The lights on all the Internet Monitors around the globe come on instantaneously revealing words scrolling across their screens…
The following presentation is a rated “PG-13” event and may feature graphic violence, strong language and adult content. Viewer discretion is advised…
Weird Ass Sports in co-operation with Tridus Inc. would like to present you with the following…
The following is
dedicated to the memory of the Ref, Shockwave!
A picture of Shockwave with his DOB and DOD are shown
as well as the ten count of the ring bell can be heard. At the end of the ten count, the camera
suddenly has an image for a brief second of Agent rRaminrodt laughing, then
goes back to the still image of Shockwave…
Some
like it tough,
While
some like it raw.
Some
like the deaths,
While
some like the brawls.
But
right now you know
What
time it is!
It’s
time to get it on!
Death Match!
Suddenly though a can of spray paint appears and wipe out all the letter but the N from Night, the W in War, and the D in Death. The W grows overly large as the N and D grow smaller and go to a lower case leaving…
n.W.d
Which then
disappears as the DeathMatch-O-Vision comes to like with a picture of SM_007
with the nWd eyebrow raised, Flutie smashing
two beers together then drinking them, Styx staring intensely into the screen
with his arms folded across his chest, and Peak_Man eating…
Suddenly the
monitors change to show a darkened arena where shadowy figures can be seen
jumping about. The lights inside the
arena flicker with brief light, then fade away, suddenly explosions start
shooting out of everywhere as the lights have a type of strobe effect, and the
music of Limp Bizkit’s “Backstabber” can be heard blaring from the house
speakers. Several barely dressed women
dance atop the DeathMatch-O-Vision shaking their “bon-bons”. The lights inside the arena come on revealing
a ton of fans freaking out towards the cameras. Most are waving their hands and homemade signs, while others
drink their beers or are in fights with other drunks. The cameras pass by them as they scream words that cannot be
understood. They wave their signs in
front of the camera as it passes, some of them read…
“I love the
MysteryMan!”, “Peak_Man ate my hat!”, “Hey Flutie, can I get a beer?”, “Kilroy
was here!”, “Styx means pain in Latin!”, “I want some of what Big Sexy gets!”
and finally “I have a secret, I used to be Disgruntled Gamer!”
The cameras
then switch over to a man as he appears on the DeathMatch-O-Vision. The fans immediately recognize him and begin
to chant “Dude, Dude, Dude!”
Announcer
Dude- Welcome and greeting death match fight fans! * The fans erupt into a
cheer * I am of course your announcer, Announcer Dude, and this is of course
the…
The fans take
over “The Friday Night War Room Death Matches” then erupt even louder into
cheers…
Announcer
Dude- Yes! And fight fans what will
happen tonight when a fat over weight, boisterous janitor man lands in the ring
with a over eager, show boating, underachiever that is a mystery? What will happen when the devil of the forum
meets with the patriarch of virtue? Will Y2T be able to contain the nWd? Will
Peak_Man ever get that radio flyer cart he has always wanted? And will you see some death and destruction
tonight? Well stay tuned cause the
Friday Night War Room Death Matches are next!
The screen
then cuts to black and comes back to like to show several teenagers drinking at
a party…
Teenager #1- Oh man did you see last weeks
death match? Oh man was that awesome or
what? I couldn’t believe that Peak_Man
actually beat Styx!
Teenager
#2- Yeah and what about the main event, SM_007 killed the ref! Oh man I never even saw that coming!
Teenager
#3- Ahh to hell with the nWd, they suck, now I
really want to see that guy from 2 weeks ago, yeah the innovator of violent
entertainment, Mister EZ. He rocks.
Teenager
#1- Shit, Mister EZ bites, give me Flutie and the nWd
anyday, Mister EZ bites man.
Teenager
#3- He does not!
Teenager
#1 and 2- Does too!
Teenager
#3- You guys are stupid!
Teenager
#1- Oh we’re stupid huh? Well here,
let’s see how stupid you are bleeding and laying on the ground!
And
with that the other 2 teenagers jump the third one pummeling him to the ground
stomping and kicking at him. Eventually
they stop and laugh at him and go back to the party…
Teenager
#2 (As he is walking away)- Ha, Mister EZ, what a joke.
Teenager
#1- Yeah that dude don’t know nothing about nothing. Pssh Mister EZ!
The
beat up teenager struggles to his feet and heads to the fridge for a bag of
ice, when he opens the bottom part and sees a bottle of DMD sitting in the
fridge. The teenager gets a gleam in
his eyes and grabs the bottle and staggers back out to the party where the
other 2 teenagers are busy chatting with some cute gals from school…
Teenager
#1 (Notices #3 coming and nudges the second)- Hey look who is coming back dude.
Teenager
#2 (Turns and laughs)- Hey everyone look, it’s Mister Buttwipio!
All
the teens in the party laugh at him including the girls they are talking
too. But Teenager #3 remains steadfast
and approaches the other two…
Teenager
#2- Oh no! Looks like he’s go a bottle
of Death Match Drink! Guess he can’t
handle drinking beer and liquor like the rest of us.
Teenager
#1- What a lightweight, and so lame too.
Teenager
#3 (Un-popping the top of the bottle)- You punks need to be taught a serious
lesson in EZ Ville!
And
with that, Teenager #3 gulps down the entire bottle of DMD juice, but nothing
happens…
Teenager
#2- Ha, ha, ha, dumbass those are just commercials were people turn into Death
Match participants, man are you lame, now get out of here I’m trying to get
some trim. Or I’ll kick your ass again.
Teenager
#1- Yeah lame ass, get lost, we are gonna get us some, and your lame ass is
bothering us!
The
two teenagers turn around just as a giant puff of smoke appears before the rest
of the party goers and standing before their wide eyes and gaping mouths is
Mister EZ!
Mister
EZ (To the two teenagers)- So ya wanna mess with Mister EZ, well there’s
nothing EZ about it!
Teenager
#2 (As he is turning around)- Man what did I (Sees Mister EZ) teeeellllll
yooouuu? Oh crap.
And
with that Mister EZ grabs up the teenager and slams him up against a wall then
while holding him by the back of his pants, dropkicks him out the window…
Mister
EZ- Oh yeah baby, when Mister EZ hits the party, the party hits the bricks!
Mister
EZ- Ahh yes, they always come in one, but they always leave in pieces!
And
Mister EZ climbs up top the sofa, motions to the other teens who cheer and
launches off nailing the EZ come, EZ go on teenager #1!
Mister
EZ grabs a bottle of DMD and looks at the camera…
Mister
EZ- When you get your hands on a bottle of DMD, you can say to those nasty
thirsts, “EZ come, EZ go!”
Announcer
Dude- Death Match Drink, cause no thirst is safe from the DMD. Available now in easy to carry six-packs at
all participating stores!
Announcer
Dude (While the fans start a wave inside the stadium)- Okay fight fans, it is
that time, time to send you over to the Master of the Death Match chat! The man that makes all the stars, he is of
course…..Master Sidious!
All the fans
erupt in a cheer “Go Sidious, It’s your party, Go Sidious!”
The cameras
switch over to Master Sidious as he takes the house mic and begins to great the
in-house audience…
Master
Sidious- Thank you fight fans! I am so
happy to be here in what promises to be one historic night! I am of course your host for the Death
Matches and of course joining me as always is my tag-team partner…He is the
“Pauper of Pipe Town”, the man that “Loves all the Cherries” and the man that
really puts the Men are from Mars concept, he is of course…..
But before
Sidious can finish Big Sexy immediately jumps up on the desk tearing open his
shirt and closing his eyes in anticipation of the crowds reaction when he hears…
Hundreds of
manly voices scream “ Big Sexy Stefan, give us the Human Love Machine! Yeah big boy, give it to us rotten baby
yeah!”
Big Sexy
Stefan (Screams as he covers himself up)- Ahhh what the?!? Sidious, what are they doing here! *
Pointing at the section filled with men dressed in purple and pink outfits,
wearing half shirts and skintight pants. *
Master
Sidious- Umm, I don’t know Big Sexy? I
didn’t think they would be here too.
BSS (Holding
his head in his hands)- Oh no, that’s just great, now the G-Spot is
un-sexy. (Reaches over grabbing
Sidious) We have to do something about this Sidious! They have taken over the G-Spot!
I always have the G-Spot filled with ladies! How can I touch the G-Spot now Sidious, huh? (Frantically) Huh? (While shaking Sidious) Tell me
Sidious! How can I touch the G-Spot
now!
MS (Brushing
Big Sexy away)- Damn it BS, what did I tell you about grabbing me. Do I have to get that court order
restraining you again?
BSS
(Apologetic with eyes down)- Sorry Sidious, you don’t have to do that, although
I did like the restraining part, it was so sexy! And the girl that restrained me, oh how she could tighten down
those straps so well (As he sits his elbow on the desk and his head on his head
and looks up) She was dreamy.
MS- Ehh,
okay, apology accepted, I think. Umm
well I don’t think there is anything we can do about the….Did you call it a
G-Spot?
BSS (Shaking
his head)- Huh, what? Oh yeah, the
G-Spot, yeah it’s section G and it’s always filled with girls, see G for the
section and Girls. And well girls have
a g-spot so I thought it was gangbusters to say that! Now there is these Ground Pounders sitting in my G-Spot sextion! There has to be something done about this
Sidious, (Gets frantic again) we need to call security right away! Throw the fruit booties out, throw them out!
MS- We can’t
do that Big Sexy, they paid to see the show, that wouldn’t be right to kick
them out like that.
BSS (Looking
at Sidious crazily)- I don’t think you get my point Sidious, I don’t want them
here! They stare at me with their
wanting eyes, protruding my soul, looking at me and un-dressing me with their
eyes like the dirty buggers they are.
They are doing it Sidious, look at them * As he points out to them *
they want my “Love Machine” Sidious, and they can’t have it!
MS- So don’t
give it to them, just ignore them Big Sexy.
BSS (Looking
upset and stubborn)- But I want the ladies back! Out with the buttmunchers and in with the sexy ladies, yeah baby
that would be sexy. And oh, if security
could you know, rough them up on the way of throwing them out, that would be
good too.
MS (Appauld)-
Big Sexy! I can’t believe you. I can’t believe that you would say such a
thing! I mean they are people too.
BSS- Oh yeah,
then what about that guy * Pointing downward *
Bent over Gay
Man (With his pants down)- Woo hoo Big Sexy, look who it is…. It’s Mister
Browneye! He says (Moving his sphincter
with his finger) Excuse me Mr. Sexy, but would you happen to have a breath
mint? Prehaps a tic-tac? How about a Mentos, it’s the fresh maker!
Big Sexy
grabs the house mic…
BSS- You are
all sick you hear me! Sick in the
head! You are not right, your thingies
between your legs don’t go there!
That’s for going out not going in, well only doctors can go in!
Gay Doctor-
Woo hoo Big Sexy, I think it’s time for your rectal exam (As he snaps a glove
on his hand)
BSS (Looking
down)- Oh no! Dr. Goodlove, no! You’re gay too?
MS- Who’s Dr.
Goodlove?
BSS- He was
my family doctor, he told me that all those rectal exams I was getting was
necessary. I feel so dirty now * Starts
rubbing his arms * Look Sidious, it’s not coming off, the dirt’s not coming
off!
MS (Trying to
calm down Big Sexy)- Big Sexy calm down buddy, we will think of something so
you don’t need to see the bad men.
(Looks at the camera) Umm folks we are going to take you now to some
earlier coverage of when the nWd when they
arrived to the arena (Turns back to Big Sexy) It’s okay BS we will make sure
they won’t touch you.
The cameras
switch to outside the arena with a “Earlier Today” in the upper left hand
corner of the monitors, when a limousine pulls up, and out piles SM_007, Styx,
Flutie, Hank with his Flutie is God T-shirt on and Peak_Man…
Flutie
(Patting Peak_Man on the back)- Good job Peak, I’m glad to see that you finally
can get out of the car on your own now.
Peak_Man
(Proud)- Peak a big boy now!
Styx looks
back at Peak_Man and shakes his head, while SM_007 stops at the camera and
stares at it, Mother Love quickly approaches with a microphone in hand…
Mother Love-
Hi guys, hey SM, can I have an exclusive with you?
SM_007 (Looks
Mother Love up and down)- You? You want
an exclusive with The Great One? I
think I now what you really want an exclusive with. Now why would 007 grant you an exclusive.
Mother Love-
Cause I’m sexy, just ask Big Sexy, he knows these things. And I’m happy, happy to see you.
SM_007- Sexy
you say? 007 knows sexy. Ya see you are a fat piece of…wait, no
that’s not it. Oh yeah, you are so big
that you could…No wait, that’s not right either. (Thinks for a second then snaps his fingers) You look like you
are only happy when you have a cheeseburger in this hand (Holding out his right
hand) and a Chocolate Shake in the other.
But you know what you can do?
Mother Love-
Stick ‘em up my candy ass?
SM_007 (Looks
at her in disgust and raises the nWd eyebrow)-
This isn’t sing along with 007. No! You
can shake that fat ass out of here!
Give the nWd champion the mic too Shamu!
Mother Love
gets a little pissed tosses the mic to SM_007…
SM_007 (Looks
up then smells the air, then looks back at the camera)- Finally 007 has
returned to the Death Matches! The
Great One says the nWd is here to layeth down
the smack and grab some of that poontang pie out there in the audience
tonight. 007 is going to be making some
changes. What kind of changes you
ask? It doesn’t matter what kinda
changes I’m gonna make Jabronies! The
Great One has some plans for the rowdy-poo candy ass Y2T, and tonight 007 gets
what is coming to him! And after
tonight, the millions, and I mean the…
Suddenly a
group of fans nearby scream “and the millions!” While SM_007 snaps his head
over in their direction…
SM_007 (Too
the Jabronies shouting)- Hey! This is
not sing along with 007 Jabronies, so just know your roles, and shut your
mouths! (Turns back to the camera) If
ya smell-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la what 007 (Cocks his head back then down, pulls
his ray-bans down and moves close to the camera and raises the nWd eyebrow and speaks softly) is cooking.
And SM_007
tosses the mic as the 5 of them make their way towards the arena entrance,
Peak_Man suddenly runs out in front giggling…
Peak_Man
(Giggling)- Peak get door!
Peak_Man
grabs the doorknob and lifts on the whole door ripping it from the hinges with
a couple of bricks getting dislodged as well.
Peak_Man turns around smiling with the door in his massive hands as
everyone just stares at him…
Peak_Man
(Proud looking)- Look Flut, I use doorknob this time!
SM_007 raises
the eyebrow again as Styx just stands there laughing at Peak_Man…
SM_007 (Looks
right at Flutie)- Don’t you let that Jabronie * pointing at Peak_Man * touch
another door again. He embarrasses us.
(As he turns away from Flutie) Honestly we should have gotten rid of him and kept
British.
Flutie just
stands there looking at SM_007 as he walks inside. Both SM_007 and Styx look at Peak_Man and shake their heads in
disbelief at him. Flutie approaches
Peak_Man who is still holding the door proudly, but then seeing Flutie’s face
gets depressed…
Peak_Man-
Peak did bad again didn’t he?
Flutie
(Thinks for a second)- It’s not your fault Peak, you are just a little slower
than others is all.
Peak_Man- But
SM and Styx, well I know Styx do, hated Peak.
Why they hate Peak for Flut?
Flutie- They
don’t hate you Peak, they just don’t understand you is all. (Pulls something
from his pocket) Here have a blow pop!
And Flutie
hands Peak_Man a tootsie roll blow pop much to the delight of Peak_Man who
starts to sing “How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie
roll!” And they disappear through the
gaping hole and into the halls of the Arena…
The cameras
then switch back to Master Sidious, and Big Sexy, with a big partition hiding
Big Sexy from view…
Master
Sidious- Wow, well the nWd is certainly in the
house tonight hey Sexy?
Big Sexy
Stefan (From behind the partition)- I wouldn’t know, I can’t see shit.
MS- Well it’s
either this, or looking at them down there.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- * Sigh * All the crap I have to put up with
Sidious. Next week the girls better be
back! And tell the workers to make sure
to give those seats a good scrubbing!
MS- Why Big
Sexy?
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Well heh, heh, I like to lick the seats after the ladies
go home.
MS- I see,
ehhh, well that’s nice BS. Umm, I think
we have covered enough of that now. Umm
what did you think SM_007 meant by what he said?
BSS (From
behind the partition- Probably that what he always means, ya know, Great One,
Smack Down, Jabronies, Rowdy-Poo, Candy Asses, and sticking things in said
candy asses. Hey! That gives me an idea, maybe SM_007 can come
out here and do something about these people in the G-Spot sextion! You know, they like things up their candy
asses, maybe 007 can help them out.
MS- Umm, I
don’t think SM_007 means that literally Big Sexy.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Well then why does he say it?
MS- Well
because, having things placed inside you rectum would be, well, uncomfortable
to say the least.
BSS (From behind
the partition)- Preach on the word brother!
So he says it like a way to put down his opponent that he is going to
make them uncomfortable when he fights them.
Just like if something was crammed up their candy asses?
MS- Yes,
that’s it Big Sexy. My god, this is the
first time we agreed on something so soon!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Well BS don’t put up with BS being put up his CS if you
get my drift Sidious.
MS- Loud and
queer, I mean, clear, clear, loud and clear!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- You sure you shouldn’t be joining them Sidious?
MS- Come now
BS, I have a wife and seven children!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Seven! When did
this happen!?!
MS- Last week
the misses had our seventh child Jub-jub.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Wow Sidious, you are a machine!
MS (Thinks
for a second)- Yes, yes I am. (Gets
into Barry White voice) A Love Machine baby!
BSS (From
behind the partition) Hey, hey that’s enough Sidious, there’s only one love
machine here!
MS- Oh right,
sorry BS. Hey let’s tell the fight fans
about the first match we are going to be seeing tonight!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Okay well, the first fight was set-up as a re-match of a
fight that never took place that actually took place but because no one saw it,
didn’t take place and was unoff…Sidious?
Who writes this crap?
MS- Umm, I
don’t know Big Sexy, but I wouldn’t make him mad.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- All right, well they are fighting, so who gives a damn
on why. Well our first fighter is a
native of Arkansas. He is also a
relative to the nWd’s Flutie. Probably why we saw him with them. He is of course Big Tank Hank. Now this fighter is big, fat, and wears
overalls. Not much is known about him,
and I don’t really care too know. All I
know is he takes out my trash at 9:30pm everyday and that’s all I care
about. But for sake of arguing, he is
well, umm, Flutie’s cousin and he’s big.
MS- That’s
all you know about him?
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Yep.
MS- Oh Big
Sexy that was pathetic. You didn’t even
mention his finishing move.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Who cares, his competitor tonight is going to kill him
anyway.
MS- Oh come
now BS, you know better than to predict that.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- No way, his competitor, MysteryMan, was trained by
Y2T! I have seen who else trained this
man too Sidious! You want to know who
it is?
MS (Intrigued
as he looks at Big Sexy)- Who?
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Mister EZ. Yep
the same Mister EZ who killed off Jerock and AxeCrush about 2 weeks ago. Yep he’s been showing MysteryMan some moves
and believe me, they are awesome. But
his finisher in “Mystery Meat” is still being guarded. They caught me with my sexy spy cam before I
could see it. Here I’ll play the tape
for you.
And BS puts
in the tape from behind the partition and when the screen comes to life on the
DeathMatch-O-Vision, there’s BS and that Snotty Lady from last week going at
it. All the fans and Sidious all cock
their heads to the side as BS tries to turn off the tape…
MS (After the
tape is off, and laughing)- Well I think all the fans at home now know about
YOUR “Mystery Meat” there Big Sexy.
BSS (From
Behind the partition)- Oh crap, umm, well, umm, hey umm well that was uhh the
wrong tape.
MS- I would
say so.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Umm, well Hank is going to die tonight, because umm, he
didn’t get training like MysteryMan did.
MS- Or you
for that matter, heh, heh.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Okay Sidious, enough of that, Hank will lose tonight,
I’m banking on it.
MS- Well
Flutie is his cousin, I’m sure he trained him.
I mean he wouldn’t let his own blood go out there and lose blood. I have a feeling Big Tank Hank is going to
surprise us.
BSS- Yeah,
well I have a feeling that SOMEONE IS TOUCHING MY LEG! * Big Sexy looks down to see a dude looking
at him from under the desk, in which he promptly screams and jumps up * Ahhh,
gay, gay, gay man at 6 o’clock! Open
fire! Open fire!
Gay man under
the desk- Oh I’ll show you the fire big boy (As the man turns around sticking
his butt in the air) Say hello to Mr. Browneye again Big Sexy Boy!
BSS
(Screams)- Ahhh, Mr. Browneye! Well say
hello to Mr. Black and Blue Eye!
And the gay
man turns around and is met with a fist to the eye. The man slides down into the trap door underneath the announcing
booth. Big Sexy shoves him all the way
down and slams the door shut…
BSS- Damn it
Sidious, I tell you they are working my last nerve!
MS- Don’t
worry Big Sexy I’m on the horn here to get him removed.
BSS
(Screams)- Ahhh your on the horn!?!
MS- The radio
Big Sexy, the radio! Just remember folks if you’re not invited to the
announcing booth, then you will be removed from the Arena. (And Sidious gets on
his walkie-talkie) Attention Security, we have a Mr. Brownie running around
under, the announcing booth, please remove him from the arena for unlawful
acts.
BSS
(Standing)- And as an added stipulation to that rule, all the lovely ladies are
always welcome to climb my pants, * Shakes his head * I mean come, come to the
announcing booth. We really like to
hear your body * Shakes his head again * I mean see your commentary. Ahhh hell just come on up and see the Big
Bad Sexy Daddy! Now where’s my hammer,
cause it’s hammer time!
MS (Holding
his ear piece)- Okay hey Big Sexy, it appears Mother Love has made her way to
Big Tank Hank, and our own Tridus is going to do the MysteryMan interview. I hope Y2T addresses on who will be the
Referee now, since Shockwave’s unexpected death last week. By the way fight fans, we wish to make it
known that you can send any donations to the following address. Care of Shockwave memorial fund, 555 Mount
Terrace St., Irvine CA. 98436. Umm this
address looks kind of funny. (Looks over at Big Sexy who can’t be seen but
heard whistling)
MS- Big Sexy
why does this say your address?
BSS (From
under the desk)- What ever do you mean Sidious. (As sounds of hammering can be
heard)
MS- You put
your address on here didn’t you?
BSS (From
under the desk)- Umm, no, no I didn’t.
MS looks
perplexed at the audience then brightens up and looks over at Big Sexy, and
while whistling sticks his foot over by Big Sexy and runs his toe up the crack
of his ass. Big Sexy screams…
BSS
(Screaming)- Ahhhh there up here again! * Bang * Ouch!
The table
suddenly jerks upwards as Big Sexy bangs his head on the desk from the shock of
being goosed…
BSS (Coming
up above the partition holding his head and the hammer in a defensive posture
while Sidious giggles to himself)- All right where are you at you Peter
Pumpers! * Looks around some more while Sidious continues to giggle at him *
MS
(Giggling)- Okay let’s get to those interviews, hee hee hee.
The camera
switches again to a back locker room where Flutie and Hank are standing by Mother
Love…
Mother Love-
Okay, well Hank, it’s good to see you, I guess. * As she tries to hold the mic
and nose away from him * What do you think about your competitor tonight?
Hank (Thick
southern drawl)- * While hitching up his britches * Welp, it’s like the saying
goes, don’t put your cart before the donkey, mmm-hmm.
ML- Umm okay,
so what does that mean?
Hank- Well ya
see thar, the donkey is behind the cart making it impossible for him to pull
it, ya see, much the same way for tonight.
ML- But your
not fighting a donkey.
Hank- No, now
that’s true, but that boy ain’t nothin’ but a jackass anyway * Spits chewing
tobacco into a spittoon nearby * Ya see, he is the Jackass, much like a donkey,
and I’m the cart, ya see.
ML- Eww,
that’s disgusting, please don’t spit again.
Umm I’m not following you, umm Flutie how do you see your cousins
chances tonight.
Flutie- What
the hell do you mean chances?!? My boy
Hank was trained by the best trainer money can buy! He will open a six pack of whoop ass on that Mystery Punk. And that’s because Flutie said so!
ML- Okay well
I see, thanks guys! Let’s head to Y2T
who is standing by with the MysteryMan!
The camera
switches again to reveal Y2T standing with MysteryMan…
Y2T (Looking
at the camera)- Hello once again my Tridaholics! And welcome to Death is * And the fans take over “Tridus!” *
Yes! Okay I am of course your hero, the
“Iootolah of Rock and Rolla”! Yep, it’s
another Death Match, and, my Tridaholics, things have certainly not been boring
since I took over. In fact I am being
joined now by a man that exhumes electricity, he is a Mystery and you all
better watch out, because BANG! It’s
excitement personified when this man, MysteryMan! Hits the ringola! (Turns to
MysteryMan) Now M and M, you have been trained by the (Looks at the camera)
Hero of the people now, (Then back to MysteryMan) How did you feel being
trained by this * Pointing to himself * one bad mahamba jahamba, if I do say so
myself?
MM- Well Y2T
I was thoroughly excited to be trained by the baddest mahamba jahamba, the
peoples hero if you will. It was a
great thing to meet the man that made the death matches what they are today,
and then to be trained by him. A true
honor, it’s true, it’s true. I heard
some kids last week were so upset that you were not going to fight, that they
couldn’t do their homework, it’s true, it’s true!
Y2T- Well I
say I couldn’t blame them, I mean, everyone needs that hero, everyone wants
their hero, can’t say I don’t blame them when I put the New Weird Disease out their in matches. I mean who really wants to see the
Pertplus_Man vs. Hickory Styx? I mean
there is no hero there. And the match,
Sweet Meat 00756309 vs. Flute was just horrendous! I can see why those kids couldn’t do their homework. * Looks down
sad and wipes his eye *
MM (Patting
Y2T on the back)- It’s okay Tridus, I will do something about it! I think the people are ready for another
hero, it’s true, it’s true. A hero that
can take your place.
Y2T (Looking
at MysteryMan and exaggerating)- But who is this brave man M and M?
MM (While
pointing at himself)- It’s me! * The fans cheer loudly at this as Y2T looks
around the room with his mouth open *
Y2T- That is
fabulous M and M, of course though, you know that I am the true hero to all the
little Tridaholics out there.
MM- Oh of
course Tridus, I can only try to live up to what you started, I could never
replace you. (Turns to the camera) And
with my Three E’s I will make the Death Matches better for all the children who
need that hero! A hero of Energy!
Excitement! And Enthusiasm! * And the fans cheer wildly at this new man,
this MysteryMan as the start to chant “M and M, M and M, M and M” *
Y2T salutes
MysteryMan and shakes his hand wishing him good luck in his match tonight when
Sidious interrupts him…
MS- Umm, Y2T?
Y2T- Uhh,
what, oh, yes Sidious, what can the “Iootolah” do for you?
MS- Just a
qu…(Turns to Big Sexy) No, I’m not asking him th…Oh good god Big Sexy, I’m not
going to find out if the “Tree Frogs” are here yet. (Tridus giggles to himself
hearing that) Umm, anyway have you found a new referee yet?
Y2T- Well,
that’s a good question Sidious. But I
think, yes, yes I do, I think we, to add more excitement to the Death Matches,
do not need a referee. Yes, no referee
means more excitement.
MM
(Interjects)- Yes, yes, it’s true, it’s true, it is one of my three E’s,
Excitement, that I have been talking about!
MS- But, uhh,
won’t the fighters cheat more?
Y2T- Ha, ha,
poor Sidious, they already cheat, so what’s to say that we need a ref to stop
that?
MS- But won’t
the nWd do more run-ins, and with no ref, no
one will stop them!
Y2T (Shaking
his head)- Tonight, M and M here will prove that the nWd
are nothing more than wanna-be heroes like me, Y2T!
MM- Yes, and
also that they lack the “Energy”, “Enthusiasm”, and of course Excitement!
MS- Well
okay, I guess. Well then thanks guys
for the input. We will be right back
fight fans with our first death match right after these important
announcements!
The cameras
then switch to find several people sitting around a campfire…
Camper
#1- Ahhh yes the great outdoors, how it is so refreshing.
Camper
#2- Oh yeah, and roasting hot dogs on the fire is awesome.
Camper
#3- Damn it, I’m missing Friday Night War Room Death Match! I brought my TV but where in the hell is the
plug in at?
Camper
#2- Damn it man, there is no electricity out here. And why would you even care about a show that is violent, vulgar,
demeans women, and is downright the means to bringing down society today? Man you are a waste, I don’t know why we
brought you with.
Camper
#1- Hey relax man, it’s just a TV show, and I hear it isn’t even real.
Camper
#2- It is, and this guy here is a product of it! Why’d you have to bring such a simpleton out here with us?
Camper
#3 (Upset)- Simpleton? I’ll show you a
simpleton! * As he reaches into his bag and pulls out a bag of Death Match
Power Chips. He rips open the bag annihilating the entire thing in seconds. *
Suddenly
in a blinding light, there standing before them is SM_007…
SM_007
(Looking around in disgust)- And finally the Great One has returned to Mother
Nature. (He looks down at the two
sitting their gawking at what was their former Camper buddy, to SM_007) 007
sees why you two Jabronies like to sit out here in the woods, holding hands and
singing your combyah’s! But the Great
One hates that monkey crap, so I’ll tell you what, we’ll take some of these
acorn’s here, gather up some of these branches and logs, take them and roll
them into a nice neat little ball….And stick em straight up your CANDY ASSes!
Camper
#2 (Looking at Camper #1 and motioning at SM_007)- See what I mean, Simpletons!
SM_007-
You dare interrupt the Great One while he speaks? What gives you the right to interrupt 007?
Camper
#2 (Upset)- Well I…
SM_007-
It doesn’t matter what rights you have Jabronie! What, is 007 supposed to impressed because you can build a little
fire by rubbing some sticks together?
Do you think it matters to 007 Jabronie that you can pitch a tent? 007 says he will layeth the Smacketh down on
your RO-OD-DY P-OO candy ass if you get out of line again! If ya smell-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…
Camper
#2 (Interrupting SM_007 again)- Now wait a minute! This is my trip, and if you don’t like it, take YOUR candy tail,
and make like a tree and leave!
SM_007
just looks at him, raises the eyebrow and proceeds to lay the smack down on
Camper #2’s candy ass, slamming him into several trees, then with a spit to his
hand he smacks Camper #2 into next week.
SM_007 comes over and grabs the bag of Death Match Power Chips…
SM_007-
When some Jabronie keeps interrupting you, grab a bag of Death Match Power
Chips, and crack off a piece of his candy ass!
If ya eat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta (Lifts his head up) what 007 (Pulls his
head down, pulls down the ray-bans, lifts the eyebrow) is eating!
Announcer
Dude- Death Match Power Chips, cause eating one is dangerous enough! Available in all participating stores.
The cameras switch back yet again to Master Sidious and a partitioned Big Sexy…
MS- Okay well
welcome back fight fans, this battle is about to get under way. Big Sexy what did you think about the
commentary from both fighters.
BSS (Bored,
from behind the partition)- That Hank is fat, and MysteryMan likes E’s or
something.
MS- You don’t
sound to Enthused for tonight’s match-up Big Sexy.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- How can I, I lose my girls to a bunch of well fruits,
and now have to have this partition here so they leave me alone. And besides, this fight is lame anyway.
MS- Come on
Big Sexy, where is your Energy!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Left me when I was nailing down that secret hatch, damn
that was hard work.
MS- Oh come
on BS, you gotta be Excited!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Umm, why are you doing that three E’s thing Sidious?
MS- I don’t
know, thought it was pretty cool and all, hey look! Here comes Big Tank Hank.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Yeah * Mocking voice * Hey, hey, hey, here comes Fat
Albert
Big Tank Hank
comes out to the music of the “Dueling Banjoes” song, he arrives at the ring
showing off his “Flutie is God” T-shirt to everyone as they boo him. Hank climbs into the ring and readies
himself for MysteryMan to make his arrival…
MS- Well Hank
is sure ready, man he doesn’t look scared at all.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Hey, look, I found an M and M!
MS (Looking
at the entranceway)- Yep, we certainly have Big Sexy cause here comes
MysteryMan now!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- No, I found an actual M and M, see!
And Big Sexy
sticks out from behind the partition the M and M with his hand showing it to
Sidious, who looks at Big Sexy confused and worried…
MS- Umm
that’s good BS, umm, that’s a right nice M and M you have there.
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Yep, melts in your mouth, but not in your hand! Hey! Kinda like me!
MysteryMan
makes his way out to the music of Foo Fighters “Learning to fly”. The fans erupt in M and M chants as he walks
down…
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Thank you, thank you everyone, I do love M and M’s. But this one is mine, get your own.
MS (Leaning
over to Big Sexy)- No they are chanting for MysteryMan.
BSS- Sure
Sidious, sure they are, I know they want my M and M, especially those Harvey
Wallbangers in the G-Spot sextion.
MS- Well okay
the fighters are in the ring now, and look there’s Announcer Dude getting in
their as well…
Announcer
Dude- Welcome Ladies and Gentleman to the lavish DebtAngel Arena! * The fans
give a mild response to that * The Death Match would like to remind you that
throwing trash in the ring is not tolerated, and you may be subjected to being
thrown out. * The fans boo loudly, and someone says “You suck dude!” * Fight
Fans this match is dedicated in honor to the Ref, Shockwave! * The fans give of
cheers of “Wave, Wave, Wave!”* This Death Match is brought to you by our new
sponsor, Coors Beer, when you need to head to the Rockies, grab a Coors * The
fans cheer wildly at this * Now Weird Ass Sports in co-operation with Tridus
Inc. would like to bring to you this undercard main event match! Now Fight Fans are you ready! * The fans
cheer mildly * I said FIGHT FANS Are You Rea-a-a-a-a-a-a-dy! * The fans give a resounding yes * Let’s Get
Ready To Rum-m-m-m-m-bl-l-l-l-l-le! * The fans go deafening at this and dude
has to wait a few moments to continue * In this corner we have the biggest
competitor of the death matches with coming in at over 500lbs, he is the Pig
Farmer from hell, he is BIG Tank Hank-k-k-k-k! * The fans give off loud boos as
Hank spits at them and shows them his “Flutie is God” T-shirt again * And his
competitor in the other corner is the man that always remains a Mystery to us
all, he is the man of the future, he is MysteryMan! * The fans give resounding
cheers of “M and M, M and M, M and M”!
Now Let’s Get It On!
And Announcer
Dude exits the ring quickly as the bell sounds…
MS- There’s
the bell! And this fight is on.
BSS (From
behind the partition, exaggerating)- Yippee!
Meanwhile in
the ring, MysteryMan is playing to the crowd while Big Tank Hank starts to walk
towards him…
MM (Turning
around quickly)- Hold it right there.
BTH (Stops
just 3 yards from him)- Boy, tonight I finish what I started a month ago, by
turnin’ you into a pile of pig shit!
MM (Looks
disgusted)- You, well, that is disgusting.
You are so unhealthy, I mean look at you. It’s true, you are fat, and unhealthy. Like so many Americans you eat and eat and eat some more. You should be more like MysteryMan and lose
some of that weight so you can be a hero too.
BTH- Hero,
bah, you’re a little man that abou’ to be squashed!
And Hank
reaches a big hand out at MysteryMan but grabs nothing but air as M and M runs
below his big hand-kicking Hank in the ass, and then turns around and plays to
the fans by raising his arms above his head.
The fans return laughs and taunts at Hank who only gets infuriated at
MysteryMan…
MS- Oh my,
MysteryMan is certainly confident tonight, look he isn’t even looking at
Hank! And here he comes charging like a
big old Rhino at him!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- * Yawn * It’s more like a fat old Elephant. Heh heh if Hannibal had him when he went
over the Himyllahyas, he would made it in like 3 days. Hey himyllahyas, I do that every night, you
know him a laying!
Meanwhile in
the ring, Big Tank Hank charges at MysteryMan, when he just about gets to him
though, MysteryMan ducks down as Hank hits his legs on M and M’s back tripping
him up and landing his chin fully on the corner turnbuckle…
MS- Ha,
ha. Man is MysteryMan toying with Hank
or what?
BSS (From
behind the partition)- I told you!
MS- (Putting
his finger to his ear)- What’s that?
(Turns to the cameras) Folks we have cameras in both the nWd’s and Y2T’s locker rooms, let’s get their thoughts
on the fight so far…
And the
cameras switch back to the nWd locker room
where Styx and SM_007 are sitting on the couch enjoying some refreshments,
while Peak_Man sits in the corner playing with a his Tele-Tubby. Flutie meanwhile is standing near where Styx
and SM_007 are sitting…
Styx (While
laughing and mocking at Flutie)- Hey good choice for putting him in the ring
their Flutie, he sure is nWd all the way. (Looks at the TV) Way to keep your feet
their fat ass!
Flutie (While
drinking a beer)- Now just hold on their son.
Hank may be a little slow, but he will get the better of that punk! (To
the TV) Come on you fat ass, bet up and open a can of whoop ass on that boy!
Styx (Still
laughing)- Well at least he opened a can on that turnbuckle, heh heh. Hey that turnbuckle has a family too!
Flutie just
turns and glares at Styx, as SM_007 just looks on in boredom…
The cameras
then switch to Y2T as he sits with a couple of female fans…
Y2T- See
ladies, you don’t have to have great competitors to excite the fans. Y2T knows excitement, and how to get
excitement even in boring match-ups.
See, look at how the fans are eating up M and M’s antics, that right
there shows that I belong here, and that Sid6.9 knows not of the way of the
“Tridaholics”.
The girls
giggle as they continue to watch. The
cameras switch back to the action…
Hank tries to
regain his feet, and turns around to only be meet with a smack in the face from
MysteryMan. Hank angered by this swings
a mighty right at M and M but hits nothing but air as M and M ducks, spins and
extends a foot out that smacks Hank in the gut doubling him over. M and M then grabs Hanks head and with a
swift, but violent move lifts him up off the ground and comes down sitting with
Hank’s head in between his legs. Hanks
face gets driven and bounces off the mat as he flips over landing face up…
MS- Oh man,
Oh wow, what a move! What the hell
would you call that! I’ve never seen a
move like that before!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- What? What? What did I miss? Damn it, did I miss
something?
MS- Only one
of the most inventive moves I’ve ever seen!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Damn it, damn this partition, and damn those fag boys
for making me put this up. Let’s see,
ahh I’ll stand on my chair. (And Big Sexy’s head peers over the top of the
partition) Hey all I see is M and M dancing around, man those are some good
moves too. (Looks at Sidious) What move
w…woo, woo, woo…
MS (Reaching
out)- Careful Big Sexy you are…
Big Sexy’s
head suddenly disappears from view when…* Crash *
MS (Looking
at the floor)- Big Sexy! Are you all
right?
BSS-…
MS-
What? I couldn’t hear that.
BSS-…
MS- Umm,
uh-oh, uh it seems that with Big Sexy’s fall he has lost transmission through
his headset. * Gets on the radio * Get
a technician out here now to get Big Sexy back on the air, over and out, roger
dodger!
Meanwhile
back in the ring…
Hank gets
back up a little dazed from his one on one encounter with the mat. He stands but wobbles a little bit looking
around, when suddenly M and M jumps off the second turnbuckle behind Hank,
grabbing his head as he passes and drives him down headfirst into the mat
again. MysteryMan once again gets up
after that move and begins to celebrate his move…
MS- Oh man,
what a move, a second rope “Bulldog of Devastation!” MysteryMan is really on his…Huh, what Big Sexy?
BSS-…
MS- No, no,
I’m sure the gay people did not mess with your chair.
BSS-…
MS- I know
your sexy, now let me call the match. * Puts his hand to his ear * Oh okay, we
are going back to the locker rooms to get more commentary from the nWd and Y2T!
The cameras
switch back into Tridus’s locker room…
Y2T- Yep, in
any time now ladies, you, M and M there, and me the “Iootolah of Rock and
Rolla” will go out for our victory party, heh, heh.
The girls
squeal in delight…
The cameras
switch again to the nWd locker room to find
Styx rolling around on the ground laughing, Peak_Man still oblivious to what’s
going on. SM_007 staring at Styx with a smile on his face, and Flutie stomping
around pissed off.
Styx (Rolling
around laughing)- Oh my god! That Hank
can sure take an ass whooping! Ha,
ha! Hey Flutie!
Flutie
(Pissed)- What?!?
Styx (Looks
at him serious for a second)- You sure you didn’t give him that can of Getting
Ass Whipped instead of Whoop Ass! Ha, ha, ha…
SM_007
actually lets out a laugh at that as Flutie has had enough…
Flutie
(Walking out of camera range to the back of the locker room)- Want something
done, you just gotta do it yourself.
SM_007
(Watching where Flutie goes)- Hey Jabronie, where in the hell are you
going? Hey! Where in the hell you get that!
Flutie (Just
off camera range)- It don’t matter where I got this……Jabronie!
SM_007 cocks
his eyebrow at Flutie as we hear the door open then slam…
The cameras
switch back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy’s partition…
MS- Oh my, looks
like business may be picking up folks!
What Big Sexy?
BSS-…
MS- No, I’m
not going to sa…
BSS-…
MS- Oh okay
damn it, Big Sexy wants all the ladies to know that he is still sexy despite
not being on the air! (Looks over at Big Sexy) There you happy?
BSS-…
MS- Good
cause it looks like M and M is motioning for something!
BSS-…
MS- I don’t
know if it’s sexy. How would I know that?
Meanwhile in
the ring, Hank actually gets back up and lands up against the ropes as he puts
a hand to his bloody head. M and M
stands in the middle of the ring with his arms held above his head in a circle
motioning at the fans, who go absolutely insane. Hank stammers out of the corner and towards MysteryMan, he tries
to punch him but misses wildly again and starts to fall towards MysteryMan who
catches him on his shoulder and stands up with him.
MS- Oh my
god, MysteryMan has Hank on his shoulders!
What strength from him!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- H..am….on…ow?
MS- Almost
BS, almost, oh what the hell, here comes Flutie! And what, oh my, he’s got it!
I thought it was destroyed? What
is he doing with that? * As he points at Flutie *
BSS (From
behind the partition)-..amn…it….can’t see anything with this partition in the
way! Stupid partition, you go smash now!
In the ring,
MysteryMan struggles to get upright with Hank and sways a bit back and forth
when Flutie enters the ring and walks up behind MysteryMan. * As he fans boo
and try to warn M and M that Flutie is right behind him *
MS- Oh my god
no! No don’t do it! Ahh damn you Flutie, damn you!
BSS (From
behind the partition)- Damn it, I’m missing the action!
And with a
great effort Big Sexy rips away the partition to only see a man staring and
smiling at him…
Dude with a
headset on- Hello Big Sexy!
BSS
(Screams)- Ahh, fag! You go die now!
And Big Sexy
whacks the man over the head with the partition sending him some 20 feet to the
concrete…
BSS
(Proudly)- There, that showed that fruit!
MS (Looks
over the edge)- That was the technician Big Sexy, he wasn’t going to hurt you,
or have sex with you.
BSS- Oh, uhh,
umm, (Looks over the edge) Umm sorry dude, I thought you were a butthumper or
something.
MS- Oh man,
Flutie no!
Back in the
ring M and M finally gets straightened up with Hank on his shoulders when
Flutie walks on front of him with something in his hands…
Flutie- Time
to die punk!
And Flutie
takes the object whacking M and M over the head with it. MysteryMan falls back
as Hank drops off his shoulders. Flutie
follows as M and M holds his head, Flutie whacks M and M again in the back
opening up a 6-inch gash. MysteryMan
whelps in pain from it. Flutie just
grins and whacks MysteryMan in the head again as blood shots out. The fans meanwhile are going absolutely ape
shit with the boos, and pleading sounds for Y2T to come out…
MS- Oh damn
it, I knew it, they always have to interfere!
Come on Y2T, get out there and save your friend!
BSS- I just
can’t believe I’m actually seeing the stick!
Suddenly
though an explosion occurs and out comes Y2T on a dead sprint to the ring as
the roof gets blown off the joint…
MS- Y2T! Y2T!
My god it’s Y2T!
BSS- Heh,
heh, the ladies say the same thing every night except it’s Big Sexy, Big Sexy,
oh my god it’s big! Sexy!
Tridus hits
the ring just as Flutie knocks MysteryMan to the ground. Flutie reaches up high with the object in
his hands when suddenly it is snatched from him…
Flutie
(Turning around)- What the? (Seeing
Y2T) Oh heh, heh, hey son, now I was only fooling, you don’t need to do
anything.
Y2T doesn’t
look at Flutie, he just looks at the object in his hands…
Flutie- Heh,
heh, umm, see I found that yesterday see, and I was going to give it to
MysteryMan here, but I had to show him how it works first see…
Y2T just
looks up at Flutie and with a flick of his wrist spins the object in his hand
at blinding speed at Flutie who ducks and tries to grab on to Y2T’s neck. But Y2T spins away smacking Flutie in the
head and over the ropes to the floor.
Flutie gets up and staggers to the back as the fans go insane with the
Y2T chants, when suddenly…
MM- Behind
you Tridus!
And Y2T spins
around with the object fully distended catching one of Big Tank Hank’s arms as
he holds the ring steps over his head.
As the object strikes his elbow the ring steps fall down on Hank’s
head. Hank grabs it and bends over as
MysteryMan gets under him again. Lifts
him off the ground and with a swift move grabs Hank’s head and pushes him up
and off his shoulders and straight down into the mat with his shoulders and
head hitting snapping Hank’s neck.
MS- Oh wow,
oh yeah baby, what a move from Y2T saving his friend!
BSS- Yeah,
and what a move from MysteryMan! That
had to be his finisher in “Mystery Meat”!
That has to be it!
MS- Yeah but
I can’t believe what Y2T just got back.
BSS- I know,
I thought it was destroyed.
And as they continue to talk Y2T and M and M walk up the ramp talking. And as Y2T nears the top he spies a camera and holds up the stick for the world to see…
MS- Wow, what
a start to tonight’s festivities hey Big Sexy?
BSS- I’ll
say, boy Sidious, you know, even though that match kinda sucked, it was a great
way to end it.
MS- You can
say that again.
BSS- I’ll
say, boy Sidious, you know…
MS (Stopping
Big Sexy)- Figure of speech BS, figure of speech.
BSS- Oh
right, sorry Sidious. Hey, I think we
have a second match for tonight don’t we Sidious?
MS- Yep, we
sure do Big Sexy, let’s get to that shall we?
Tell the fans a little about the fighters.
BSS- Okay
well, the first guy is known to be the one that knows who is cool and who is
uncool. He is the Devils concubine, and
is always ready for a fight. He is of
course the man known as HELLTROOPER V2.0!
And I can tell you Sidious, this fighter is ready to make a killing here
for us in the death match. This man
might be a little slower that others, but he can sure dish out some serious
damage with his moves, especially the “Uncool Chokeslam” which is certainly his
set-up to his finisher in the “Devil’s Advocate”!
MS- Yep, he
is one big mean competitor, but his foe for tonight is no slouch either. This man hails from some unknown area. He is the bringing of soul and happiness. Some say that this man’s mission in life is
rooting out all the evil in the world.
Well Xel~Naga, you can certainly start tonight with your competitor
HELLTROOPER V2.0! And with moves like
the “Downward Fall” will help that cause.
But the ultimate weapon in his arsenal has got to be his finisher in
“Launching Misfortune” that will finish off his foes!
BSS- I agree
Sidious, he does sound like he has a good chance at winning. Man this is definitely what I’ve been
waiting for!
MS- Agreed
Big Sexy, hey, I hear Mother Love is with Xel~Naga now! Let’s get back there for some commentary
from him!
The cameras
switch to the back and find Mother Love talking with a man in a robe, with his
face hidden from view…
Mother Love-
So, Xel~Naga, are you ready to do battle tonight?
Xel~Naga- I
am always prepared to face the forces of darkness. HELLTROOPER will only be another victim of the war that is good
vs. evil.
ML- Well
okay, but you have a tough task ahead of you, he is a big guy.
Xel~Naga- Big
is not the way of thinking. Big is only
one advantage of the many advantages I have over him. I am confident that tonight I shall whipe this plague from our
midst’s. So sayeth the Xel~Nagaian, and
so it shall be.
ML- Umm okay,
thanks Xel~Naga, well back to you guys.
The cameras
switch back to Sidious and Big Sexy…
MS- Wow, I
guess having confidence would be an understatement for Xel~Naga there. He certainly seems sure of himself tonight,
doesn’t he Big Sexy?
BSS- Oh yeah,
but he better not be too over-confident or HELLTROOPER will run right over
him. You know, I think that
HELLTROOPER…
MS * With his
hand by his ear *- Hold on Big Sexy, I’m getting word that there is something
going on in the back! Let’s get there
now!
And the
cameras switch to the back to find Lord DebtAngel talking with Flutie, who is
holding his head…
Flutie- Hey,
debt man!
DebtAngel- I
am DebtAngel, Lord of Debtness, and keeper of souls, grrrrrr. (As his eyes roll
into his head)
Flutie- Yeah
okay whatever, hey! How much would it take for you to go kill Y2T for me?
DebtAngel- It
would cost you your soul.
Flutie- Yeah
right, listen up numbnuts, I have plenty of money see! * As he waves several
hundred dollar bills in front of his face * I can pay you well if you ditch
that dirt bag, then me and you can take over this show. How about it Debt Man?
DebtAngel
(Snatching the money)- I shall take this as a fee for me thinking about it.
And DebtAngel
walks away as Flutie smiles to himself as 3 men dressed in all black approach
for behind him…
rRaminrodt- Mr. Tie I presume!
Flutie
(Startled)- What the fuck! (As he turns around) All right who the hell are you guys?
rRaminrodt- I
am Mr. Rodt, and these are my associates. * Motioning to his two partners
dressed in the same gear * It seems Mr. Tie…
Flutie- It’s
Flutie son, get used to it, and don’t force me to stun your sad silly sorry
asses!
rRaminrodt-
Really Mr. Tie, that would be unfortunate for you if you tried that. Now, Mr. Tie, it seems that you are dealing
in…trouble…, Mr. Tie. I feel you should
follow the leadership…that…has been guiding you so far, Mr. Tie. I think…, that Mr. 007 is in charge now, so
why were you talking with Mr. Angel?
Flutie- I
don’t have to explain myself to you bastards, out of my damn way, I got beer to
drink.
And Flutie
brushes by him, but rRaminrodt motions to the other two who grab Flutie and
slam him up against the wall.
rRaminrodt grabs him by the chin and gets with in inches of his face…
rRaminrodt- I
suggest…Mr. Tie…that you follow your leader, in Mr. 007. Cause it would be…say…unfortunate if
something…unexpected…would happen to you Mr. Tie.
Flutie just
stares at rRaminrodt for a second then spits in his face…
Flutie- Fuck
you son, I do my own thing, and if you don’t let go of me, the nWd will kick the shit out of all of you!
rRaminrodt
whipes his face, then looks at one of the agents with him.
rRaminrodt-
Agent Chang, make Mr. Tie here understand our position. (Looks back at Flutie) Good day…Mr. Tie.
And
rRaminrodt walks away as his Agent Chang punches Flutie in the gut several
times while the other continues to hold him.
rRaminrodt walks by a corner, puts back on his glasses and nods at
someone in a entryway. He continues to
walk as the door opens and closes…
And the
cameras switch back to Sidious and Big Sexy…
MS- Oh my,
what the hell was that all about Big Sexy?
BSS- I don’t
know Sidious, but maybe we should be paying for some protection. Paying DebtAngel isn’t a bad idea. And them Agent fellas give me the heebee
geebees!
MS- I agree
Big Sexy, but hey, the show must go on, and I hear the Mother Love is with
HELLTROOPER V2.0 now! Let’s get back to
her.
And the
cameras switch back to find Mother Love looking up at HELLTROOPER V2.0 as he is
dressed in red and black garb…
ML- So
HELLTROOPER, how do you see this fight going down?
HT-…(Doesn’t
say anything just puts a thumbs down)
ML- Umm does
that mean you will win?
HELLTROOPER
just shakes his head yes. And glares at
the camera man.
ML- Umm, do
you say anything, anything at all?
HT-
Grrrrrr…
ML- Ehh,
okay, I guess, well back to you guys.
The camera
switches back to Master Sidious and Big Sexy…
MS- Well that
certainly was a, well, bad interview, wouldn’t you say Big Sexy.
BSS (Looking
out in the audience)- Look at them Sidious, staring at me like I’m some type of
piece of meat or something.
MS- What are
you talking about BS?
BSS
(Motioning at the fans in section G)- Them, there looking at me.
MS (Looks out
at the gay guys in section G)- Their not looking at you now Big Sexy, I think
they got the idea that you aren’t, well, that way.
BSS- Oh don’t
believe that Sidious, gay people got peepers, peepers to watch you with (As he
looks from side to side)
MS- * Sigh *
Whatever BS, hey here comes out first participant Xel~Naga!
Xel~Naga
makes his way out to some chanting type music…
MS- Well
that’s certainly some different music, isn’t it Big Sexy?
BSS (Paranoid
sounding)- Ya see the peepers, they peep and peep until they peeped you
out! Look at them with their peepers peeping
at me.
MS- Good
grief Big Sexy, they aren’t into you anymore!
BSS- They’re
not?
MS- No, look,
they aren’t even looking at you. They
don’t want you anymore.
BSS (Looking
depressed)- But, but, but, I’m sexy?
Why wouldn’t they want me anymore?
MS- Because
they know now that you aren’t gay, you moron!
BSS- Umm,
okay, but I’m still sexy right?
MS Oh good
grief yes, yes you are!
BSS- Then why
don’t they want me anymore?
MS (Throwing
his arms and pencil into the air)- I give up.
There is just no pleasing you is there Big Sexy? I mean first you don’t want them to like
you, and now you’re upset that they don’t!
Jeez get over it would you.
BSS- Okay, I
guess you’re right Sidious, but, umm, and I still sexy?
MS (Ignoring
Big Sexy)- Okay well fight fans, it looks like HELLTROOPER V2.0 is on the way
out now!
BSS- Sexy
Sidious, am I sexy?
MS (Still
ignoring him)- Oh hey look at that, a quarter, a quarter on the ground.
Meanwhile
HELLTROOPER makes his way out to the music of Rob Zombies “SuperBeast”!
MS- Okay
well, it appears that Announcer Dude is ready for tonight’s main event
announcements, let’s go to him now!
BSS- No, I
want to know if I’m sexy still Sidious, tell me, for the love of god tell me
I’m still wanted, tell me I’m sexy! Oh
why won’t you tell me that I’m sexy!
MS- Damn it
BS! You are sexy all right! Now stop it, we have a fight to do!
BSS- Oh okay,
cool, but why don’t they * pointing to the gay guys * think I’m sexy anymore?
MS (Holding
his head in his hands)- Oh I don’t know why I do this anymore…
BSS (Looking
at Sidious)- What’s wrong ole buddy, have a headache?
MS (Looking
up and then at him)- Yes, yes I have a damn Big Sexy headache.
BSS- Oh! Well
that’s sexy then!
MS (Shaking
his head again)- Fans let’s get to the announcements before we have a death
match up here.
Announcer
Dude- Ladies and Gentleman, welcome once again, it is time! * The fans scream * What Time is it? * It is
time for death match Main Event! * The
fans go absolutely bonkers at that * In this corner we have the man that is
cool under pressure and hot on the attack, he is the man from down way under,
he is of course HELLTROOPER V2.0! * The fans give mild cheers for him * And his
opponent is one that carries virtue in one hand, and death in the other, he is
of course the evil hunter, he is Xel~Naga! * The fans cheer wildly at him * Now
fight fans, let’s get it on!
And with that
the bell sounds and Announcer Dude quickly departs the ring…
MS- Oh boy,
and this match is underway!
BSS- Cool,
this will be a good one!
Meanwhile in
the ring Xel~Naga stands their staring at HELLTROOPER…
Xel~Naga- I
don’t know where you came from demon, but I’m sending your evil ass back there!
HELLTROOPER
just cocks his head to the side and starts to walk towards Xel~Naga. When he is within 5 feet HELLTROOPER jumps
towards Xel~Naga sweeping an arm at him.
Xel~Naga dodges to the right and sweeps a foot that connects with
TROOPERS knee, forcing the big man to the mat briefly. Xel~Naga swings in back
of TROOPER as he is on the ground and wraps an arm under his chin and starts to
choke him, TROOPER though just stands up with Xel~Naga on his back…
MS- Oh man,
Xel~Naga is trying to end this fight early with a chokehold, but it seems to
have no effect at all on TROOPER!
BSS- Nope, I
knew that it wouldn’t, you have to punish the big man more that that before he
will stay down.
In the ring,
TROOPER walks around trying to grab at Xel~Naga as he cinches on the hold even
tighter and dodges TROOPERS hands as the come back for him. TROOPER feeling back at Xel~Naga tries to
grab at him again but misses, Xel~Naga continues to hold the choke, but
suddenly TROOPER moves back towards the furthest turnbuckle at an alarming
rate. Just at the last second Xel~Naga
leaps off his back and onto the top turnbuckle. TROOPER turns around just as Xel~Naga cracks him on the head with
an open palm. Unfazed TROOPER grabs
Xel~Naga under the crotch and by his neck and launches him half-way across the
ring as Xel~Naga lands on his back in the center of the ring…
MS- Oh man,
that was sure a flight for Xel~Naga, man that had to hurt him!
BSS- Wow I’ll
say he should get airline miles from TROOPER air for that flight!
Meanwhile
back in the ring TROOPER methodically moves towards Xel~Naga, but with the slow
walk, Xel~Naga is able to get to his feet just as TROOPER is to him. TROOPER grabs hold of Xel~Naga by the back
but is met with an elbow to TROOPER’S eye.
TROOPER release Xel~Naga for a second then begins to stalk him once
again. Xel~Naga comes in occasionally
striking TROOPER with kicks and punches, then gets back out before TROOPER can
grab him…
BSS- Hey,
nice strategy from Xel~Naga, he is doing the in and out technique. You know Sidious, I’m highly skilled in the
in and out technique!
MS- Yes, Big
Sexy, I know, but just like you, it is having no effect on the other
participant.
BSS-
Hey! All the ladies love my technique!
MS- Heh, heh,
heh, heh, I’m sure they are Big Sexy, I’m sure they are, heh, heh.
Meanwhile
back in the ring, TROOPER gets Xel~Naga trapped in a corner and moves in on
him. Xel~Naga tries a kick to TROOPERS
gut but has little effect as TROOPER connects with a punch to Xel~Naga’s
chest. Xel~Naga slumps to the mat as
TROOPER using one of his feet to Xel~Naga’s throat and begins to stretch him as
Xel~Naga tries to block the move.
MS- Oh man,
if Xel~Naga doesn’t get out of that move fast, he is going to be just as tall
as TROOPER!
BSS- Yeah,
TROOPER sure has him in a compromising situation, doesn’t he?
Meanwhile in
the ring, Xel~Naga tries to kick at TROOPER’S jimmy but cannot connect. Xel~Naga then slips his back against the
corner turnbuckle as his neck goes backwards even worse…
MS- What’s he
doing? TROOPER is going to break his
neck!
BSS- No
Sidious, look, it’s a good move but risqué!
Xel~Naga
slides just enough that with both feet at once he connects on TROOPER’S free
leg forcing him backward and down to the mat.
TROOPER tries to stand but falls back to the mat holding his leg. Xel~Naga meanwhile checks his throat and coughs
a few times…
MS- You were
right BS, that move got him out of it, but at what cost? It looks like Xel~Naga can’t follow up on
it!
BSS- Yeah but
neither can TROOPER, look his leg is hurt, I don’t think it’s broke but he
doesn’t look to comfortable down there holding it.
Back in the
ring, Xel~Naga finally gets over his coughing fit just as TROOPER finally
starts to get back up, Xel~Naga kicks at his hurt leg forcing TROOPER back to
the mat. TROOPER tries to swing at
Xel~Naga but misses as Xel~Naga runs to the closest ring ropes and launches
himself off them and in a summersault lands on TROOPERS face…
MS- Oh man,
that move was one that had to hurt the machine known as TROOPER!
BSS- Yep,
that move sure gave Xel~Naga the advantage. Oh, oh look! Xel~Naga is signaling for his finisher!
And Xel~Naga
climbs to the outside and mounts the top of the turnbuckle. Looks at TROOPER and gives the sign of the
cross, then launches himself off the turnbuckle twisting in the air landing
both feet across TROOPERS chest, TROOPER lets out a rush of air then falls limp
on the mat…
MS- Oh man
that’s it, “Misfortunes Landing”, “Misfortunes Landing” has sealed the deal for
Xel~Naga, no one…uhh, well almost no one gets up from that.
And in the
ring while Xel~Naga plays to the fans, TROOPER sits up…
MS- My god he
just sat up! That man is not human, he
shouldn’t be getting up!
BSS- Heh,
heh, he’s more like my Love Machine, he keeps getting up all the time too!
And Xel~Naga
doesn’t see TROOPER stand and limp his way towards Xel~Naga despite the fans
reaction to him approaching and trying to warn Xel~Naga. TROOPER gets right up behind Xel~Naga as
Xel~Naga realizes there is someone behind him.
He reaches a hand back touching TROOPERS thigh and moves up finally to
his head, Xel~Naga can be seen giving a big gulp as TROOPER breathes heavily
behind him. Xel~Naga turns around as
TROOPER cocks his head to the side and stares at him…
MS- Oh my, oh
my god, Xel~Naga better do something and something quick!
But Xel~Naga
doesn’t do anything at first as TROOPER grabs him under the arm and picks him
up slamming him to the mat. TROOPER
grabs up Xel~Naga again and launches him towards on set of ring ropes, sling
shooting himself off them. TROOPER
himself goes to the opposite set of ropes and does the same, then jumps towards
where Xel~Naga is landing an elbow to Xel~Naga’s head sending him scattering
out of the ring and into the steel barrier on the outside…
MS- Man, what
a move, Xel~Naga is now the one hurting!
What a back and forth match hey Big Sexy?
BSS
(Smiling)- Heh, heh, back and forth, just the thing I like.
TROOPER gets
out of the ring and makes his way over to Xel~Naga who is partially under the
ring. TROOPER grabs his foot and pulls
him out from under the ring, and gets sprayed in the face by a fire
extinguisher that he found there…
Xel~Naga-
Time to put out your fire once and for all, evil demon!
TROOPER-
Grrrrr….
And Xel~Naga
using the fire extinguisher smacks TROOPER repeatedly over the head with
it. TROOPER wavers from side to side
with each whack but refuses to go down.
Xel~Naga sensing he only has one chance, jumps on the ring apron and
with speed and agility flips over grabbing onto TROOPERS neck as he passes,
they both go down to the concrete with both hitting hard, but TROOPER taking
most of the fall…
MS- “Downward
Fall”, “Downward Fall”, My god he hit it, he hit it!
BSS- Yep, and
it looks like he is mounting the ring turnbuckle again!
MS- Oh man,
if he hits it again the fight will definently be over, he better hurry though
cause TROOPER is moving his arms!
Xel~Naga
woozy from the fall tries to climb the turnbuckle as fast as he can, but when
he gets there, TROOPER is sitting up pulling his glove on. Xel~Naga though spins off the top rope like
before trying to land on TROOPERS head, but with a graceful and quick movement,
TROOPER stands and grabs Xel~Naga by the throat. As Xel~Naga hits the concrete with his feet, he is suddenly
picked back up high into the air, and with a fast movement brought down on the
concrete…
MS- Oh wow,
man he hit the “Uncool Chokeslam” I can’t believe he hit that move, man he
moved fast there Big Sexy, he can move when he wants too.
BSS- I think
it was a ruse Sidious.
Outside the
ring, TROOPER motions to the fans by drawing his finger across his throat. TROOPER picks up the unconscious Xel~Naga
and walks up the ring steps and to the corner turnbuckle where he lays Xel~Naga
across them. He climbs to the second
turnbuckle and drapes Xel~Naga over his shoulder, then steps to the top rope
and places Xel~Naga between his legs…
MS- Oh my
god, Oh my god no! Don’t do it, don’t
do it!
BSS- Yes, do
it, I want to see this!
And TROOPER
Launches off the turnbuckle and down into the ring mat as Xel~Naga’s head
splinters into three parts. TROOPER
stands and cocks his head looking at Xel~Naga lying there in the ring as the
fans go nuts with that finishing move.
MS- “Devil’s
Advocate”, “Devil’s Advocate”, “Devil’s Advocate” and that’s it! Xel~Naga is no more, and so went his
crusade!
BSS (Munching
on some popcorn)- Oh man, that was sweet, (Shouts at the top of his lungs) Do
it again, do it again!
MS- Oh man,
what a fight, well I guess I have to give it up to TROOPER he certainly pulled
it off, I can’t believe it though, that fight was so close.
BSS- Yep it
was Sidious, I couldn’t tell who was going to win.
MS- Well
that’s all for this week fight fans, hope you enjoyed the bouts, and I am
Master Sidious…
BSS- And I am
Big Sexy Stefan, come next week ladies, please come next week, saying…
Both
Together- Good Fight, Good Night!
And as the
credits roll…
Announcer
Dude- FNWRDM is brought to you in part by Weird Ass Sports, a subsidiary to
Tridus Inc. The Inc. that says, “We
maim to please!”
©FNWRDM™
Friday Night War Room Death Match™ is the sole property of Sid6.9 Enterprises.
Any and all rebroadcasts are strictly prohibited without prior written consent
from Sid6.9 Enterprises