahem * All right 007 is really pissed
off, and when 007 gets pissed off, people get the Smack laid down on them! Now, 007 could understand why * Ahem *
people would want to hurt the Great One.
007 knows he is the greatest, and people are jealous * Cough, Cough * of
him. But to think it is one thing, to
actually have the gall to lay their hands upon the Great One is another thing *
Ahem *. You see, 007 knows you all want to be like him. 007 knows that the two Jabronies sitting up
there * Pointing at Sidious and Big Sexy * want to be him as well. In fact * Ahem * 007 knows that everyone
wants to be the Great One. But what
happened earlier today proves! Without a shadow of a doubt that Y2T and
MysteryMan want to be the Great One.
Starts to
walk to his right, favoring his right leg…
SM_007- Well
I'll tell * Ahem * you what, they can, they can be the Great One. Ya see, cause 007 can share. 007 can let them come on the show with him,
take the mic in their hands like so.
They can cock their head * Cough * and raise the nWd eyebrow (Cocks his head and raises the eyebrow),
they can play sing along with 007. But
see, then the true Great One will come out.
007 will enter the ring and look at these two * Ahem * Jabronies, he
will see the mics they have in their hands, he will take the mics, take them
and shine them up real nice, * As he spins his finger * And he will take those
mics, he will turn them sideways and stick the straight…
The fans
finish the sentence…
"Up their candy-asses!"
SM_007
(Irrate)- Hey! This ain't sing-along
with 007, so know your roles! And! Shut your mouths!
The fans
instantly boo this, then suddenly on the DeathMatch-O-Vision, MysteryMan
appears as the fans cheer on with a giant ovation of…
"M and M, M and M, M and M!"
MysteryMan
(Smiling and addresses the fans)- Thank you, thank you, thank you my faithful
fans, yes, it is me, your hero! Now it seems you all have been bored long
enough with this, well, poor excuse for a role model, that I, your hero,
decided to come on and let you all know about it. It's true, it's true, I am here to rid the world of this, well,
scum bag, I mean look at you * Motioning at SM_007 * I mean you are obviously a
thug. Long blond greasy hair, stench of
underarm BO. I mean, have you ever
heard of water? * The fans all laugh at this and point at SM_007 who is none to
pleased * I mean and a leather jacket and Jeans, I mean all you are missing is
the pumps to go with it! It's true, it's true my fans, he is actually a women
that looks like a man! I've seen it!
SM_007 (Cuts
off MysteryMan)- Listen up you little Jabronie, 007 doesn't like what he is
hearing. So what, you beat some
Jabronie named Big Tank…. whatever his name was…
MysteryMan-
It was Ha…
SM_007- It
doesn't matter what his name * Cough, Cough * (While holding his throat)
MysteryMan-
Oh poor 007, are you okay? Do you need
a throat lozenge? How about a tic-tac?
SM_007-
Listen up good Jabronie, your ass belongs to the Great One. 007 suggests you get your affairs in order,
cause I'm coming back their and am going * Ahem * to layeth the smacketh down
on your candy ass! If a
smell-la-la-la-la * Cough, Cough, Cough, Cough *
And SM_007
drops the mic and falls to his knee's holding his throat while he has a
coughing fit. Styx checks on him when
suddenly MysteryMan comes from behind a curtain with a steel chair in
hand. SM_007 sees him coming but can't
warn Styx in time. Styx seeing SM_007
pointing at MysteryMan turns around, but it's too late as he is met to the
skull with the steel of the chair. Styx
spins around in a dazed look.
MysteryMan takes the chair as Styx rears around with a punch and jabs
the chair into his gut, practically lifting Styx off the ground. Styx hits the ground holding his stomach as
MysteryMan lays the boots to him.
MS- Oh my
God! We got a match going on right now folks!
Come on MysteryMan kick that ass!
BSS- Heh,
heh, hey, MysteryMan is holding his own here.
Well from coming from behind that is.
But SM_007 looks to be over his coughing fits, here he comes.
Buy
MysteryMan seeing SM_007 on the DeathMatch-O-Vision. SM_007 grabs MysteryMan's arm and spins him around, but
MysteryMan already had the chair up and SM_007 punches it. SM_007 hollers in pain as he holds his hand,
MysteryMan wasting no time lands another chair shot to his back, sending SM_007
into more coughing fits…
MS- Oh wow,
MysteryMan is really showing us some stuff today. I never thought I would see 1 person taking on, and winning
against SM_007 and Styx!
BSS- Well to
be honest Sidious, Styx and SM_007 are honestly hurt. I mean you try to fight after getting hit by a car at top speed,
let's see how you do.
MS- Of course
you are right Big Sexy, but still, these are Death Match guys, they are trained
to take punishment like that. Oh no,
here comes Flutie and Peak_Man!
Flutie and
Peak_Man come charging out from behind the curtain, MysteryMan seeing them and
thinking better of it, high tails it for the ring. MysteryMan finds a mic there and starts in on Peak_Man and
Flutie. Peak's arm is in a sling, and
Flutie's head is bandaged. The fans are going absolutely nuts with chants of…
"nWd
Sucks, nWd Sucks!"
MysteryMan (A
little winded)- Well it looks like I certainly have proven who the hero here in
the death matches is, heh, heh. (Turns
to the cheering fans) It's true, it's true, I have defeated what was
undefeatable before. I mean now
honestly SM_007, you were once a great champion, but you are no longer at top
performance. I mean you don't have the
three "E's" anymore. I, fortunately
for the fans, do have it. "Energy,
Enthusiasm, and Excitement"! Now I'm not saying you couldn't get back
there again, but hey, heh, heh, you just don't have what it takes anymore…
SM_007
continues to gasp and wheeze as Flutie picks up the mic…
Flutie- All
right you fucking idiot! I've had
enough of your stupid dumb shit you pull!
SM_007 could beat your punk ass into the ground anyday of the week and
twice on Sunday! And I could destroy
you within 30 seconds with one of my arms tied behind my back! And that ain't no shit either punk, cause
Flutie Said So!
MysteryMan
nods in agreement for a second…
MysteryMan-
Okay, okay, I see where you are going.
I think I can accommodate you too.
Flutie just
looks at him with his head slightly turned and his eyebrows ruffled…
MysteryMan-
Okay, next week, if you * Pointing at SM_007 and Flutie * accept this, cause I
need time for you all to heal. Wouldn't
want you to blame your injuries sustained by those unknown thugs to be your
downfall. But next week, in this very
ring, I, the new hero of the Death Matches, will take on, not just Flutie! But
SM_007 as well in a first ever, "Mystery Handicapped Match" where
each of you will have an arm tied behind your backs, and you will take me on! So what about it?
Flutie- You
got it punk! Next week you will be
wearing your ass as a god damn hat!
And with that
the nWd depart leaving the fans to cheer M and
M over and over again as he stands on the ropes basking in his glory…
MS- Oh my
god, did you hear that Big Sexy! Next
week Flutie and SM_007 with each of their arms tied behind their backs will
take on the MysteryMan! Oh man is that
exciting or what?!?
BSS- Well it
is exciting, but come on Sidious, it's not as exciting as seeing my "Love
Machine"!
MS- Well
that's for the ladies Big Sexy, I don't much get excited about your, umm, Love
Machine.
BSS (Looks a
little upset)- You don't? I thought
everyone loved my "Love Machine" though.
MS (Looks at
his watch)- Woe, look at that, we need to get this fight under way.
BSS- No, no,
tell me why you don't like my "Love Machine".
MS- Big Sexy
not now, we need to do the show!
BSS- But,
but, but, everyone loves my "Love Machine"! Look, he's doing a trick for you.
MS (Turns and
looks at Big Sexy)- My god in heaven!
Pull your damn pants back up, pull them up for the love of god!
BSS (Pulls
his pants back up)- Now you have to admit that wa…
MS (Grabs BS
by the collar and pulls him close to him)- Big Sexy, if you ever, and I mean
ever, pull your pants down on this show again, I will see to it that you are
trapped in a room, naked with Mother Love for 6-weeks! You will not embarrass me like that again.
BSS (Swallows
hard)- Okay, sorry Sidious, I'm sorry, I just like to have fun is all. And
don't threaten me like that with Mother Love again, I thought you were serious.
MS- Well I
was, now behave Big Sexy. Hey, I hear
that Ahole is making his way out…
Just then the
“Bum-Bum Song” by Tom Green begins to play as Ahole makes his way out into the
audience. Many people wave signs at him
as he meanders by, looking left then right…
BSS- Oh cool,
I love that song! Heh, heh, you ever
watch Tom Green Sidious?
MS- Umm,
yeah, yeah I think I did see it one time.
BSS- Heh,
heh, I loved it when Tom sat on that zucchini.
Ha, ha, “My bum is on a Zucchini, my bum is on a Zucchini!” Ha, ha, man
that Tom Green is funny.
MS- Heh, heh,
I guess Big Sexy, but wait, I think, yes, yes here comes the Mad Templar, here
comes A.Templar!
A.Templar
makes his way out to the tune of Guns and Roses “Appetite for Destruction”
BSS- Oh my,
from the look on his face, he certainly looks hungry, hungry for that
destruction.
MS- Yep, and
we can only hope that Ahole will suppress that appetite. Hey there’s Announcer Dude getting into the
ring, let’s hope that he has gotten his head on straight now.
BSS- Heh, heh
you said head.
MS- Heh, yeah
I did, heh, heh, heh, heh.
BSS (Getting
serious)- Umm Sidious, is there going to be a ref for this fight? I mean it’s been 3 weeks now, we should have
found a replacement, right?
MS- Yeah, I
agree Big Sexy, but I think Y2T likes it without a referee. I mean it certainly adds that extra flavor
to the matches.
BSS- Well
what if one of them brings in a knife?
Or worse yet, a gun! The fight
would be over right there!
MS- Ahh, but
Big Sexy, all the competitors sign contracts saying they will not use Poison,
Knives, Guns, Explosives, Acid, Axes, Swords, scissors Detergents, Bleach, or
any other item deemed to be able to kill a person in an instant. That is of course unless it’s a special
match, then those items could come in to play. If they do use any of those
items, our crack sharp shooter team in the rafters will shot them dead as
well. So you see, we are safe in that
aspect.
BSS- Ahh
okay, well it looks like Announcer Dude is ready to make the pre-fight
introductions, but it appears the fans are still very displeased with his
antics from earlier tonight! Look at
them throw that trash!
And the fans
boo as Announcer Dude picks up the mic.
Trash litters the ring as A.Templar and Ahole go for cover as soft
drinks, and bottles of beer fill the ring.
Announcer Dude though stands steadfast in the midst of the garbage being
directed at him…
Announcer
Dude- Ahhhh shut the hell up! * Waits for a second as the fans get louder with
boos * I said shut up you inbred white trailer park trash pieces of trash! *
The fans actually quite down a bit * All right, well I would say welcome to
this Main Event Match, but you all ain’t worth me even spitting on you! All right, listen up, are you ready!?! * The
fans just continue to boo * Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Damn show some
damn respect, I’m Announcer Dude, the #1 entertaining man on the Death Matches,
even more so than Big Sexy! Now this
match is brought to you by Coors Light, cause you hicks need a beer of such low
standing! * The fans boo some more * All right, LET’S GET
REA-A-A-AD-D-D-D-DY-Y-Y to RU-U-U-M-M-M-MBL-E-E-E-E-E! * The fans actually stop
and cheer this much to Dude’s surprise * All right, see that is better, about
time you hillbillies paid me my… * Thud * (As a full container of Coke slaps
Dude in the head covering him from head to foot in sticky Coca-Cola goodness.)
All right god damn it, that’s it! I
fucking quit this bullshit show!
And Announcer
Dude quickly slams the mic to the ground and storms out of the ring as the fans
sing “Sha-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey good-bye”…
MS- Uhh, well
uhh fight fans it seems we just lost another member of the Death Matches.
BSS (Watching
as Announcer Dude walks up the ramp)- Man oh man, what got into Announcer
Dude? I mean did he forget to take his
Prozac or what?
MS- I don’t
know Big Sexy but look out cause A.Templar is about to, Ooooooo…
BSS- Oh my
god he just nailed Ahole with a trash can while he was checking out some booty!
Internet
Monitors show a split screen with a….
In the corner of the screen. A.Templar is celebrating with the fans on one half, while on the other, shows Ahole watching and reaching for a young girls booty as she is bent over looking for something. A.Templar comes up from behind with a trash can and before Ahole can react, has the trash can driven hard down into his head. Ahole falls immediately to the ground holding his head while A.Templar celebrates…
The screen then goes back to full screen as Master Sidious and Big Sexy commentate…
MS- That dirty no good…Man, the bell hadn’t even sounded yet!
BSS- Well that’s what we get for no Referee in there Sidious. I mean, that’s the whole point now, no ref, no rules!
MS- I suppose Big Sexy, but what about chivalry, the mano a mano, the let’s get it on, and not let me hit you with a trash can before the fight even starts!
BSS- Out the window Sidious, and I have to say, that if I were Ahole, even how hard it is, to not be looking at asses anymore. I mean, well, heh, heh that girls butt was nice though. Hmmm, I wonder if she wants to swing with the Sexy one? I should go find out.
MS- No time now BS, there’s the bell for real and this fight is now official!
Meanwhile in the ring, A.Templar has thrown Ahole into the ring and climbs in after him. A.Templar reaches down and picks up Ahole and throws him to the far ropes. As Ahole hits the ropes and starts to head back toward A.Templar, A.Templar begins to run towards him, and with a violent forearm extended A.Templar hits Ahole in the throat, and as he does, A.Templar goes immediately downwards sending Ahole doing a full 360 flip in the air and landing on his back hard in the middle of the ring…
MS- Oh my god! That was an awesome clothesline! I thought Ahole’s head was gonna pop right the hell off!
BSS- Yeah, that was sweet! Man oh man, is Ahole getting the crap knocked out of him.
MS- Yeah, and there goes A.Templar again, what’s he doing?
And in the ring A.Templar bounces off the near ropes leaping over Ahole laying on the mat, and with a swift move leaps up on the top rope in between the turnbuckles and sling shots himself off, performing a beautiful moonsault that makes a direct landing to Ahole’s ribs. Ahole hollers out in pain as A.Templar gets up laughing…
MS- My god, my god, my god I never in my broadcast years thought I would ever see the “Russian Moon Landing” oh man that was sure pretty!
BSS- Yeah but Ahole isn’t looking too pretty right now! Uh oh, what’s A.Templar doing with him now!
And inside the ring, A.Templar picks up Ahole and carries him over to one of the corners. And with a swift move drops him over one of the turnbuckles as Ahole’s neck snaps back. Ahole hits the mat and groans in pain as he grabs his neck, meanwhile A.Templar gets out of the ring and heads to the fans…
BSS- Oh boy, he gave him one of my favorites, “The Slinky Snake!” and man, Ahole’s head looked pretty “Slinky” snapping back like that!
MS- I know BS, it looked like one of those Pez Candy Dispensers. That was certainly a rude awakening for Ahole. But what on god’s earth is A.Templar doing? Ahole is actually getting up and he is arguing with a fan.
BSS- Oh I see, he wants a little extra weaponry. Look he’s taking the fans private chair. Man is that chair nice to!
And with that chair A.Templar makes his way into the ring. Ahole meanwhile is hanging on the ropes trying to get his wind back when A.Templar comes rearing in with the chair. A.Templar though misses as Ahole sees him coming just in the nick of time. Ahole delivers a knee to A.Templar’s lower stomach, but it doesn’t faze A.Templar in the slightest as he rears around with the chair with one hand striking Ahole in the side of the head. Ahole goes scrambling, trying to maintain his feet, but to no avail as he goes scattering to the mat…
MS- Oh man, what a shot from A.Templar. How much more of this can Ahole take? How much more punishment can he endure?
BSS (Looking through his binoculars)- I don’t know about that, but I do know why that fan didn’t want to depart with his chair! (Looks at Sidious and points to A.Templar holding the chair) There’s a naked picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt on that there chair!
MS (Lifts his eyebrows)- Really? Let me see! Let me see! (As he reaches for the binoculars)
BSS- No way Sidious, you get the earpiece, I get the binoculars (Sticks his tongue out at him) So there!
MS- Oh I don’t care anyway, hey! Ahole is actually getting up!
BSS (Looking through the binoculars)- Nope, there he just went down, down to another ass shot from Jennifer Love Hewitt’s sweet, sweet Ass!
Meanwhile back in the ring, Ahole attempts to roll out of the ring, but A.Templar grabs his foot and drags him back into the ring. Ahole kicks a foot at A.Templar striking him in the chest. A.Templar let’s go of his foot and scrambles backwards. Ahole seeing the advantage quickly gets to his feet and picks up the chair, but as he turns, A.Templar is already back up to and the only thing Ahole sees, is the ass of Jennifer Love Hewitt striking his face after A.Templar drop kicked it back into his face…
BSS (Cringing)- Oh man, I don’t think that’s what Ahole had in mind there. Although I wouldn’t mind Miss Hewitt’s lovely tail in my face though, heh, heh.
MS- I would hope not, I mean everything that A.Templar is doing is giving Ahole some serious punishment, and Ahole has had little to no offense as of yet! How much more can that man take!
Meanwhile back in the ring, A.Templar picks up Ahole and lays him across his shoulders. A.Templar motions to the fans, who cheer for him, then with a smooth effective move he launches Ahole off his shoulders and spins his body in the air while holding his neck. But Ahole, being ever-present minded snaps both his arms between A.Templar’s releasing his hold. Ahole lands behind A.Templar who unknowingly lunged forward thinking he still had Ahole. As A.Templar turned around Ahole drives a foot to his gut, then grabs his head and lifts him into the air and flips him so he comes down with his back landing on the mat…
MS- Yes, Yes, Yes! I thought the bout was over! Oh man what a comeback move for Ahole! A.Templar went for the “Last Call” but Ahole was the one doing the calling there! I never thought he had that in him, hey Big Sexy? (Looks over to see Big Sexy getting up) And where are you going?
BSS- I’ll be right back Sidious, right now, Big Sexy’s on a mission!
MS- Yikes!
But back in the ring, Ahole attempts to drive a knee into A.Templar’s head, but misses as he rolls to the side. Ahole rolls over in pain as his knee didn’t hit the target. A.Templar gets on his hands and knees and breaths hard as the fight has been on going for quite some time now. Suddenly Big Sexy pops up at ringside, and gently climbs into the ring. Ahole is getting back up just as Big Sexy reaches and grabs the chair, just as Ahole does too…
Big Sexy- Hey Ahole, give me the chair!
Ahole- No, I need this chair, (Looks at it) and look at that ass!
Big Sexy- I know, Sexy isn’t it?
Ahole- I’ll say, so round, so big, and oh man what a crack! I mean look how the cracks converge from the curve of the butt cheeks!
Big Sexy (Looks)- Oh yeah, he that is sexy!
Ahole- Indeed, now give me the chair! * As he tugs on it *
Big Sexy (Tugging back)- No!
Meanwhile A.Templar has regained his feet and is headed for Big Sexy’s back.
MS- Oh no! Big Sexy look out, A.Templar is back up! Oh man and Ahole can’t see it, cause Big Sexy is taller than he is!
A.Templar gets to Big Sexy, just as Big Sexy with one finally tug snatches the chair out of Ahole’s hands. But with the amount of pressure he was trying to get the chair, the momentum lifted the chair up over Big Sexy’s head and strikes A.Templar on his. Big Sexy feeling he hit something turns around to see A.Templar stumble around dazed and confused…
BSS (To A.Templar)- Hey dude, you okay? You don’t look too good.
Ahole (From behind Big Sexy)- Damn it, outta my way.
BSS (Turns with the legs of the chair pointed backwards as Ahole comes by him)- Huh? What was that?
And the point of one of the legs greets Ahole in the groin. Ahole grabs his crotch and proceeds to do the nut dance. Big Sexy just stares at him, oblivious to the fact that he hit him with the chair…
MS- My god, Big Sexy is taking out the fighters himself! And he doesn’t even realize he is doing it! (Gets on the house mic) Big Sexy! Get out of the ring before you get killed!
Big Sexy just stares up at Sidious and waves and screams…
BSS- Thanks Sidious, I did get the chair! * As he waves the chair at Sidious *
Sidious just covers his face and moans…
Then from behind Big Sexy A.Templar approaches from behind Big Sexy. Upon reaching him, he grabs his arm and twists him around…
A.Templar- What the hell is the big idea! Why are you out here for punk?
Big Sexy (Nervously)- Umm, I just came for the chair, see, and now that I have it. I will be leaving now…
A.Templar- I don’t think so, I think I’m gonna * Grabs the chair out of Big Sexy’s hands * make this chair a permanent part of you!
Big Sexy gulps loudly as A.Templar stands above him with the chair held high. Suddenly though from out of nowhere, Ahole lands on top the chair forcing it down into A.Templar’s head. The chair then bounces off A.Templar’s head and into Big Sexy’s greedy little hands, as Sidious pleads with him to get out of the ring…
MS (On the house mic)- Damn it, get out of there Big Sexy, they are going to kill you!
BSS (Shouts back)- Yes, yes Sidious, this is quite thrilling!
Meanwhile A.Templar still stands dazed and confused as Ahole bounces off the far ropes and dives straight into A.Templar’s ass with his teeth. A.Templar’s eyes go wide and yelps out in pain and starts to run around with Ahole attached to his ahole. Big Sexy just stands in the middle of the ring, admiring the chair he just obtained…
MS- My god, my god, that’s the “Ass Munch”! He got the “Ass Munch” on A.Templar! It’s the first time Ahole has been able to get an offensive move going in this match! What the hell is Big Sexy doing now! Why is he, he, he’s licking the chair?!? Somebody for the love of god, get Big Sexy out of the ring! Now damn it, now!
Meanwhile Ahole unlatches himself from A.Templar. A.Templar tries to punch at Ahole, but is slow in the delivery of his punches. Ahole meanwhile kicks one of A.Templar’s knees out from under him as A.Templar meets the mat. A security guard comes into the ring and grabs Big Sexy by the arm. Big Sexy startled turns around quickly whacking the guard in the head and rendering the man unconscious…
MS (On the house mic)- Oh lord, Big Sexy you get out of that ring now!
BSS (Looking at the unconscious security guard)- Hey! Who are you?
MS- Oh my, here comes Ahole again, damn it Big Sexy, get out of there!
Big Sexy though talks to the unconscious man on the ground, showing him his new found treasure when Ahole grabs Big Sexy and turns him around…
Ahole- Hey!
Big Sexy (Apprehensively)- Hey!
Ahole- Your Big Sexy aren’t you?
Big Sexy- Hey!
Ahole- Okay Big Sexy, get the hell out of my ring now! Understand?
Big Sexy- Umm, k, * Looks down at Ahole’s feet * Hey a quarter!
And Big Sexy reaches down and picks up the quarter as Ahole leans over about to grab onto Big Sexy when suddenly Big Sexy rears up with the back of his head meeting with Ahole’s chin. Ahole staggers backwards dazed as Big Sexy turns and starts to leave the ring with his new chair, and a shiny quarter to boot. Ahole stands there staggering when suddenly A.Templar grabs a hold of him, lifts him up on his shoulders and with a quick move throws Ahole’s body out and leaps in the air, forcing Ahole’s neck down into his shoulder as they both hit the mat…
MS- “Last Call”, “Last Cal”, my god in heaven, it’s the “Last Call”! This fight is over! It’s over!
Just then Big Sexy rejoins Sidious…
Big Sexy- Hey, what did I miss?
MS- Plenty Big Sexy, Ahole is out, and our winner for the match and alphabet champion is A.Templar!
BSS- Oh, okay. Hey Sidious, check it out, I got the chair!
Big Sexy shows Sidious the chair…
BSS- And a quarter too! I think it’s a lucky quarter.
MS- Big Sexy, that isn’t Jennifer Love Hewitt! That’s Janet Reno!
Big Sexy looks at the chair, then to Sidious, then back at the chair…
BSS- Well Janet Reno’s got a nice ass!
MS (Just shakes his head)- Oh my, well fight fans, that’s it for this week. Your winner, thanks to Big Sexy, is A.Templar! Stay tuned next week folks cause we have that MysteryMan vs. SM_007 and Flutie coming at ya then. Until then I’m Master Sidious!
BSS (With the chair in front of his face)- And I’m Janet Reno’s bicycle seat! Saying…
MS and BSS- Good Fight, Good Night!
As the Credits roll…
Announcer Dude- Fuck the credits, what about the dude!?! I’m what makes this show run!
Tridus Inc.- Yeah you better run punk!
Announcer Dude (Screaming)- Ahhhhhhhh!
Disclaimer- No words were actually hurt during the making of this show, well okay, except for the “A”.
©FNWRDM™ Friday Night War Room Death Match™
is the sole property of Sid6.9 Enterprises and some guy named Marc Angle.. Any
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